Time to contemplate the uncontemplatable. If that’s a word.
It isn’t, but that wouldn’t be the first time you’ve displayed your ignorance by strangling our mother tongue.
Think he can win?
‘Course he can. I’m no gambler, but in a two-horse race, there’s no such thing as a rank outsider. Will he? Very unlikely. Polls aren’t this wrong. I’ve been predicting a double-digit slaughter for three months.
Brave words for someone who lives in Matt Bevin’s Kentucky. As it happens, part of me thinks it won’t be such a bad thing if he does win.
And I think I know which part of you would think that. You say some stupid things, Dewson, usually once a fortnight in the pages of LEO ... but part of you thinks that putting that day-glow shitgibbon into the White House won’t be such a bad thing? You’ve lost your marbles, mate. It took hundreds of years for Rome to fall. He’ll bring this country to its knees in minutes.
Like my ancestors before the joust, I’m just making sure my armour’s on tight. I’m not saying he’ll be anything other than an unmitigated disaster, but there’s no sense in being unwilling to look for silver linings. So if he wins and, as is likely, then makes George W. Bush look like George Washington — as is also likely — every Republican who also ran is effectively out of national politics for the next dozen years. So that means Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and Paul Ryan will never be president. Silver lining No. 1.
Perhaps, but they’re finished if he loses too; and like anyone with half a brain, I’d rather have it that way. I’m just not seeing him winning it. People are pissed off — well, at least those who’re bigoted semiliterate wankers are pissed off, but that group accounts for almost enough votes to win in this state, not enough to win the country.
You’re forgetting the Brexit effect. Swathes of voters just wanting change, no matter how disastrous that change may turn out to be. They think they’ve got nothing to lose, and even if they’re in for a nasty shock on that front, nothing’ll stop them from pulling the Trump trigger next Tuesday. However, you only learn to be careful about what you wish for, if you actually get what you wish for in the first place, and if Americans don’t want to learn the easy way, they might learn the hard way. Silver lining No. 2.
Brexit effect, my arse. There’s a tenuous comparison — specifically people having no clue what they’re voting for, but who say, “Fuck it, let’s do it anyway.” But that’s where the comparison ends. Voting for Brexit was sort of an esoteric, vague ideal, not a vote for the world’s most offencive pillock. For all of Boris Johnson’s obvious and odious lust for power, I’ll credit him with being more charismatic than Trump, who has all the charisma of genital warts.
I’m pretty convinced that whoever wins is going to be a one-term president, anyway. We’ve gone eight years without a major economic shock, and we’re long overdue one. Ironically, the most likely trigger is Brexit, which I anticipate being handled with all the subtlety of Trump having an off-mic chat with Andrew Dice Clay — if he’s still alive. If anyone thinks American companies won’t be impacted by a European meltdown, then I’ve got a full scholarship to Trump University for them. Silver lining No. 3.
I’ll give you that one, although, as silver linings go, a global recession isn’t my favourite. That said, politicians claim far too much credit when the dismal science goes their way, and then get far too much shit when it doesn’t. And as much as I admire our soon-to-be lame duck, entertainer-in-chief president, the economic winds have been very much in his sails.
Believe it or not, there’s even more good news.
Been giving this a lot of thought, haven’t you. No wonder you never do a scrap of real work.
Whatever. Look, if he wins, the entire congressional Republican Party is screwed, Mitch McConnell in particular. And that’ll be just desserts for the utterly wretched display of cowardice he’s displayed over the last six months. If there’s one thing Trump appears to hate, it’s a turncoat; and if there’s one thing he appears to love, it’s revenge. McConnell won’t even utter his own party nominee’s name in public. So win or lose, McConnell’s toast. Silver lining No. 4.
And we haven’t even had time to discuss the terminal damage Trump’s done to his personal brand and business empire, both of which weren’t worth a farthing before ... and which are now worth considerably less. But I gather you’re going to miss all the fun of the fair by disappearing out the country while this whole shit-show reaches its shuddering apocalyptic climax?
Yep, heading back to Blighty for a break: missing the election. I’ll apply for asylum if Trump wins.
Buggering hell. You won’t come back? That’s a silver, gold and platinum lining. Talk about making America great again!
