Q: Im a 37-year-old gay man who just got out of an abusive relationship. We were together five years, moved to Portland together, got married three years ago, yada, yada, yada. He suffered a traumatic injury earlier this year, which led to PTSD, which led to a nervous breakdown, which led to our savings being depleted, which led him to leave me in October. He moved back to the other side of the country, and Im broke and on my own in a strange city. I saw your dirty film festival when it played here, and it made me realize something: At my age, I should still be enjoying myself and evolving sexually. I was unhappy in my marriage for the last two years, but sexually I was unhappy for a long time. Recently, I had a decent one-night stand. It was a drunken, stoned, hot mess, but it got the job done and there was no guilt on my part, which to me signifies that it really is over with my ex. But I cant help feeling like Im starting over. Not just dating, but starting over with my sex life and my writing. My ex had me switch from LGBT media which I am very good at to copywriting, which sucks but is steadier. The point is: I want so much sexually, because Ive been starved physically and psychologically, but I dont know where to begin. I feel like my marriage eviscerated me sexually. Not just the sex part of it, but the parts of my homosexuality that felt important to my personality, not just my turn-ons. Help.
Grieving And Yearning Man Asking Nicely
A: Youre not too old to enjoy yourself and evolve sexually, GAYMAN youre never too old to enjoy yourself or evolve, sexually or otherwise. But it takes time to bounce back after a committed LTR ends traumatically. So dont rush yourself. But as soon as you can sooner than perhaps it feels right youll need to get out there. Youll need to actively and intentionally reconnect to your homosexuality and the ways in which it shaped and continues to inform your personality, your perspective, and your joy.
And now some random tips
Im not being look-ist or body-fascist here this isnt about having Instagrammable abs or the best torso on Grindr but join a gym, GAYMAN. Or take up a sport that kicks your ass, cardio-wise. Forcing your body to outrun your brain is a good way to get back in touch with yourself physically, emotionally and sexually. And exercising again, Im not talking abs here is good for us. Its a natural antidepressant. It gets blood pumping into our extremities. (Your dick is an extremity.) And it gets us out of our heads. It also creates a social space, if you do it regularly, where you can make friends and connections without booze or drugs or the scourge of dance music.
If the gym isnt for you, ride a bike. If biking isnt for you, run. If running isnt for you, walk. Just get your ass moving.
Go volunteer somewhere, anywhere. Like someone or other once said, its hard to feel sorry for yourself when youre making yourself useful. Go volunteer at the ACLU or Planned Parenthood, do some copywriting for an LGBT civil-rights organization, find out what orgs are working with immigrants in your community and ask them what kind of help they need.
Please dont succumb to meth or any of the other stupid drugs. Pot and alcohol in moderation arent stupid drugs.
Reach out to friends you lost touch with over the last five years, apologize for letting these relationships go, and ask if theyd like to reconnect. Not all will, GAYMAN some might be too angry to reconnect right now (you may hear from them later), some might not have any extra friendship bandwidth right now (ditto). Focus on friends who want to reconnect, and dont be bitter about friends who dont.
Masturbate. A lot. And dont use porn every single time try using your imagination, flip through the ol solodex. Be open to new experiences. Ask yourself where youve always wanted to go. Pick a big gay event youve always wanted to attendgay days at Disneyland, International Mr. Leather in Chicago, the World Series of Beer Pong in Las Vegasand start setting money aside so youll have that trip to look forward to.
Good luck, GAYMAN.
Q: Im a 44-year-old married gay male. I recently found out my 30-year-old husband has been sending dick pics to randoms on Grindr. He says he doesnt remember who he sent pics to, or why, other than I was working late and he was drunk and pissed at me. I want to be mature about this, but Im really hurt. Weve been together more than four years and married six months. We have a closed, monogamous relationship. He says hes been faithful, and I believe him. Im struggling to trust him, however. Am I overreacting?
Help Understanding Relationship Trauma
A: Which would you rather have, HURT: This particular husband (aka the man you married) or a husband (a generic husband) who wouldnt, couldnt and didnt send dick pics to randoms on Grindr? Given a choice between a perfect, flawless, blameless but imaginary husband and the imperfect, flawed, living, breathing husband youve got, which would you pick?
Personally, I recommend choosing actual-and-flawed husbands over perfect-and-imaginary ones. (Im not telling you to do anything I havent done and that my own husband hasnt done.)
With that said, HURT, and hopefully with that choice made, your husband needs to drop the I was mad at you for working late bullshit and take responsibility for his actions. Drunk may have played a role, as booze is the great disinhibitor, but swapping dick pics isnt something reasonable dick-having people do in response to run-of-the-mill annoyances. Your husband sent those pics because he enjoys showing off the goods. Your husband has an exhibitionistic streak.
So what to do about it? You could forbid it, HURT, but creating a little space in our marriages for pleasures we may not share or fully understand making accommodations instead of issuing threats can make our marriages stronger, not weaker, less contentious and therefore less brittle. If swapping pics makes your husband feel desirable, and he plows that sexual energy into you not only arent you being betrayed, youre benefiting.
If I were you, HURT, I would grant him this small zone of erotic autonomy.
Q: Im a Canadian gay man, married eight years to a man with a thing for men spitting in his face. Its a degradation thing (of course), and I would do it for him but it cant be me. It cant be someone he loves, someone who loves him, it has to be someone he doesnt know, someone who regards him with contempt. He finds guys to do this for him on the hookup apps, and I dont have a problem with it. I do have a problem leaning in for a kiss when his face reeks of some other mans spit. He likes the lingering scent I do not. He says Im kink-shaming him when I recoil and ask him to go wash his face. Hes agreed to abide by your ruling, Dan. Should he wash his damn face?
Smelling Patooey Irks This Spouse
A: Youve accommodated your husbands kink. He needs to return the favor and accommodate your nose. He should wash his damn face and get his damn flu shot.