The value of the worst president ever, moving the traitors’ statue

You’re back? What the bloody hell? I thought you promised to remain in the Albion if Trump won?

If I wasn’t allowed back in, old chap. As a legal immigrant — particularly one who talks proper posh — I remain very welcome here. Besides, as you’ll recall, I girded my loins in preparation for him winning. And given the choice between Brexit Britain and Trump’s America, think I’ll take my chances here.

I can’t speak for every American, but, as far as I’m concerned, you’re about as welcome as a dose of the clap. But I suppose I’m stuck with you, like we’re stuck with Trump… at least until it dawns on him that he’s as out of his depth in the Oval Office as you were at the Financial Times.

Think he’s going the distance?

I do. There’s literally nothing he could do to make this Republican Congress impeach him, mainly because the GOP’s made up of the nation’s most loathsome toadies. And Trump’ll do whatever his base wants him to. In other words, I suggest you continue to keep your loins girded or… whatever it is you do to them. Liberal fantasies about conflicts of interest, corruption, recounts or any one of the myriad crimes and misdemeanors you’re pinning your hopes to are just that, fantasies. What did they make of this shambolic display back home?

Shock and disgust. The country that six months ago made that 24-carat wanker Nigel Farage’s dreams come true is now appalled that this country could make Trump temporary chief executive. Self-awareness has always been in short supply on our side of the pond.

Surprisingly, I’m not that bitter about Trump. I genuinely hope he turns out to be the worst president ever; maybe that’ll shock the system enough to usher in meaningful change. I feel sorry for some of the millions who’re going to suffer by realizing that they had a lot to lose, like food stamps, Medicaid, overtime pay, the whole shebang. But only for those who didn’t vote for it. Is that heartless?

You’re asking the wrong person mate. I’ve never had any sympathy for people who enjoy living in poverty, because Jesus… I’m not about to start now. But let’s change the subject. I’m sick of Trump. What’s been going on since I left Louisville?

More shootings. We just broke our record for homicides in a calendar year — which, on a per capita basis, probably puts us level on points with Mogadishu. Presumably, this’ll forever blot Fischer’s copybook. Nice bloke — but, when idiots have guns, they tend to shoot one another with them, no matter how nicely you ask them to stop.

Presumably, at some point the gun industry will contribute some of its ill-gotten gains to help pay for the damage its product does to society.

That may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. Ever.

I’m kidding, you plonker. Internalizing profits while externalizing costs is more American than Captain America: “We make a tidy profit and ruin the place, and you clean up our mess for us.”

Right. Asking Smith & Wesson to pay a little towards the cost of policing, emergency care and general public danger would be tantamount to socialism, and we can’t have that. Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding a bailout because there aren’t enough people left to kill.

Indeed. It’d almost be like asking the Sackler family to contribute towards the costs of our heroin epidemic, but Oxycontin prescriptions are declining — and they’re down to their last 15 billion or so, poor bastards. Externalizing is what makes the American consumer the world’s biggest mug.

Still, lots to be thankful for at Thanksgiving, right? Like being allowed back into the country in time to write this column with me?

Odd holiday, that one. Having a big, showy roast on Thanksgiving and then a slice of boiled ham at Yuletide. However, I was thankful that Louisville finally got rid of that embarrassment while I was away.

What, Petrino got the sack? How’d I miss that??

Sadly, not that embarrassment, although if it weren’t for those scrap-and-bone merchants, the Blues, I’m sure we’d be begging Charlie Strong to come back and make fools of us all over again. I was referring to the statue honouring national traitors outside our hallowed seat of learning.

Why we as a city allow people to make such a fuss about a blatant symbol of divisiveness is beyond me. Love me some First Amendment, but surely a place that claims to be a bastion of open-mindedness, compassion and acceptance needs to have some standards of civility in terms of what’s socially permissible and what isn’t. What next? A debate about whether or not we should whitewash swastikas?

Meanwhile, if it’s a historically significant building, they turn up in the dead of night and pull it down. But no, a statue of those who fought a war in favour of slavery, and we have this morally-tortured debate over what we should do with it.

That statue’ll end up a shrine — you mark my words. If Bevin hasn’t made it one and named it after himself already.