Nancy, the tech-savvy at-risk youth, two gimps, Christ on the cross, the Easter Bunny, two weeping women, and the Easter Bunnys smoking-hot leather master took to the stage at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon, for a live taping of the Savage Lovecast on Easter weekend. Audience members submitted their questions on cards (I take my questions like some of you take your men: anonymously) but with Rachel Lark and the Damaged Goods and comedian Nariko Ott on the program as well, we didnt get to many questions. So Im going to answer as many of Portlands questions as I can in this weeks column.
Q: Weve been sleeping with another couple for three months (first time my BF and I opened our relationship). How do I suggest full penetration with the opposite partner? At this point, we just do oral and thats the groove were in.
A: Only-oral-with-others may be this couples preferred groove and the lane they want to stay in. If theyre only up for the soft swap, as its known in swinging circles, penetration isnt gonna happen. But you should feel free to ask for what you want at the very least, youll get some long-overdue clarity about their boundaries.
Q: Is squirting pee? We know that chemically its similar, but is it really?
A: Im tired of this debate, so consider this my final answer: So what if it is pee?
Q: My girlfriend asked me to make out with another guy. Her fantasy. We met a really pretty, gay boy at a house party, and so I made out with him. I got hard, and my girlfriend made a huge scene. She says it was supposed to be for her pleasure, not for mine, and shes still angry six months later and constantly questions whether Im really straight. (I am!) What do I tell her?
A: Good-bye.
Q: When do you know if its okay to insert your finger in your boyfriends butthole? Without fear of freaking him out?
A: After youve applied lube to your finger and his butthole which youre allowed to do only after youve asked him if you can insert your finger in his butthole and after hes consented to having your finger in his butthole.
Q: I want to try anal, but I am scared of getting poop on my partner. Is an enema enough?
A: Properly administered, an enema should be more than enough. But with anal as with liberal democracy a good outcome is not guaranteed. Sometimes you do your homework and your prep, and everything still comes to shit.
Q: I love my man, but were both tops. What should we do?
A: Spit-roast very special guest stars if youre in an open relationship, take turns/one for the team if youre in a monogamous relationship, explore and enjoy your non-butt-penetrative options.
Q: How do we play around with opening up our relationship as parents of a 1-year-old? We barely have enough time or enough sleep to keep our own relationship juicy.
A: Play around in theory for now lots of dirty talk and put theory into practice after your kid is a toddler and youve landed a reliable babysitter.
Q: Will you plug stoptrumpswall.org?
A: Why not?
Q: My girlfriend and I are pretty grossly in love and very affectionate, especially after weve just had sex. Should we make an effort to tone it down a bit around a third weve just fucked around with? Or should we just be ourselves, and if they dont like it, oh well?
A: Be yourselves but make an effort to include your third in those oxytocin-infused displays of postcoital affection. Unless your third was inconsiderate or creepy during the sex, or is anxious to go immediately after the sex (a sign you may have been inconsiderate or creepy), your third helped get you to that blissed-out state and deserves to bask a bit in the afterglow too.
Q: Does the toe make a good substitute for the penis?
A: No.
Q: I have large breasts. My partners are either like, YAY BOOOOBS! or they ignore my breasts entirely. What is it with that? How do I get people to interact with my breasts like theyre another nice body part and not a bizarre thing?
A: By using your words. If there was a way you didnt like to be kissed, presumably you would speak up rather than endure lousy kisses. Same applies here: I have big boobs, and theyre great, and I love them but YAY BOOOOBS! makes me feel like Im only my tits, which isnt a nice feeling. That said, I dont want my boobs ignored, either. The sweet spot really isnt that hard to hit enjoy my boobs like you would any other nice body part. That said, some people really, really like big boobs and its going to be hard for them to contain their excitement. YAY BOOOOBS could be an understandable and forgivable first reaction on their part and an opening that allows you to have a conversation about bodies, consideration, and consent.
Q: My girlfriend wants to try fisting, but my hands are really large. Any ideas for how to get around that?
A: A hired hand.
Q: Tell my boyfriend to go down on me!
A: If your boyfriend wont go down on you unless some fag advice columnist tells him to if his girlfriend asking isnt good enough then its you I want to order around (break up with him!), not your boyfriend.
Q: Thank you, Dan. Five years ago, I was miserable in a sexless marriage. Tonight Im here with my fabulous boyfriend and my hot sub. Thanks to your advice!
A: Youre welcome!