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Hello Minda,
Ive been dating a girl for the past two years, and it has been really great. There are no jealousy issues or mistrust, and we are making plans to one day live together. I recently noticed a pattern in her behavior that, quite frankly, is raising some red flags for me.
She started to ask me for money some four months ago because she was between jobs and needed a little help (which is not a big deal in my book), but Ive noticed that she has consistently asked me for money every week for the past four months, but has not made the effort to find work until three weeks ago when she started working. I thought that once she found a job, she wouldnt have to ask for any more money, but she continues asking, even though she is now working.
Sometimes I react hesitantly towards giving her money, and she becomes upset, guilt tripping me into believing that I dont have her back and dont really want to be in a relationship with her for anything other than just sex. Im not sure how to approach this, because I believe that she is just trying to see how far she can push me to give her more money.
Its worth saying that I am crazy about this girl, but Im starting to get the feeling that our relationship may be taking a turn to where she is only with me as long as I keep giving her money.
How do I go about finding out for sure if she is with me because she loves me or she is just taking advantage of me?
Any thoughts would greatly help thanks.
Mr. Gold Mine
Mr. Gold Mine,
I agree. I dont think that, in general, theres anything wrong with helping your partner through a rough patch with a little financial assistance. But I think theres a whole lot wrong with taking advantage of your partner in any way, whether that be physically, emotionally or financially.
It looks like youve done what I typically recommend and had a direct conversation with your girlfriend about the issue. If shes been employed for three weeks, shes likely already got one paycheck under her belt and has another one on the way shortly. That combined with regular support from your wallet during the weeks she spent unemployed, seems to me like she should be back on stable ground.
Do you believe youre just in it for the sex? If youre just looking to get laid, theres no need to make long-term plans with someone, particularly plans that involve living together. There are also plenty of healthy, responsible, consenting adults involved in relationships that revolve around sex and money. But that doesnt feel like the established parameters of your relationship. If its her expectation that she be in a relationship with a man that pays her a set sum each week, she needs to be clear about that. You deserve the right to choose whether or not youre comfortable being that man.
I once lived with a boyfriend who made considerably less money than I did, and, while some of this might be due to gender norms, he really did all he could to avoid taking money from me. Id make up little reasons to give him money, or put gas in his car, because who likes to watch someone they love struggle? He was always thankful but never got comfortable with it and certainly never got into a routine of pressuring me for cash.
My gut says you gotta cut her off, or cut her loose. If you dont trust her, the relationship is done. If you feel like theres still room to get back to when things were good, you can be firm and tell her no more money. If she chooses to stay, shes into you, if she chooses to go, well
And while this isnt my favorite method, I believe I should mention it because you closed this letter with how much you care about her, and I sense youll need to be really, really sure before you can commit to leaving her. So, to get that certainty, you could call her bluff. No more money, no more sex. Tell her you love her, not just sex with her. And to prove it to her, tell her youre happy to go without sex for as long as she needs to feel confidant youre in love, not lust with her. Either youll realize shes not that appealing when sex isnt involved or that her claims dont hold up.
Minda