Behold our annual Fake Issue, celebrating the April fool in all of us.
The difference is that this year, fake news is more than just Onion-esque frivolity or Andy Borowitz-ian profound-punditry. The phrase carries new, 1,000-volt currency in this era of tRumpian bluster and lies, and Russian meddling and agitprop. Its ascendancy and normalized use reflect attacks on the backbone of democracy — a free, credible press. Still, there is a place for fake — real fake. In addition to LEO’s longstanding tradition of April Fool’s Day issues, journalism has had a long, hilarious history of parody and satire, practiced with much sharper pens than we claim to use here. These days, we enjoy The Onion, Borowitz, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, but they follow America’s best practitioners who included Mark Twain, Dorothy Parker and Will Rogers, (who predicted tRump: “A fool and his money are soon elected,” and “Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke”).
So we ask that you feel no guilt while enjoying, hating or dismissing our attempts to retell the past year’s city, state and national events with some old-fashioned satire, flights of sarcasm and (hopefully, no mean) digs. To check out the music, food and news sections of the Fake Issue, click here.
Donald Trump speaks with LEO: ‘I am going to level with you and your lefty readers’
President Trump granted LEO Weekly an exclusive interview, one that The Courier-Journal, Insider Louisville or even news-gathering powerhouse WDRB didn’t get. Ha, ha! But to get that exclusive interview, LEO agreed to any and all conditions President Trump set. I mean, after all, we are communists, anarchists (and one Bernie socialist) here at LEO, working for the overthrow of American society and, especially, the destruction of family values. We agreed to not ask the president any difficult, gotcha, polysyllabic questions, including about what his income taxes might reveal, and how he can ignore the obvious conflict of interests posed by owning property and owing loans around the world and having family work beside him in the West Wing. Certainly most significant — we agreed to not ask him about the FBI investigation into possible Russian collusion with the Trump administration.
LEO: Comrade Trump, how about that FBI investigation into possible Russian collusion with your administration?
President Donald Trump: Love LEO Weekly. It is real news. Doing a wonderful job. Wonderful. Not like those loser, failing newspapers and websites, like Fake News Courier-Journal and Faker News Louisville Insider, although WDRB is OK. Those others are losers big time. So I am going to level with you and your lefty readers, because I know you will understand: been working with the Russians for years. Many years. Good friends and great country. Not like that loser Chai-nah. And we have been working to basically turn America into an oligarchy just like President Putin has done. He is a good, good man. Wonderful man. The best. A businessman and thug, like me.
Is this why you will not reveal your tax returns? Because they would show the depths of your ties to Russia and others who may be controlling what you do?
Not true that the Russians have anything on me. Absolute fake news. Sure, they recorded me directing hookers to piss on [President] Obama’s hotel bed, but, hey — you would do it, too, you degenerates. And sure they have photographs of me scrubbing Ivanka’s back with live hedgehogs and pit viper venom, but that is an old-family tradition. This country needs more family traditions like that, not the other weak ones like eating dinner together or spending time with each other doing, er… fun things. I learned that in military boarding school, where I also learned how to treat women from the pages of Playboy. That Hef, a great, great man. Small hands, though…
What about your tax returns?
Tax returns. Fabulous. The best tax returns ever.
Thank you for answering that, comrade! How has your visit to Louisville been? What have you done while you are here?
Louisville is a great city. Fabulous city. Except for that loser mayor. Fissure. Mayor Fissure. He is failing, and you will see — Bevie [Gov. Matt Bevin] and I will take over your city and make it great again. The best. Bevie has the goods on Fissure. Bevie, like a son, a short son. We could be best friends. Good friends. Doing in Louisville? After talking to that gigantic crowd of my supporters, great people, big crowd. Ivanka and I took in a spa. Not as good as the one Putie and I took, with the oak branches and the prostitutes… At a place called Vapor, I think it was. Great men there. Great. Ran into David James. Great councilman. He seemed to been enjoying himself, too. We also ate at that McDonald’s on Dixie Highway. Fabulous. The same every time.
Why do you think you won the presidency?
I won by an overwhelming number — despite the illegals bad Hillary trucked in from Mexico. I won because I am great. And people are hungry sheep — they will eat whatever is in front of their faces, and I made them buy fries and supersize it.
Don’t you think U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell, through his obstruction and efforts to harm the Obama presidency, set the tone and groundwork for dissatisfaction among middle-America voters?
Mitch, a great man. The best. He worked to keep Obama from bringing his Islamic, Kenyan-born values to our great, great country. With him controlling the Senate, we will do great, great things together. I didn’t have government healthcare growing up, so why should anyone else? Those people who voted for me are in for a big surprise. They will get, what do you lefties call it? A life lesson. Trust someone who then screws you over — you won’t do that again! They should pay me for such a great, fabulous lesson.
Any final words?
Where is the bathroom. I need another injection.
New Lincoln Bridge closed, lanes going in wrong direction
Even before the first car could cross the newly-finished Abraham Lincoln Bridge, which was years in the making, officials closed it to all traffic after realizing that its lanes went the wrong way — south to Louisville, instead of north to Indiana.
“I am not sure how this happened,” Wally McIntyre, construction engineer for Walsh Construction, the main contractor, said, scratching his head. “It all looked good on paper, and also when we were building it.”
The Lincoln Bridge was supposed to carry tolled traffic north, with the John F. Kennedy Memorial Bridge taking vehicles south. Now, they both are oriented to the south.
The cost of reversing the flow could be in the millions, according to officials from the Kentucky Department of Transportation. “We think Indiana should pay for this fuck-up, because — well, Indiana would be Alabama if not for Kentucky,” said transportation Secretary Michael Bevin, who is Gov. Matt Bevin’s cousin.
Indiana officials said their state will not pay, because it was Kentucky’s responsibility to ensure the project was built correctly. “And besides, if it were not for Southern Indiana, who would buy all those surplus Crown Vics with tinted windows that Kentucky is always trying to get rid of,” said Indiana transportation Secretary Cletus McWethersbee.
Motorists in Louisville and Southern Indiana were frustrated and baffled.
“Why can’t they just change the signs so traffic goes the other way?” asked Fred McTavish, 23, of Pleasure Ridge.
Jeffersonville resident Carla MacMonroe, 56, said she thinks both bridges should run south to Kentucky. “Nobody wants to go to Indiana anyways. Everyone wants to leave,” she said.
Lyndon Mother gives birth to first Blue Life
A Lyndon mother gave birth to the first Blue Life this past weekend, a healthy 7-pound, 6-ounce boy named Scott Staph. The child is the first of the Blue Lives that state GOP has prophesied, a small, but burgeoning minority, that requires special, state protections.
His parents, Creed and Erica Staph, are grateful for the forward-thinking actions of the GOP, congratulating them for their steadfastness to protect those most precious in our community.
“Obviously, all lives matter, but our special baby boy has a tough road ahead of him, and we’re thankful for the protections put in place to prevent any future harm. It should be considered a hate crime to target anyone for the color of their skin,” said Creed Staph.
State House Rep. Kevin Bratcher, a Louisville Republican, said, “It’s just a no-brainer. No one should be unjustly targeted for the way that they were born, for the religion that they ascribe too, or for anything external to their person.”
Known for his humanitarian efforts to segregate Louisville, Bratcher was inspired to action by the 2016 movie “X-Men: Apocalypse,” which he believes to be a documentary predicting the emergence of blue humanoids.
“You look at J. Law in that movie, and she’s blue. She’s got two friends that are blue, which means that there could always be more. Even though the bad guy was blue, I figured it was because he was probably the victim of bullying. I have to put a stop to that. Blue Lives matter to me and should matter to you too. Just look at J. Law.”
Prior to the birth of baby Staph, protesters were concerned that the law may prove to be superfluous, and a waste of taxpayer money.
“Until yesterday, Blue Lives weren’t a thing. You aren’t born blue, you know, or at least I thought. I mean, what even is a blue life, you know? Leave it to the Kentucky GOP to help those most vulnerable in our society in working to create a safer world,” said Addler Barton, a local SJW and employee at Starbucks.
Entire downtown to become hotels to boost affordable housing
Not to be outdone by Cincinnati or Nashville, which are undergoing unprecedented, hotel-building booms, Louisville city officials announced they are turning the entire downtown into hotels.
Mayor Greg Fischer said claiming 10 city blocks for hotels also will help alleviate the affordable-housing crunch, which the city has largely ignored. “People can rent a nice Marriott room and get valet service,” Fischer said, adding that they can also collect points for a Caribbean vacation if they stay in the same hotel over time.
Upon announcing the plan, the city Office of Urban Reclamation awarded an exclusive, no-bid contract to Cordish & Co., the city’s sweetheart developer, responsible for Fourth Street Live!
A spokesman for Cordish said the new dress code applied to Fourth Street Live! also will be in place for the hotel project.
“You can wear hoodies, dreads, be sagging and have baseball caps pointed in any direction in these hotels,” said Mo McMoney, the Cordish spokesman. “This is a downtown project, so we want it to have an urban feel.”
Affordable-housing activist Sheila McAdobe criticized Fischer and Cordish for failing to understand that hotels are not affordable housing, and the project ultimately will push more people into homelessness. “This had better be Fischer’s April Fools joke, because he is sounding like a fool. And to quote my favorite philosopher, Mr. T — ‘I pity the fool.’”
Archbishop says bear can be scout leader, but gays too dangerous
Louisville Archbishop Joseph Kurtz declared this week that a bear would be allowed to become a scout leader in a local Catholic parish troop, but he still refuses to allow gay leaders.
“Gay people are simply more dangerous to our children than this little guy,” Kurtz said, motioning to the snarling bear. “And I can’t think of anyone better to teach kids about the wilderness than a bear that actually shits in the woods.”
Greg Bourke, a former scout leader who was forced to resign in 2012 because of his sexual orientation, wasn’t surprised.
“Kurtz is an asshole,” said Bourke. “He has a long history of being an asshole, and he will probably go to his grave, a big, shiny red, baboon-sized asshole.”
After the Boy Scouts of America decided to allow gay scout leaders in 2013, Bourke attempted to rejoin his local Catholic parish troop, but he was denied by the Archdiocese. This is an act that seems to be in defiance of Pope Francis’s more conciliatory rhetoric toward the gay community.
“Kurtz is just rubbing my nose in it, because, and I can’t stress this enough — he is an asshole,” said Bourke.
Other local Catholics, including David Smitherson, were simply confused by Kurtz’s move.
“I mean, I want to be a good Catholic and support my archbishop,” said Smitherson. “But, from my very limited knowledge of my own religion, he seems like an asshole.”
Smitherson said God would want us to be accepting of all people, and, while he didn’t know the exact scripture, he was pretty sure putting kids in harm’s way just to further a point is bad.
God could not be reached for comment in time for publication, but Jesus of Nazareth said of Kurtz: “Wow, what a asshole.”
Kentucky Ham Breakfast ended over LGBTQ pigs
Upsetting a tradition since 1964, the Kentucky Farm Bureau abruptly canceled its annual Kentucky Country Ham Breakfast and auction this year after finding out that “Green Acres Pig” Arnold Ziffel and “Charlotte’s Web” pig Wilbur were getting married.
“This taints pork and pork byproducts for us forever,” said Farm Bureau Executive Vice President David S. Beck. “We cannot condone homosexuality in any form, including of the porcine variety.”
The Farm Bureau may reinstate the breakfast and auction next year with the carrot as the star attraction, Beck said. “I don’t rightly know I have ever heard of a homosexual carrot,” he said.
The Farm Bureau is notoriously anti-LGBTQ. Its handbook — distributed to state and federal legislators — says: “The institution of marriage should only be recognized as the legal union of a man and a woman.” [Ed. note: That part is not fake.]
Apparently, Farm Bureau officials have extended to animals their odious habit of having opinions about issues that should not concern an insurance seller.
Fairness Campaign Executive Director Chris Hartman was outraged, saying that comparing the actions of animals to those of humans underscores the Farm Bureau’s ignorance and intemperance of judgment.
“WTF?!” Hartman exclaimed.
U.S. Rep. John Yarmuth, D-Louisville, who has led protests against the Farm Bureau breakfast over its policies, said he is dumbstruck by the decision. “Next thing you know, they will be policing where my dog can go to the bathroom,” he said.
Getbent Farms, which has produced the Grand Champion Ham in past years, said it can guarantee all of its pigs are heterosexuals. “We ain’t got no homersexual pigs here, no siree,” said Getbent owner Oliver Douglas.
Ziffel and Wilbur had announced their intentions publicly during a party at the Blind Pig, which The Voice-Tribune covered with a two-page photo spread. In an exclusive, The Courier-Journal published a report, based on sources, that Arnold had previously dated Mr. Haney’s prized basset hound Cynthia.
Louisville builds huge wall to keep out GOP legislation
A liberal paradise in Kentucky, Louisville has recently come under fire from Gov. Matt Bevin and a GOP-led state House with several “War on Louisville” bills. Fed up, Mayor Greg Fischer has authorized construction of an Anti-GOP Legislation Wall to combat Frankfort legislation.
Realizing that secession is impossible, Fischer and city officials said they are focused on immediately constructing the GOP-proof wall to halt any progression from regressives.
The wall is being built along the southern border of the Gene Snyder Expressway, with gaps along the I-64, I-65 and I-71 entries, which will be closely guarded by liberal foot soldiers. Speakers are being set up on the fence to play NPR at blistering volumes, a known deterrent to Republicans.
“We have some ideas in place to take this even further. We’re going to rig up a NASCAR car to blare the Charlie Daniels Band for anyone who gets too close and use it to lead them away. We’re also building decoy Planned Parenthood offices to keep GOP agents off our tracks,” said Fitz Salinger, the lead engineer on the project.
In addition to the wall, engineers are working on an anti-drone net to protect the city in the event that someone in the GOP figures out how to use the drone it bought at Wal-Mart. A laser field is being established at the Humana building. The lasers will be pointed down at the wall, creating a fierce net that will block any unwanted snooping.
“Not only are lasers awesome, but they will fry the fuck out of anything unwanted that tries to get through. We’ll have a window that we can shift periodically to let in the inevitable flow of drones from Amazon,” said Salinger. “We were initially concerned that stray lasers may cause damage in Indiana, but research has proven that Hoosiers, like Mitch McConnell and other prehistoric beasts, are immune to laser beams.”
Currently, there are plans in place to block Fox News, Breitbart and President Trump from future incursions into Louisville, but, as of now, those plans are a tightly-kept secret.
“Let’s just say it involves a catapult,” Salinger said.
New East End Bridge has sick jump
The newly-opened Lewis and Clark Bridge in The East End is set to feature some boss air for whatever mode of transportation you rock — car, motorcycle or, if you can sneak it up there, skateboard. There is a sick-ass jump on the northbound lane that totally makes your trip to Hoosier Land a little less bogus.
The jump was designed by Steve “Stevie” Freeman, a civil engineer and extreme-sports enthusiast, to add a little spice to the otherwise bland bridge. It is a nice ridge embedded in the road about 1/3 of the way into the left-hand lane.
“These are dark times that we live in,” said Freeman. “But adding this jump to the bridge is a surefire way to make your work day — or your weekend — a smash hit every time you hit the bridge.”
Area residents were initially uncertain of the value of committing a death-defying, “Dukes of Hazard”-style jump on a daily basis, but they have warmed to the idea.
“l didn’t think that the suspension in my minivan would hold up as well as it does, but so far so good. The thrill that I get from crushing the fuck out of this jump at 75 mph is better than the coffee that I used to need to get me through the day. I’m thinking of adding a racing stripe to my van now,” said Sandy Taints, a mother of four.
Prospect police have been busy since the jump was discovered, as they try to keep local skaters off the bridge. Fraternal Order of Police President Dave Mutchler is determined to be a buzzkill, though, instead of just letting people go raw on the bridge.
“These skaters need to realize that safety is important. They will respect my authority and stay off the bridge,” Mutchler reflected, quietly eating the last of his Doritos.
But local skaters are undeterred in their quest to gleam the ultimate cube. According to area skateboarder Dash Flexo, “The fuzz can get bent. I’m destined to grind every rail in every corner; it’s always worth the risk.”
Three injured as Joella’s-vs.-Royals spat on Facebook spills into streets
Two men and a woman in their 20s were treated for minor injuries over the weekend following a Facebook argument that ended in a brawl. The disagreement was apparently regarding the debate between Joella’s Hot Chicken and competitor Royals Hot Chicken, both of which serve their versions of the famous Nashville hot chicken.
Orin Bailey, 23, of Germantown, started the melee when he posted a photo of his Joella’s chicken tenders with Ella’s Fave sauce, with the caption, “Best hot chicken in Louisville! #GetSome”.
Almost immediately, Facebook user Lyla Thomasson responded with the taunt, “Joellas SUX. Royals way better~”. This prompted other users to chime in as well, some pro-Royal’s, and some pro-Joella’s. The debate raged on for more than three hours and eventually included nearly 30 Facebook users who have nothing better to do than argue about food on social media.
Posts include nasty comments such as “I would rather eat sh*t than Joellas!”, “U only like Royalls b/c your trying 2 B trendy. #lame”, and “They both SUCCCKKKK.”
Things turned violent when user Randall Mendy challenged Bailey, who had remained vocal in the ongoing debate, to meet him at Royals to show him just how much better the chicken is than Joella’s. “Bet you ain’t even BEEN to Royals! Meet me there in 30 mins or else!”
Police reports said that Bailey arrived to find Mendy waiting on the sidewalk. Words were exchanged as Bevy tried to force a chicken tender into Bailey’s mouth, causing the two to fall off the sidewalk and into the street. By coincidence, Thomasson, who had begun craving Royals since monitoring the debate all afternoon, was seated inside eating. She stood up quickly from her seat to watch the fight, slipped on a wet spot on the floor, and sustained bruises to her elbow and left buttocks.
“What we have here,” said Louisville Metro Police Department spokesperson Stella Fein, “is a classic example of social media gone wrong. For adults to engage in fisticuffs over fast food is a testament to what American society has come to. It’s embarrassing to even respond to calls like this.”
She paused and said, “You got any more questions? I just heared my number called, which means my to-go order is ready.”
Insider Louisville finally gives in — changes name to Louisville Insider
Frustrated by years of being referred to as “Louisville Insider,” InsiderLouisville.com announced this week it would change its name.
In a press release, CEO Tom Cottingham said, “We finally came to the realization that it will actually be easier to change our website, all of our business cards, stickers, T-shirts and stationery than to try to get hundreds of thousands of people to just say our damn name correctly.”
One Insider Louisville… er, Louisville Insider freelance writer, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said most of the people he talks to have referred to the news site by the wrong name, from news sources to local business leaders.
“My own family doesn’t even know what it’s called,” the writer said. “It makes us all here at Insider feel like a bunch of outsiders.”
In fact, even a quick Google search of “Louisville Insider” pulls up the Insider Louisville website immediately — if even Google doesn’t get it, clearly Louisvillians must be confused, as well.
Sara Havens, entertainment editor for Insider Louisville (or Louisville Insider) and former LEO editor, said the confusion began as soon as she began her job at Insider.
“My friends said it wrong. People I would interview said it wrong,” said Havens, aka the Bar Belle. “I didn’t know what I was getting into. No one ever said ‘Weekly LEO’ to me. I don’t know what the problem is in this town.”
Asked for comment, Mayor Greg Fischer looked confused and said, “I just call it Business First. Is that not the name?”
UofL to be reorganized as Koch Brothers University
Under pressure from scandals and the GOP’s anti-education measures, UofL is rebranding itself as Koch Brothers University. The move is considered a victory for state legislators, who saw the continued education and development of youth as a stumbling block for their reelections.
Charles G. and David H. Koch have a long history of political activism, working with communities nationwide to support Tea Party politics and traditional worker values. Allies of Gov. Matt Bevin, the brothers offered to fund the failing university to keep it open to students interested in a free market and clean, Bible-inspired living.
Starting in the fall of 2017, the university will lose its accreditation from the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools, because it violated rules meant to keep state government out of the classroom. Koch University will refocus as an institution that values hard work and effort, modeling itself on the successful, for-profit Phoenix University.
“We’re looking at a system that rewards those that work hard and believe that a well-rounded education is an affront to anyone focused on a career. We’re tired of educators trying to indoctrinate our children to believe in liberal ideas, which we believe encourages political and societal dissidence,” said Blaine Tucker, a former lobbyist and the incoming president.
The school will end all liberal arts programs, instead focusing on religious studies and the sciences. Students interested in art, music, writing or history are encouraged to get a real job, instead of keeping their head in the clouds.
According to David H. Koch, “Students are spending too much time concerned over things that don’t matter like reading, writing and history. At Koch Brothers University, we plan to offer a curriculum that favors subservient obedience to your corporate masters, to be a less abrasive cog in a much greater wheel.”
Opening day festivities include the symbolic wearing of the sombrero made customary by former UofL President James Ramsey, as well as the burning of books. Tuition rates are expected to increase, as Tucker noted: “Anything worth having should come at a great cost.”
Norton Commons to allow affordable housing for junior lawyers and poor doctors
Stung by controversy over its opposition to a low-income apartment building, the Norton Commons Neighborhood Association has agreed to allow affordable housing, but only if it gets to set the rates.
Association members, meeting recently during a high tea served by Somalian Lost Boys, said they realize that not everyone is a doctor, lawyer, corporate raider, trust-fund child or titan of industry.
“We want to be as inclusive as possible,” said association President Sheila McVickers, as she used the tie of a Lost Boy to dab a splotch of Benedictine from the edge of her mouth. “We feel like it is time to allow people from, uh… other levels of life to have at least a taste of our privileged lives, something to which they may aspire but never hope to attain.”
The houses and apartment buildings would be segregated in the corner of the sprawling Norton Commons development. Pointing to an area encircled in red, McVickers said that the 20-acre parcel would have similar, but separate, facilities and “be just wonderful. They are so lucky to have this opportunity to live so close to us.”
The base cost of an affordable-priced house would be $400,000, McVickers said, adding this would allow lawyers who have not made partner yet and doctors who chose low-paying specialties to live in Norton Commons. “That is a fraction of what we paid for our houses, but they will be simply gorgeous, and on the TARC line so maids, butlers and gardeners can get there easily,” she said.
The lowest rent for an apartment would be $4,000 a month, McVickers said. “These are perfect for women who have sublimated their desires by trying to compete in a man’s world and getting just far enough to have no social life but a little money. Now, they can live closer to potential husbands,” she said. “We do hope they do not think they can steal any of our men.”
Coach Petrino denies knowledge of Wake Forest player found in UofL locker room
After weeks of rumor and speculation, UofL’s notoriously hard-nosed head coach Bobby Petrino was forced to address allegations of kidnapping and cheating.
“I don’t know how that Wake Forest player ended up in the UofL locker room, with a Wake Forest playbook, wearing UofL gear and brainwashed into believing that he should be playing for us,” said Petrino during a news conference. “Shit happens people, you all need to quit making mountains out of ant hills!”
The player, widely considered Wake Forest’s best, was found in the UofL locker room in a state of delirium, following UofL’s devastating defeat of Wake Forest by 94 points. An increasingly-agitated Petrino continued to deny any knowledge of the incident.
“Look assholes, do you think I give a flying fuck about any of these players besides Lamar Jackson?” said Petrino. “I don’t know any of their names or faces, I only care that I can keep making millions off of their hard work!”
After bursting a blood vessel in his forehead screaming at one reporter, Petrino was escorted away, while UofL Athletics Director Tom Jurich took over the press conference. Reporters seized the opportunity to ask Jurich about other allegations of cheating by the university.
“I am unaware of any program in the UofL Biology Department to clone Lamar Jackson or any other player,” said Jurich. “UofL is dedicated to making money, and that sounds far too expensive when we could just exploit the dreams of more poor kids instead.”
Louisville declared a ‘Sanktuary City,’ not a Sanctuary City
Mayor Greg Fischer disappointed his liberal-leaning base by refusing to declare Louisville as a sanctuary city for immigrants, but he said he has a solution that relies on President Trump’s ability to read.
“I am going to declare us a sanktuary city,” the mayor said in a press release. “If we misspell sanctuary, I am certain President Trump and the Republican Congress will not punish us, because they obviously do not read much.”
Immigration lawyer Meila McDonaldson said she wants to know what Fischer is smoking, because it should be illegal. “You might say he is a koward,” she said.
But UofL presidential scholar Erastus B. McWethersmith said Fischer may have found a small loophole based on the fact that all of Trump’s pronouncements have been about “sanctuary” cities. “If Louisville follows the letter of the intent, then it is possible the city will not lose federal aid and can protect immigrants from deportation,” he said.
McWethersmith pointed to a precedent that stretches all the way back to No. 15, President James Buchanan, a lifelong bachelor, who threatened to withhold federal funding from states that refused to let men marry themselves. His home state of Pennsylvania refused to allow such marriages and, through a vote of its legislature, changed its name to Pensylvania. And it worked: Buchanan retained the state’s federal funds.
“No one knew how to spell Pennsylvania anyway,’ McWethersmith said.
Reached for comment to elaborate, Fischer told LEO exclusively that he also plans to change the spelling of Louisville to Loserville. “That way we can live up to our name,” he said.
Southeast Christian Church pastor to join gov. Bevin PAC
At the behest of Gov. Matt Bevin, Southeast Christian Mega Super Church’s has announced it will begin preaching from the pulpit. The spokesperson for the church also indicated the pastor will be joining the governor’s political action committee.
This response undoubtedly stems from pressure by Southeast Christian’s most powerful parishioner, Mr. Bevin, and his calls for churches to ignore the longstanding federal law prohibiting tax-exempt churches from endorsing any political candidate, party or issue.
Bevin called the law a “paper tiger,” and told a group of pastors, “There is no reason to fear it. There is no reason to be silent.”
The law was established in 1954.
Bevin blocked LEO on Twitter, and emails to his press secretary Amanda Stamper went unanswered. But on radio 840WHAS with Terry Meiners, he was asked about ignoring the half-century-old federal-tax law. Said Bevin: “I would have given the IRS two middle fingers, but I’m afraid I might miss, and get some of that middle finger on God.”
Southeast Christians Mega Super Church’s spokesperson also announced that the church’s senior pastor will be joining Bevin’s Super PAC, God-Fearing Americans for Bevin Prosperity. The spokesperson said this will not change any of the church’s teachings or operations and any differences will be relatively unnoticeable. For instance, instead of the normal basket of tithings that will be passed around, a second basket will be passed around for those interested in making an offering to Bevin’s PAC.
When asked if the church feared spending money on a mission other than that of God, they responded, “No, God speaks in mysterious ways. God may want to run a 30-second spot in the last couple of weeks of an election on repealing EPA regulations. If that’s so, then His will be done.”
Sunergos Coffee renamed Justforus to capture ‘family-friendly’ business
The Sunergos coffee chain said it has renamed itself JustForUs to reflect its “family-friendly” atmosphere, doubling down on the stance it took by expelling LEO Weekly newspaper racks from its shops.
Owners of the former Sunergos said their decision to remove LEO caused some to boycott the shop, but it also pleased its core of customers who do not like the weekly’s salacious content and just want to be with people like themselves.
“They do not cotton to increasingly sexually-explicit content and advertising,” said co-owner Justin McBean. Asked to elaborate, McBean said, “We do not like the nekedy pictures of women getting laser surgery, dwarf strippers named Peppa and the like. That is why God created clothes.”
LEO Owner Aaron Yarmuth said he respects the coffee shop’s right to exclude people, who are now boycotting the shops.
“They must be making a lot of money and don’t need more,” he said, adding, however, that he hopes the coffee shop can respect the paper’s right to publish images of scantily clad women as a way to boost its profits. “They are not called racks for nothing,” Yarmuth said, referring to the, er… racks.
Some wondered whether the former Sunergos had pulled the paper because of the LEO Valentine’s Day cover featuring two women kissing.
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind,” said William Shakespeare, 453, of England.
Others applauded JustForUs’ decision to be exclusive.
“I just want to be served coffee by people who look and think like me, and I want to drink it with people who look and think like me. Is that so wrong,” said Fred MacSojurner, 45.
Trolls to collect tolls on Ohio River bridges, Sean Garrison in charge
After realizing that license plate-tolling technology was bullshit, the Ohio River bridges operators have decided to create a team of trolls who will live under the spans and collect fees from drivers.
Executive director of the Ohio Bridges Project, Nelly McSphincter, said she got the idea after reading a Norwegian fairy tale about trolls, “Three Billy Goats Gruff,” to her daughter. “I said to myself, ‘Why not use trolls here? We can employ some locals and make a difference,” she said.
The initiative will be called Trolls for Tolls, and McSpincter hired Louisville punk music legend Sean A. Garrison, who will be in charge of recruiting and training the trolls. Garrison, the frontman for the recently disbanded band I Have a Knife and Kinghorse earlier, also is an aficionado of broadswords, medieval stuff, chopping up shit and general badassery.
McSpincter said she contacted Garrison after reading an interview he gave to the blog Never Nervous, in which he said he had joined the Society for Creative Anachronism and learned to fight with swords and other medieval weapons.
“People who don’t get it make very little sense to me: Who doesn’t want to be in a battle where 2,000 people in armor are trying to club each other silly? Some people like golf — I like taking a 9-foot-long spear with a [somewhat] padded tip and stabbing people in their armored yarbles with it, and I’ve been doing it for 27 years!” he told Never Nervous.
Said McSpincter, “I knew he was my man for the job. We need to give those toll scofflaws some grief. At the rate we are collecting tolls, the bridges won’t be paid for in Keith Richard’s immortal lifetime.”
Reached by email, Garrison declined to comment, saying only: “Fuck off before I kick you in the nuts.”
Kentucky GOP on Trumpcare: ‘When we were your age we just died’
Kentucky state lawmakers remain confounded by complaints about replacing access to affordable healthcare with Trumpcare. They have been working diligently to deny access to healthcare, a move intended to protect the free market.
“We’re committed to keeping the government out of every little thing that you do, and are working around the clock to secure your right to die in the way that best reflects your lifestyle,” said Gov. Matt Bevin, who has a reported net worth of $15.5 million and government-subsidized health care.
Calling the previous system an “unmitigated disaster that allowed thousands access to affordable healthcare,” Bevin said a long life must be earned.
“If these people would just pull themselves up by the bootstraps, they could become valuable members of our society. As it stands, I have no idea why our resources should go towards helping those less fortunate than myself,” said Bevin adding, “With the inevitable collapse of our environment, I’m not sure that any of these people could even afford the underground bases that we’re building to survive anyways. Really we’re doing them a favor.”
It’s not just Bevin who sees a shorter lifespan as a blessing. According to U.S. Rep. James Comer, R-1st District, “If this is what the Lord wants, it’s our responsibility to make it happen. My great grandpappy fought in the Great War for you ingrates to have the opportunity to die, and he used to tell me: ‘When we were your age, we just died.’”
Not all Kentucky residents are on board with embracing the eternal night. Randy Lando, a resident of Horse Cave, Kentucky, is not so sure that his fight with cancer is curable by prayer.
“Look, I get that Baby Jesus fought for my sins, but I have enjoyed the brief remission that my treatment program has offered my pain and suffering. I would cover it out of pocket, but Wal-Mart doesn’t offer insurance or pay enough to afford me that,” said Lando, father of a newborn son. “I get that I should just die, but I feel like my baby might like to have a father.”
Norton Commons resident embarrassed she has bottle of Trump Bordeaux in wine cellar
A former fan of the reality TV series “The Apprentice,” Norton Commons resident Marcia Reedy is now embarrassed that she has a bottle of Trump Bordeaux in her wine cellar.
“I bought it mostly as a souvenir,” she told LEO Weekly. “I never really even intended to drink it, because I’d heard his wines weren’t very good; of course, it’s a 2012 vintage, and I hear that was an up year, so who knows?”
The problem she faces now is that she abstained from voting because she “didn’t like any of the candidates,” but the presence of the Trump bottle has already made two of her friends suspicious of her political allegiances.
“My friend Mimi said, ‘What on Earth is that?’ So I made a joke about receiving it as a gag gift, and then I changed the subject,” Reedy recounted.
Prior to a dinner party at her home just last week, Reedy said, she actually hid the bottle in a cabinet before guests arrived. One of the first things she does at the start of any party, she told LEO, is take guests on a tour of her $450,000 home, including the custom wine cellar she had installed in 2013. Since there were 12 guests scheduled to attend, she wanted to avoid any uncomfortable comments or situations.
Asked if she still follows “The Apprentice,” she said, “Not really. I don’t like that new host they have. He’s too hard to understand.”
When pressed about what she planned to do with the bottle, Reedy remained uncertain. She stressed she isn’t anti-Trump, per se, but she worries how it will look to left-leaning friends. Dumping it and recycling the bottle aren’t options because, “What if someone peeks in my recyclables and sees it?”
Asked how she feels Trump’s first two months in office have gone, she simply shrugged.
“I really don’t follow politics,” she said. “I know President Trump is supposed to be a great businessman, though, and he promised he would clean up the swamp in Washington, so I’m fine with him, personally. But apparently some people aren’t happy with him. Maybe I should watch the news more.”