Q: Im a female masochist and super subby I see nothing wrong with that. For the last couple of months, Ive been pursuing death wish fantasies. When I start feeling low, I seek out guys on hookup sites who are sadistic enough that they might potentially help me carry it out. Ive even gone so far as to put together a blackmail package for them, in case they start feeling like I might tell on them. I honestly wouldnt want anyone to get in trouble just because Im not thinking right. My therapist knows about the masochist end of things, but Im afraid to tell her this other part because I dont want to be put on any crazy pills. Is there a way for me to switch my brain from thinking about this and somehow find my way back to normal BDSM or something else entirely without turning off my sexuality completely?
Rather Not Say My Name
A: There are fantasies that are simply too dangerous to realize, RNSMN, even with a willing victim/sub and a reckless perp/Dom. And any person who pushes a womans death wish fantasy into potentially-carrying-it-out territory deserves whatever trouble comes their way. Murder is wrong, even if the person wants it. And taking advantage of someone who clearly isnt in their right mind doesnt magically make manslaughter not criminal blackmail package or no blackmail package.
You must open up to your therapist about the risks youre taking, RNSMN. Some people with extreme and/or dangerous sexual obsessions have been successfully treated with talk therapy and low-dose antidepressants meds, not crazy pills. A good therapist and/or the right low-dose medication could help you find your way back to safer and saner BDSM practices without shutting off your sexuality completely.
Q: Im a woman in my early 30s having sex with a guy in his early 20s. The sex is more than casual, and we really care about each other. My concern is this guy has some alt-right sympathies that reveal themselves in our political discussions. Hes a Trump guy, but hesitates to admit it because he knows Im anti-Trump. He shares memes created by Mike Cernovich and Milo Yiannopoulos, he gets his news from hard-right publications, and his sister and brother-in-law are Holocaust deniers. This concerns and confuses me because hes such a sweet guy and, honestly, so goddamn good in bed. He might be the best lay Ive ever had. I cant reconcile these two sides of him, but I also cant help trying to enlighten him a little bit. One of his best features is his open-mindedness. Hes read books and watched documentaries Ive recommended. I feel a responsibility to this young, confused, and frankly not-too-bright person whos surrounded by bad influences. I want to be understanding and gently guide him in a better direction, but sometimes his ignorance is aggravating. I can also sense that hes beginning to feel a little judged, which can only make things worse. I keep thinking of your Campsite Rule, and I wonder at what point does one give up throwing logic and articles at someone who thought Hillary Clinton ran a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor? Can I continue to have sex with someone who thinks the left is conspiring to turn everyone communist?
Conflicted Lover
A: Dont fuck Nazis.
If someone you just met tells you theyre a Nazi, dont fuck that Nazi. If youre already fucking someone and they reveal themselves to be a Nazi, stop fucking that Nazi. If someone tells you theyre a Nazi and you fuck that Nazi anyway and keep fucking that Nazi because theyre good at sex (for a Nazi), your effort to gently guide that Nazi away from being a Nazi doesnt make it okay for you to fuck that Nazi.
Okay, okay: This guy might not be a Nazi at all although it sure as fuck sounds like his family is, and they probably have more influence over him than you do. Its possible this young, confused, and not-too-bright boy is merely a Trump-supporting conspiracy theorist and maybe Im still too upset about Charlottesville to be impartial. Or, hey, maybe this guy is already a Nazi and hasnt revealed the full extent of his odious political beliefs to you, CL, because the sex is good and hes hoping to fuck the Nazi into you before you can fuck the Nazi out of him.
Finally, good people dont worry about making Nazis feel judged. Nazis should be judged à la Judgment at Nuremberg, an old film with a feel-good ending thats worth watching right about now. Another thing good people dont do? They dont fuck Nazis.
Q: A few years ago, my dad was busted by the cops for using an online forum to solicit escorts. The arrest and infidelity destroyed his marriage to my mom. My brother and I were in our mid-teens at the time and were angry enough with him that we asked him to not seek custody. He obliged, and neither of us has seen him since. I miss my dad or the man I thought he was. I know part of my anger comes from how badly he hurt my mom. As I mature, Im wondering if I was unfair to my dad by cutting off all contact. I dont think sex work is immoral. I dont think people who see sex workers are bad. But because my dad was involved in this bust, and because I had to become aware of the double life he led, I felt uncomfortable around him. It doesnt help that some of the girls were not much older than I was at the time. I think Id like to get to know my dad again, but Im not sure what kind of relationship Im ready to have. He was a wonderful father and on some level, I recognize I cut him off when he showed me he was human. How do I reach out to him?
Please Help
A: Each of us is a writhing mass of contradictions, PH. We all have public personas and private personas, and there are always gaps between the two. And while those gaps, when exposed, can be mutually negating, thats not always the case. It is possible for someone to be a good dad and a shitty husband. The good dad you knew your dad to be? That wasnt a lie. It was one of your fathers truths. That he failed as a husband and hurt your mom with an assist from laws criminalizing sex work is another of your fathers truths.
You dont say why your dad was seeking sex outside the marriage, PH, and I cant imagine that was a conversation you wanted to have with your dad in your mid-teens and it may not be one you ever want to have. But its possible your parents marriage was more complicated than you know. (The victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage, as Esther Perel says.) But youre not an awful daughter for refusing to see your dad during a contentious, confusing, and most likely humiliating time. (I imagine there was press).
As for how to reach out, I think e-mail is the best way to reestablish contact after an estrangement. You can take your time crafting what you want to say, and your dad can take his time crafting a response. And youve already written a good opening line for your first e-mail to your dad: Id like to get to know my dad again, but Im not sure what kind of relationship Im ready to have. But Id like to start talking via e-mail, for now.
Give your mother a heads up, PH, so she doesnt feel blindsided. Good luck.