I know this is going to sound weird, but I feel as if I don’t have anything to say to you this week.

Praise the Lord! But forgive my scepticism.

I just feel overwhelmed. Like a nightmare in which I’m struggling to stay afloat in Hurricane Bay, the waves set permanently on the Big Cahuna… only rather than water, the pool is full of shite. What started out as a bit of fun at the expense of this state’s overabundance of loonies has turned into a new chronicle of the dark ages. I feel like the Venerable Bede.

Events, mate; events. That’s all they are. You’re going to die long before you have to lower yourself to learn working-class skills just to survive. Besides, we live in remarkable times; we’re witnesses to the full-throttled repeal of civilisation. Upper-middle-class knobs like you are crying yourselves to sleep every night. Me, I’m loving it. Come on, mate: Now that Bevin has started to kill off unions, the world of Dickens you admire so much is going to be de rigueur.

Top hats and tails I can cope with. Outbreaks of cholera and gangs of urchins, less so. Funny, isn’t it, how desperate low-wage workers are to be rid of unions? Can’t see the long game behind it — which is clearly the end of collective representation.

Of course it is. It’s all PR. I mean, who doesn’t want a “right to work”? So you cut off what you can, in the expectation that it’ll eventually mean that unions are no longer economically viable. Bankrupt the unions, then start eroding benefits. Paid vacation, health insurance, even the five-day working week; you name it, every benefit will be negotiable. None of these things is indispensable — and as de Gaulle said, the graveyard is full of the indispensable.

I believe he was referring to people, rather than working benefits, but I catch your drift.

And so what seems like a sensible move now — not paying even a reduced union due when you’re not a member — will eventually turn into a nightmare for workers, at least at firms that believe worker ants are the scum of the Earth. And there’s no shortage of companies that think they are. The brothers Koch have won.

Yep. Good luck negotiating for a raise or paid vacation when you’re on your own. Zero sympathy, though. Anyway, did you watch that Trump presser last week?

No, mate, I couldn’t bear one second of it. Much as I’m enjoying this canker-blossom’s Little Big Horn approach to his presidency, I’ve got better things to do than to watch it on the box.

I watched it. You know what the worst thing about it was? It wasn’t the end of the American shadow empire, which is something all empires must face, and something we’ve brought on ourselves. It was the fall of the press, live on national television.

I’m loathe to publicly offer you anything but witty and biting slap-downs, so please don’t take this as affirmation of your value. However, my opinion of the Fifth Estate hasn’t been significantly eroded since you stopped writing full time, and I’m not sure how you think a press conference, no matter how farcical, confirmed the downfall of the press.

Trump called out CNN with the specific intention of destroying it, right in front of them all. And they did nothing. First he came for CNN, but I was not CNN. We know how that ends. The rest of those cowards stood there and did nothing. The new president has a lust for vengeance, and the first time he comes for one of them they green-light it.

I think we’ve seen that Trump’s bile is opportunistic and short-lived. He’ll be gunning for another brand within the week, and his followers will move onto hating something different. That said, I’m a big fan of the whole Golden-Watergate-Thing, and I’ll take the believer’s low road: Until someone formally and conclusively disproves it, I’m putting my faith in it. As far as I’m concerned, Trump pays slappers to piss on him. There’s your new president, Christian America.

Sad to state in this forum, but I’m with you on this one — if not for more characteristically cerebral reasons. The term “fake news” is itself totally Orwellian, as if all news were black-and-white. There’s a huge difference between genuine “fake news,” like claiming that Elvis was spotted buying a burrito at La Bamba, and unvalidated-but-undoubtedly-newsworthy information. The idea that Russians have compromising intelligence on our new POTUS certainly falls into the latter category.

Still, if his supporters weren’t turned off by him before the election, they’re hardly going to get turned off by him now. All it does is further entrench their worldview, just like Meryl Streep did at the Golden Globes. Besides, if we’re relying on McConnell to do the ethical thing, we’re in for a bloody long wait. The only thing that’ll swing it is if one of Putin’s cronies puts video evidence on YouTube, which, from what I know about the FSB and Kompromat, is about as likely as Bevin taking a Valentine’s selfie with Andy Beshear.

I don’t know if I could watch it. I mean, I’ve watched a lot of reasonably dark pornography in my time, but none of it was Donald Trump getting hosed by Russian-hookers-dark. My respect for the dedication and stoicism of those intelligence officers, no matter if they are our boys or the Russkies, has gone up tenfold. They must have asbestos stomachs.