The kids are right

“My life is dope and I don’t feel any need to share it with a bunch of thirsty, passive aggressive losers,” said a young gent I know when I asked him about having completely abandoned all forms of social media. He concluded: “It’s rubbish!”

Over the last year, I’ve noticed that a great deal of the young people in my life have also ditched these negative-space platforms, especially now that Spotify and Messenger are their own separate apps, freeing these kids from being subjected to high-horse dummies, pictures of sloppy joe sandwiches, never-ending, third-party drama, shit-posting and poorly executed political ramblings. As another kid stated: “Memes ain’t funny to me no more.” Yo, if you lose the youth, you lose the future, and it’s looking to me like every day, more and more kids ain’t about whatever bullshit you’re selling online. They’re done with it, unplugging and hitting the streets to actually live. “I think it’s a means to no end,” said a young woman attending university. “It’s all discomforting and unsettling, I’d rather somebody ask about my interest, and learn about theirs rather than put it all online and hope somebody bites. I feel very weary of it for real.”

Others pointed out that they felt “creeped out” by the evasive way that Facebook tracked their movements, or how Twitter is nothing more than a great way of helping you prove to the world you’re even dumber than we already suspected and at just a 140 characters at that! “Twitter, is fuckin’ worthless, a web of jerks and liars. I mean, look no further than it’s most famous user, Donny Doritos. Like, get the fuck outta’ here with that bullshit!” The most vocal and, in my opinion, hilarious opponent to social media made his gripes perfectly clear one crisp evening as I hosted a meeting of the minds under the weeping willow in my back yard. “You hear these old people complaining about us having our faces glued to a screen. What utter fuckin’ nonsense! Go, go open up Facebook right now, and see: It’s a nursing home of horrors, a bunch of hypocritical geezers, doing fuck all but waste their lives away leering, peering and chastising. Like, look here — you ain’t the pope, you ain’t the police, you have no power over me and you can’t whoop me, so who gives a single fuck what you do and don’t like. I’m unstoppable!” And, I’d like to point out that these kids aren’t just taking an angry Bobby Knight timeout from clicking likes and dropping emojis. They’ve moved beyond the “throw back Thursday” game some time ago, and I see no indication of their return, and who can blame em?

A few clicks back, this muggy fuckin’ city was smooched right on the neck with a teaser trailer of sweet autumn weather, and Shelby and I decided to take full advantage of this most needed cool-down by taking an afternoon drive around town — some real Toad and Debbie from “American Graffiti” shit. We had spent the night before listening to the new album by Tyler The Creator, who weaves images of cars and cruising throughout and to great effect, and we became inspired, so we climbed into the dump truck and peeled out. It was, outside of one garish mistake on my part, a perfect afternoon that fell into an amazing evening. My mistake was opening my device to see what was happening online while we stopped for coffee and a smoothie. Yowza! What a shit-show! I would have been better off plunging my face completely into a toilet bowl at a Taco Bell enthusiast convention! How anyone can be filled with so much spite they waste a perfectly lovely day belly aching and vomiting online is beyond me. I mean once you see two idiots battling over opposing ideologies in the comments section of a Weird Al Yankovic video, it may be time to pull the plug before you too, devolve into a level of pointless insanity. The kids are right. Now, if only I can find a way to keep up with the great Chuck Tingle that doesn’t involve Facebook. Wonder if he’d be interested in having a pen pal from outside the void?