This week, I’m answering questions from folks I-Know-Who-Would-Rather-Not-Be-Known-By-You. In a relationship jam? Lemme unstuck your life: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Q: I just moved to Louisville and am craving a social life. I’ve got kids and a job and not a lot of money. Where can I tap into engaging conversation with interesting people?
—Because Only Rich Extroverts Dine out
Also, poor extroverts with no respect-for-our bank accounts dine out too! I know that new-city-new-friends struggle. I had to do it in four different cities. I suggest:
- Meetup.com is for meeting people into the same ish you’re into. You might have to join a few before you find one with the right vibe.
- The parent group at your kids’ school might be a good place to make friends and watch the little ones at the same time.
- No time like the present to get active in your community. Louisville has a lot of great organizations that could use a hand. You’ll be doing good and meeting people who are passionate about what you’re passionate about at the same time.
Q: So, I moved across the country from the East to West Coast last summer. In the few months before I moved I got really close with a guy (Let’s call him X). We spent a lot of time together, and I only told one friend about him (let’s call her Uhora… as in A Horrible Person). X and I never had sex, but we were intimate. Uhora was the only person I told about him and how much I liked him. He and I had a great connection. When I moved, we kept in touch, but neither of us wanted a long-distance thing. We chatted on the phone maybe bi-monthly. About nine months after I was settled on the West Coast, Uhora called to tell me she and X had been sleeping together for a few weeks, and she wanted to let me know. I told her that X is a good guy, and it already happened, so what could I really say… I mostly ignored her calls and texts after that.
Fast forward… I went to visit friends on the East Coast and ran into X. He never knew she and I were close, just that we worked together. He didn’t mention her. He asked if we could chill together when I come back (three weeks from now!). He’s not just trying to get me in bed, unless he has changed drastically over the last year. We used to lay around and paint, or talk for hours, maybe go to the farmers market together, etc.
So here’s the question: Is it wrong if I decide to pursue him? At the very least, I want to kiss him again. Is that just petty? I talked to him a couple weeks ago, and I really don’t know if it would be wrong. I don’t want to be trifling just because she was trifling. And based on what X said (or better yet, didn’t say), I feel like maybe they were never a thing at all…
You have my permission to be petty, with caution. I’d have a direct convo with X about lil’ miss Uhora. Let him know you know what’s up, but you don’t really care, and whatever fall out ensues is between him and her. Get yours girl.
Q: It’s always been very easy for me to make friends with the opposite sex. I’m personable AF. The thing that makes this difficult is that they always wind up assuming I’m into them. I make these great, deep connections, and get very close very quickly, and it’s great because I love having close friends, but eventually they start giving out these weird “I know you’re into me vibes,” but I’m not! And nothing kills a friendship like them trying to let me down gently, when I never wanted their ass to begin with. How do I put an end to this? Why don’t these fools know if I wanted them, I’d already have them?
Hi there, FNS,
You can’t say you like doing 1+2 in a friendship, but don’t understand why you keep ending up with 3. You might not think your behavior means you’re into someone, but if it is understood to be I-Want-You behavior, then the only answer is to change.