Q: Ive read your column for as long as I had access to the internet and was interested in sex, so here it goes: Im a 27-year-old male with a 42-year-old girlfriend. We met at work; we were both going through divorce. At the beginning, holy moly! My dream girl in the bedroom. Weve been together for a year, and the sex is still the best Ive ever had she says she feels the same but its vanilla. I am assertive and in-control in the bedroom, which works for both of us, as she prefers to be passive and wants me to make moves or switch it up. I want to do other things, but she doesnt want to do anything anymore other than missionary-position sex. Anal, oral, watching porn together, bondage, voyeurism shes not up for any of it. Theres always an excuse: Im not young like you, Im not flexible like you, I have done that before and dont like it, no, no, no. Do I just suck it up and be grateful for what I have or what? She Hates Options Totally, Desires One Way Now
A: She wants you to be in control and switch it up but doesnt want to do any of the things you suggest when you take control and attempt to switch things up. Hmm. Either youre bad at everything youve attempted other than missionary, SHOTDOWN, or she has a very limited sexual repertoire and/or actual physical limitations or health issues she hasnt divulged to you.
Considering the age difference here, and considering that this is a post-divorce rebound relationship for you both, the odds are stacked against anything long-term. I dont mean this relationship is doomed to fail. What I mean is this: Youll probably be together for another year or two before parting ways. While most people would define that as a failed relationship, anyone whos been reading my column for as long as hes been interested in sex can tell you that I dont define failure that way. If two people are together for a time, if they enjoy each others company (and genitals), if they part amicably and always remember each other fondly and/or remain friends, their relationship can be counted as a success even if both parties get out of it alive and go on to form new relationships.
In the meantime, SHOTDOWN, enjoy the amazing vanilla sex for as long as it lasts which could be forever. Anyone whos been reading my column for as long as hes been interested in sex knows that Im not always right.
Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. Were both 29 and are in the process of creating a future together: We live together, we have a great social life, we adopted a dog. Were compatible, and I do love her. However, our sex life could be a whole lot better. I like sex to be kinky, and she likes it vanilla. She is adamant about monogamy, while I want to be monogamish. I feel strongly that this is who I am sexually and my sexual desires are not something I can change. My girlfriend thinks Im searching for something Ill never find and says I need to work through it. Because we are so compatible in every other aspect of our relationship, should I keep trying to work past the unsatisfying sex? Needs Advice, Want Threesomes
A: Divorce courts are filled to bursting with couples who made the same mistake you and your girlfriend are currently making a mistake that gets harder to unmake with every dog you adopt or lease you sign. Youre not sexually compatible, NAWT and sexual incompatibility is a perfectly legitimate reason to end an otherwise good relationship. The importance of sexual compatibility in sexually exclusive relationships (the kind your girlfriend wants) cannot be stressed enough. Sexual compatibility is important in open and/or monogamish relationships too, of course, but there are work-arounds in an open relationship.
The gaslight bar is set so low these days that Im going to go ahead and accuse your girlfriend of gaslighting you: There are people out there who have the kind of relationship you would like to have its a lie that no one has a GGG partner or a successful monogamish relationship and I have it on good authority that many of these people are straight. Youll never find everything you want, NAWT, since no one gets everything they want. But youre too young to settle for the girlfriend youve got.
Youve already made the dog mistake. Get out before you make the child mistake.