Stranger conspiracy

Ay, Caramba! You’re out there, NBC blogger, in the wild of day trying to link the popular children’s program “Stranger Things” to being pro-colonialism because it features space invaders as a trope? Yo, that’s what you’re out here doing, in 2017, with everything awful that’s going on you’ve decided to throw rocks at the throne of Millie Bobby Brown? What in all the double-fucked universe is wrong with you, son? That weed has got you seeing shit where there ain’t no shit. It’s got you sounding troubled, like you’re about a month away from blaming the sinking of the Titanic on Bigfoot while simultaneously claiming we Catholics are out in the cut for world domination, just spreading our gospel and raking in the fat stacks! You’re eating delusions for breakfast and having two helpings of paranoia at lunch! I have heard a lot of stupid bullshit drip from the jowls of man, but trying to smear “Stranger Things” by promoting the idea that it’s nothing more than a bright, blinking beacon calling all nerds to rise for the cause of colonialism in a public and sharable manner is some otherworldly goofiness.

It reminds me of when I was a kid, and I would hear perfectly sober adults voice concern over the satanic proclamations of all out hedonism being promoted by the Hanna-Barbera cartoon “The Smurfs,” as if there was something way more sinister going down in Smurf-town than Gargamel and his cat Azael. You’re reaching like Larry Bird but, unlike Larry Legend, you ain’t raining threes. You tripped half way down the court and ate floor, and now Magic Johnson is laughing at you! Ya done goofed because “Stranger Things” isn’t even smart enough to hide some nefarious political subliminal message and that’s no diss to the brothers Duffer, but their show’s chief interest is exploring the nature of friendship, in all of its ups and downs, within a syrupy universe so sweet with ‘80s-era nostalgia you run the risk of rotting your teeth out quicker than living on an all Tahitian Treat diet. It’s a children’s program full of slime, hokey experiments and what happens when your squad gets tested, an alternative title for the show could actually be “Squader Things” with the tag line “How To Build a Crew,” and no one would blink an eye, for Christ’s sakes!

“Deep thoughts on society or political subtext” is not how I would frame up a streaming serial geared toward children and their nerd parents who have been dragging “Star Wars” memorabilia into the house since before the kid’s fuckin conception. Like, I know a mom who has “Nemesis Enforcer” tattooed on her calf, and a dad who owns multiple T-shirts depicting the glaive from “Krull”… fuckin “Krull”! That’s dork on a whole other level, and they’re not tuning in to “Stranger Things” because it’s the fire-brand science fiction flagship of colonialism they’ve been waiting for, you dipshit! They’re tuning in to watch Eleven go Carrie White on all those who have wronged her!

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And I’ll tell ya, watching El on the come up is cathartic as hell! Check it — “Stranger Things” is so playfully innocent and wildly popular that I bet you $50 Weird Al Yankovic is sitting on a stool somewhere with an accordion trying to find words that rhyme with “Demogorgon” (two seconds before I filed this column I Googled Weird Al just to make sure I spelled Yankovic correctly and saw that Al and “Stranger Things” cast member Finn Wolfhard had just performed together, live on stage, for some Willy Wonka tribute show! Blam!)

Look, I get it: You want everyone to know that you’re manning the wheel of the woke-boat all the way to the future and, if we unfortunate maggots are lucky, you’ll tow us along for the ride, saving us from ourselves and our poor decision making when it comes to consuming frothy yet empirically evil pop-culture. Yes, yes, yes, you have found a way to jack your brainwaves into the super stream of information, and you’ve got it all figured out. You’re off the meat hook and running while the rest of us are still swinging over the blood bucket waiting for the clever, well bully for you! Now, if you would excuse me, I’m about to go rewatch Eleven wreck shit with her mind powers as she and her crew of “losers” get satisfaction across multiple dimensions, leaving you to shit on things that are popular, like how dirt-rebel-rocker of you. Thanks for being the reason we can’t have nice things.

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