In response to #AskBevinAboutMyVag campaign, Kentucky governor admits he’s never actually seen a ‘hooha’
After Gov. Matthew Griswold Bevin signed legislation forcing women to have face-to-face consultations with a doctor before having an abortion, thousands of women took to Twitter to #AskBevinAboutMyVag, since it seemed he was an expert on them.
Questions like “Hey, Matt! My flow is super heavy. Do you recommend Kotex or Tampax? Super Plus or regular? Thanks in advance!” and “If my body spontaneously aborts a pregnancy and I didn’t even know I was pregnant, will I go to hell?”
This led to an awkward news conference last week during which Gov. Griswold disclosed that he has never actually seen a vagina.
“To the women of Kentucky asking me questions about their hooha: Ewww, stop it! They’re grody, and you’re giving me nightmares,” Gov. Griswold said. “I have never actually seen one, but I have it on good authority from a very reliable source that they are scary and need to be controlled because they’re a threat to our patriarchal society.”
Bevin said his source of information on vaginas was his best friend from seventh grade, Todd Oswalt.
“Todd told me that one day in health class they showed everyone pictures of a hooha, and they were scary so I took his word for it,” Gov. Griswold said. “Thank God I missed class that day, and every day since then.”
Shortly after the news conference, Gov. Griswold retreated into the Governor’s Mansion where he placed a cardboard sign with the words “no girls allowed,” crudely drawn in crayon. He then posted several videos calling for the Legislature to “get to work” on passing some of the many other anti-vagina bills on the his agenda.
They included such measures as the “Chastity Bill,” which would shift all funding away from women’s health initiatives so the state could buy every woman a chastity belt. Gov. Griswold said such a measure would eliminate all pregnancy out of wedlock and sexually transmitted diseases.
Gov. Griswold also announced on YouTube that he would like lawmakers to pass his “Rabies Bill,” forcing women to get rabies vaccinations for their vaginas, because “I heard they have teeth, and things with teeth usually spread rabies, so it’s like, duh Kentucky! Use your brain!”
But many in the Legislature, including Rep. Mary Lou Marzian, D-34, found the governor’s proposals repulsive.
“Are you seeing this shit Kentucky? This is what happens when you don’t vote,” Marzian said. “You get governors with grade-school educations spending all of their time in a club house making YouTube videos telling you what to do.”
Marzian and other female representatives posted a sign on the state Capitol building that read: “No men with power- and control -complexes allowed.”
Many Republican representatives called the sign obstructionist propaganda since the sign prevented nearly everyone in the Republican party from entering the building. •
Prospect resident bravely erects ‘All Lives Matter’ sign
Deciding it was time to make his opinion known, Prospect resident Malcolm McCarthy, 32, valiantly erected an “All Lives Matter” sign on his perfectly manicured front yard last week.
“All lives matter” is a common retort to the Black Lives Matter movement by Americans who don’t understand power dynamics, believe amplifying marginalized voices somehow negates everyone else’s, and generally think reverse racism is a thing that actually exists.
“I don’t see race,” said McCarthy, who owns a wealth management firm and apparently is unaware of data showing African Americans are more than twice as likely to be unarmed when killed during encounters with police as are white people. “Actually, all people are the same to me, and as such, people should be treated equally, not given special treatment.”
“You hear about all these protests, but you don’t hear the silent majority. It’s time my voice is heard,” said McCarthy, a white upper-middle-class male who remains blissfully ignorant to the nuance of unequal protection among class strata.
“People try to twist this around to sound racist. I’m simply presenting the argument that no one should value one person over another,” he said, adding that he opposes welcoming to the United States any Syrian refugees seeking political asylum.
“If Martin Luther King was alive today, he too would agree that all lives matter,” McCarthy added, with absolutely no grasp that in the spectrum of American history integration is a recent fucking phenomenon.
“In our community, we treat everyone the same and welcome all,” he said with little understanding that the effects of white flight still reverberating institutionally throughout communities and their policymaking.
“I think about our founding fathers, who wrote ‘all men are created equal’. We need to look to those words more often,” said McCarthy, whose understanding of the Constitution is, at best, flimsy. At press time, McCarthy, whose inherent and socioeconomic privilege has completely shielded him from inconvenient societal truths at odds with his world-view, was seen peeling out of his driveway in the BMW Gran Coupe he secured though a loan co-signed by his father. •
Mayor Fischer to FaceTime with Gov. Bevin while sitting on toilet
Having faced a variety of challenges in his tenure, Mayor Greg Fischer has announced a no-nonsense approach to time management.
Starting immediately, Fischer will schedule all future meetings with Gov. Matt Bevin via FaceTime and while he is otherwise indisposed on the toilet.
The decision is said to have been made after an incident in September when Fischer shared a photo on Twitter of The Courier-Journal front page. The image appeared to show that he snapped the photo while sitting in a bathroom stall.
Fischer said he now believes this is the most effective use of his time, and it will allow him to give back to the community, even if it costs him the privacy previously afforded for his most intimate moments of quiet and meditation.
Sources close to Fischer said the decision to speak with Bevin while on the can is intended as a show of respect for the governor’s policies, which reflect a streamlined government devoid of freeloaders. “It would be inappropriate to say that I don’t give a shit what Bevin has to say, as I am literally doing so while speaking with him. By the grace of god you cannot transmit smell via FaceTime, as I respect the governor too much,” Fischer said.
“I am satisfied in the knowledge that we are both making the most effective use of our time in a display of understanding. If this includes taking some precious time away from playing Words With Friends while I take my daily b.m., then I know that I’m doing it to best serve my community.”
If GOP presidential candidate and reality TV cartoon Donald Trump is elected, the Mayor’s Office anticipates the need to install a web cam in the toilet for the sole purpose of communicating with him. •
Mayor Fischer designates historic ‘Vapers’ Row’
Mayor Greg Fischer cut the ribbon last week for the newly designated Vapers’ Row in the Highlands, a four-block stretch of businesses specializing in electronic cigarettes and accessories, as well as hookah bars and fine purveyors of for-tobacco-use-only culture.
“Today we celebrate a growing segment of our city, and the contribution they make to the community economically and to the air of Louisville,” Fischer said. Flanked by an assembly of business owners and media, Fischer dedicated the historic marker, proclaiming Vapers’ Row in bold Bleeding Cowboy font, emblazoned in a copper gold chisel, at 4:20 p.m.
“There are too many of me and my brothers to ignore what we’re bringing to the neighborhood, and now it’s time everyone knows” said Brad Thomas, owner of Innovape and chairman of advocacy group Keep Louisville Dank.
Thomas’ shop is one of many included in the Vapers’ Row, as well the popular Severus Vape’s Magik Potions, Myster-E-Cigs, Kloud of Turin, Candy Colored Clouds, Vape Lincoln’s Birthplace, You Hookah Me All Night Long, Make America Vape Again, iMods, Dr. Juice, Plumeingdales, Motivaporz, The Maddening Clouds, Dank Williams’ Jr. Vaporitorium, Statutory Vape, Naughty ’n Spice, Baz-Hookah Joe, Vapes of Wrath, and Damn Daniel Mods ‘n Juice.
“People think the culture surrounding alternative smoking, like vaping and hookah, is just Bob Marley tapestries and hella’ dank clouds of delicious grape-flavored goodness,” said Morris Taylor, who is known around Vapers Row as The Juice Zeus. “And sure, a lot of it is that. But we’re also a fraternity of small businesses bringing in money, and keeping that money, in our city.”
“Plus, when the ganj is finally legalized, you know we’ll have the most killer deals on buds,” Zeus added. •
Rep. Yarmuth planning hostile takeover of LEO
After 10 years in Congress, Rep. John Yarmuth is planning a hostile takeover of LEO Weekly, according to sources.
For years the congressman has been having less and less fun in Washington, and his patience appears to be wearing thin at the prospect of working with the next president, whoever she is.
The political-media drama has become all the more sensational because of the family dynamic at play with LEO’s current owner and editor, Aaron Yarmuth, the congressman’s son. Sources from within the family say that dinners are increasingly tense, as one side of the table is frustrated and angry, while the other side is having too much fun.
According to the source, who asked to remain anonymous, the elder Yarmuth is “about to lose his mind at the uncontrollable laughing coming from the rest of the family.” She continued, saying, “The seemingly endless fun being had at LEO is really making my husband regret ever leaving LEO.”
Market analysts say that, while the value of LEO is on the rise, the nature of the intra-family dealings may suggest an unfortunate outcome for current management. According to the family’s accountant, who played an integral role in both the sale of LEO by Yarmuth as well as the purchase of LEO by Yarmuth, the paper is ripe for a hostile takeover.
“Normally we could treat this as a normal acquisition/sale of a company, with a reasonable offer based on recent history and expected pro forma forecasting. Unfortunately, not to say too much about the family finances, the patriarch of the family pretty much holds all the cards in this negotiation,” he said.
Given the very public, strong father-son relationship, marked primarily by the pair’s affinity for golfing together, the news of a possible split comes as a huge surprise to those close to the situation, as well as the community at large. Some expected a possible future partnership, but the aggressive, hostile nature of this deal could spell trouble for the current executive editor.
While calls to Rep. Yarmuth’s office were not immediately returned, at the Easter Day Parade this past weekend, he was seen donning a red baseball cap that read: “Make LEO great again.” •
City ends tree-planting push in favor of giant umbrella: Yum! wins naming rights
Faced with a lack of money, will and — frankly, leadership — the city of Louisville has ended its year-long push to plant trees and reverse the heat-island effect that has placed the city in jeopardy of melting into the Ohio River.
Instead, officials have unveiled a characteristically less ambitious plan to erect a yuge umbrella over the most affluent parts of the city, which they said in a statement should be “good enough for now” and convince Courier-Journal environmental reporter James Bruggers to “leave them the fuck alone.”
“Not a chance,” Bruggers said. “I know an umbrella is not a tree. I did a series on this last year!”
Always with an eye on the budget, city officials quickly sought to offset the cost of the project by awarding naming rights to Yum! Brands to build the five-mile-wide, 20-story tall bumbershoot. “We are gratified to be part of Louisville’s admirable environmental stewardship. As the slaughterer of more chickens than probably anyone on the planet, we know something about the delicate balance of man and environment,” Yum! Col. Harlan Sanders IV said.
The decision to build the umbrella is certain to mean Louisville will continue to lose tree canopy, perhaps at an accelerated rate as the remaining trees die for lack of sun. City officials said they would make the dead trees into toothpicks to hand out to visiting dignitaries. •
Tom Jurich sets fire to Yum! Centerto appease angered NCAA gods
After it was revealed that the UofL congregation had not followed the commandments set forth by the gods of the NCAA, High Priest Tom Jurich set fire to the Yum! Center in the hopes of appeasing them.
“I had a vision! The gods spoke to me in a dream!” Jurich said. “Well actually, it’s more like a bad feeling. But I just knew that it was up to me to make amends for my congregation’s sins before the gods unleash their own punishment!”
Jurich said that lighting fire to the stadium was only the first step in “purifying” the university. He also planned on erecting a sacrificial altar made completely of dead cardinal birds.
Some, including General Rick Pitino, said Jurich is taking things too far.
“Look, I sin all the time, and the gods never did anything to me,” Pitino said. “Jurich just needs to drink some wine and take it easy. We have so much tribute [read: money] flowing through our congregation to the NCAA, we can do whatever we want.”
But Jurich is unconvinced.
“The sky is falling I tell you!” Jurich said. “The gods will set fire to the sky and rain hot acid down our throats unless we do something drastic!”
Jurich said to complete his purification process he plans to spill the blood of the innocent on his dead cardinal bird altar, meaning Trey Lewis and Damion Lee. •
Gov. Bevin visits high school on a Saturday: ‘Where are the teachers and students?’
Over the weekend Gov. Matt Bevin visited Seneca High School only to discover that the students and faculty were not present.
Not one to back down from a challenge, Bevin conscripted a member of his entourage to record on video his disdain for the laziness inherent to educators and the youth of Kentucky who would fail to be at school at a time like that. The video was uploaded to his Myspace and Friendster accounts this Monday morning and showed Bevin barely able to control his rage over do-nothing government moochers, who are wasting taxpayer money.
“Where are the teachers and young people all over Kentucky who belong in these hallowed halls?” he asked. “Hard working Kentuckians are going to work every day and putting taxes into a system designed to keep these teachers employed and to provide a safe place for children off the streets every day, and this is what our money is going to? It’s just shameful.”
According to sources, Bevin plans to routinely visit government branches to ensure that workers are complying with their basic job functions. “Schools are an obvious target for bloat, and I am committed to rooting out any and all mismanagement of government time and money,” Bevin said.
“I vow to not only take down big education, but to bust up affordable healthcare measures and Planned Parenthood to make sure that they are neither providing illegal abortions or gay marriages. I fancy myself a bit of an expert on education, healthcare, and the hooha and will fight for a smaller role of government in patrolling these things, unless I disagree with it.”
Bevin was unavailable for comment after he was told that schools are closed over the weekends. •
East End residents upset over traffic to attend cycling event
Thousands of bicycling enthusiasts gathered at Waterfront Park for the Tour de Lou, a 20-mile ride during the Kentucky Derby Festival, this weekend. But it wasn’t a casual, leisurely ride for all the participants, some of whom waited in their vehicles for over an hour to ride their bicycles.
“With so many different streets closed, it’s hard to figure out how to find the starting line,” said Natalie Van Winkle of St. Matthews, whose Subaru Forester featured two perfectly usable Specialized Ruby Sport bicycles in satin white finish strapped to the top. “And then where to park becomes a headache too.”
“The traffic is ridiculous. The city needs to do a better job of keeping the cars moving along on the roads surrounding the park,” said Travis Parker, a Crescent Hill resident who is separated from Waterfront Park by three miles of bikable roads and trails.
“We love this event, but the congestion makes us wonder if we should come back to this ride next year,” said Tim Miller, who, along with his wife, was both adorned in form-fitting Scott-branded bicycling jerseys and spandex shorts. “It shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes to get down here to do our long-distance ride.”
Mayor Greg Fischer’s office, who rolled out 40 miles of new bike lanes in the urban core since 2013, could not be reached for comment. •
China delegation cancels visit to Louisville citing bad air – here
It had been long anticipated and planned for, but a visit to Louisville by a delegation of Chinese vape industry officials has been canceled after they voiced concern about Ohio Valley swampy summer air, laden with pollen and chemicals from Rubbertown.
“We have bad air in Bejing, which requires residents to stay inside most of the year. But that is nothing like the horrible air in Louisville,” said the Chinese delegation’s spokesman, Radley Boo, of the public relations firm, Boo, Boo and Who. “They said they would rather stay inside in China and play pirated Grand Theft Auto than risk their already-scarred lungs here. I guess I agree with them.”
Mayor Greg Fischer said the city will miss having the opportunity for a high-level summit on vaping but that he — “cough, cough” — understood. “Why, I would move if I could. But I am mayor, at least for a while,” he said. “We are working to clean up the air as best we can, but that might take centuries.”
Despite efforts, CNN Money ranked Louisville ninth among the top-10 most-polluted cities. Thomas Nord, spokesman for the Louisville Metro Air Pollution Control District, said the shift from coal-powered power plants to ones fueled by bourbon should help enormously, if not make the air smell better. “A previous effort to fuel the plants with horse manure was not as successful as we would have liked,” he said. •
Local man has to take five online surveys to read own mother’s obituary on C-J website
Buechel resident Alan Schaeffer has reported he was forced to take five online surveys before he could access his mother’s obituary on courier-journal.com, the website of The Courier-Journal.
Schaeffer’s mother, who had lived in Apopka, Fla., for the past 13 years since the death of Schaeffer’s father, apparently died peacefully in her sleep. Meanwhile, Schaeffer, 46 and a Humana claims legislation consultant, cursed fruitlessly at his laptop.
“I just wanted to see the obituary [and] take a screen capture, you know?” Schaeffer said. “The next thing I know, The Courier-Journal is demanding to know how many times per week I bathe my cocker spaniel.”
Schaeffer said he half-heartedly clicked — “I think I clicked ‘five times or more,’ but who knows?” — and instead of the obituary, another survey popped up asking him how often he is likely to go jogging.
“And the choices were vague, like ‘not very often’ and ‘somewhat often,’” Schaeffer said. “What’s the difference? And the thing is, with my knee being the way it is, and the hours I spend working, I really don’t jog at all anymore. But that wasn’t even a choice. It was confusing.”
Soon, he was being grilled about how he spends his entertainment dollars on weekends and his dental hygiene habits.
“When they asked me how often I change my socks, that’s when it went too far,” Schaeffer said. “That stuff’s personal.”
At press time, Schaeffer reported a friend had emailed him a link to a Courier-Journal restaurant review, but Schaeffer was afraid to click on it. •
Bevin hires friend in coal industry for state environmental job; totally unbiased, though
Friend of coal Gov. Matt Bevin has hired ex-coal executive Dr. Barbara Blight as Energy and Environment Cabinet secretary for Kentucky. Blight, whose qualifications include several successful mountain top removal campaigns, as well as putting children to work in a mine under their elementary school, is viewed by Frankfort as an obvious choice to preserve the inherent beauty and splendor of Kentucky. Blight’s experience is matched only in her efficiency as an administrator, where she cut spending on workers wages and health insurance by a dramatic 25 percent and eliminated state mine inspectors.
Local green activists expressed concerns over the decision, claiming that Blight’s history as a coal executive presented a conflict of interest. Bevin defended Blight, saying she could remain objective despite her background. “There is no way that Dr. Blight would have anything but the absolute best intentions for environment of our great state, and we welcome her years of experience in helping shape the landscape through her uncompromising vision and corporate efficiency.
Bevin said Blight would help save the coal industry. “Our community is imperiled by a drive away from coal, and what we need now is someone who understand the industry and will work with us to generate the jobs that will keep less than .001 percent of the state’s residents receiving low wages, none of which will unfortunately retain access to healthcare after I successfully shut down Kynect. We need Dr. Blight, someone who won’t obstruct us and isn’t some stupid tree hugger anyways, someone pragmatic,” he said.
When asked about whether coal industry donations to his campaign influenced his choice to hire Blight, he said, “I’m not sure what that would have to do with anything. I mean this is totally an unbiased decision based on the needs of the community and nothing more. Dr. Blight is an environmentalist, but not some hippy social-justice warrior.”
When pressed further for questions, Bevin threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared. •
Kentucky legislators agree to 100-percent cut to education spending
The state House and Senate have passed a bill guaranteeing a 100-percent cut to all spending for education.
After a five-minute deliberation, all parties agreed that education in Kentucky was totally overrated and that only serious Bozos went to school for ciphering and letter learning.
Gov. Matt Bevin, who proposed the cut, said he would sign the bill into law immediately. Bevin said he and the lawmakers agree that “fancy folks with their big words” are “bad on Kentucky’s image” and that voters would appreciate having more time to spend with their families, “since kids will have more time at home with Ma and Pa.”
“I think you city folk think that you’re hot shit, but you’ve got to work for what you get, and we won’t have any freeloader kids coming into our schools expecting to get a handout. We demand less government and believe that to make America great again, that we all have to unite in our own self-determination and true grit to teach our children the way that God and country intended,” Bevin said. “We all know that school is a bunch of bullshit anyways, meant to soak tax payers and put money into the hands of greedy, overpaid teachers, who are probably just partying all summer anyways. This is why we must come together as a community to unite against big government.”
Sources indicate that the Republican backers to this proposal were excited by the possibility of expanding their constituency by appealing to family sensibilities and a lessening of government.
McConnell said the measure will save Kentucky money and teach resilience to youths.
“This will be good for Kentucky to cut out a lot of the government bloat that has taxed our citizens for far too long. It’s time for these kids to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and give back to the community,” McConnell said. •
Friends of coal rejoice in endless summers
Basking in the warm glow of an unseasonably warm February day, local business owners Todd and Mary Chud proudly display their Friends of Coal t-shirts and signs to show their affection for the fuel source so part and parcel to the eastern region of Kentucky.
Not only is coal adding to the climate change they love, but it is boosting their income.
The couple owns and runs a sunscreen bottling company in Boone County near Big Bone Lick State Park. Their enthusiasm for coal is second only to the endless summers and complete and utter annihilation of the environment brought about by the fuel source.
Mary Chud is optimistic that the climate will not recover.
“We can’t be sure that global warming is even a real thing. You talk to 100 scientists and sure you might hear it from 97 of them, but what about them other three? No way can you tell me that just because scientists all are saying this is true that they aren’t just being bought off by the liberal media to support some crazy conspiracy. God don’t want to take the Earth yet. My Bible tells me so.”
Todd Chud agrees.
“Hell, I don’t know about all this science rigmarole, but I love the shit out of wearing my jams in January. I think the snow is probably a liberal invention anyway to keep good, sunscreen company-owning Americans like myself oppressed by their agenda. Like I give a hot shit about some penguins or polar ducks or whatever. They think they’re all that.”
The couple plans to open a business that manufactures fake snow, as Mary Chud said that, “Christmas just ain’t the same without snow, and it says so in the Bible. But my husband Todd does love to rock his sandals all year long, so we welcome the eternal summer that coal and the good graces of the Lord bring us, but wish it to look pretty like for the birthday of Baby Jesus and Santa.” •
Local woman tired of being asked for pledges, launches GoFundYourself.com
Tired of requests for pledges to fund everything from food-truck startups to recordings by local bands, Germantown resident Tara Darby launched
GoFundYourself.com last week.
The venture is designed to educate fledgling organizations, entrepreneurs, artists, and others about how to raise funds for their new businesses or concepts without asking for financial help from others.
“Last year, I got a request from a college friend I hadn’t seen in probably eight years to pledge $100 to help him start a brewery. Rather than give him money, I gave him suggestions such as saving up money from each paycheck or getting a part-time job. That’s how Go Fund Yourself was conceived,” Darby said. “The site is basically a learning tool for people who need money for their project or start-up.”
So far she has received positive responses.
Darby said that in just the first week, web traffic for Go Fund Yourself had grown to more than 1,000 unique visitors per day, and downloads of do-it-yourself Go Fund Yourself e-books are trending upward.
She also has seen a lot of activity in the site’s comments section, such as, “Somebody had to say it!” “Go ‘Fund’ Yourself is right,” and “I can’t wait to send this link to my step-brother and his stupid new-grass band. Let them buy their own damn mandolins and overalls.”
“I’m really surprised and pleased by the response,” Darby said. “I think what I feel most proud of is that I did this on my own, so I’m a living testament that you can achieve something without asking other people for money. The next time someone sends you a GoFundMe or Kickstarter request so they can open a coffee shop or adopt a cat, just say these three words: Go Fund Yourself. I think that says it all.” •
Graffiti artists make their own ‘contribution’ to the Speed Art Museum
Louisville graffiti artists say they are baffled after the Speed Art Museum filed a criminal complaint over their “contribution” to the museum.
Local graffiti artist Classico said they were simply responding to the Speed Museum’s new motto, “It’s your Speed Art Museum,” when they tagged the building.
“Me and the crew were just visiting the museum, checking out all of the amazing art, and we felt so inspired we decided to make our own contribution to our museum,” Classico said.
Speed Art Museum spokesperson, Buzz Killington III, said that graffiti does not count as art, and that museum workers will erase it from history as soon as possible.
“It’s very simple: Graffiti can’t be taken off the wall and sold at high prices or placed on a museum tour to attract patrons,” said Killington. “So because it has no monetary value, we refuse to recognize it as a legitimate art form.”
But the Speed Art Museum said they will make a special exception for one piece spray painted on its walls, a piece they believe to be an original Banksy.
“Well, it’s a black and white stencil with red writing and a rather obvious political message so we’re fairly confident it’s a Banksy,” Killington said.
When asked what made Banksy different than other graffiti artists, Killington said: “Because.” •
Creationist Ham to open Sodom and Gomorrah fun park
Creationist Ken Ham announced plans to build a Sodom-and-Gomorrah-themed Fun Park located in Buh County, Ky., most widely known as the home of the Jesus shaped Doritos chip.
The park will explore the concepts of Sodom and Gomorrah with the goal of proving that hedonism is bogus. Visitors will be subjected to the experiences of the famed cities of sin to illustrate the downfall of vice and fun in modern culture, said Ham, president and founder of Answers in Genesis-US and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky. Upon leaving the park, visitors who look back would be turned into piles of salt.
“Our goal is to show the good folks of our great nation that Sodom and Gomorrah would’ve been a whack place to live,” Ham said. “We believe that our new park will help show the horrors of the sinful life, while promoting good, Christian fun, like believing that a magic bearded man in the sky eradicated all but two of every creature with a flood of impossible proportions, or that dinosaurs and cavemen were best buds 400 years ago. The proof is all there.”
When questioned about funding, Ham was optimistic organizers could strike another deal with the state that would allow them both tax incentives and religious freedom to wildly discriminate against anyone who doesn’t look a dirt farmer.
“It’s people like us and the great and glorious [Rowen County Clerk] Kim Davis, the living embodiment of Cracker Barrel, who have so inspired in us to continue to pursue our vision for a God-fearing America,” Ham said. “We believe it’s our God-given right to spread our views, while purposefully excluding a section of the population that probably would have already been in Sodom and Gomorrah anyways, because of their lusty lifestyles.”
Ham said he expects God to let them have it both ways. “We’re hoping that through prayer we can not only convince an omnipotent, omniscient being to bless our park both financially and with the ability to render unrepentant mortals into salt piles, but to also have the state shine its good graces on us.” •
Pitino uses March Madness to catch up on ‘Walking Dead,’ ‘Downton Abbey’
University of Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino says he maximized his enjoyment of the NCAA Tournament this year by binge-watching TV shows he previously had no time to watch.
His Cardinals team, of course, was not participating in the tournament due to a self-imposed ban by the university related to the scandal surrounding the Katina Powell tell-all book. But his position in college basketball shouldn’t mandate that he watch Wichita State or University of North Carolina-Asheville, he told reporters.
“Look,” Pitino said, “it sucks that my players are paying for something that one man did, but I have no choice but to go along with the punishment the university and athletics department has handed down. That said: What’s the harm in catching up on ‘Downton Abbey’ now that I have some free time?”
Pitino has insisted he will not look for another job after having completed his 15th season in Louisville; instead, he told reporters at his season-ending press conference he will “go balls-out” into Netflix to catch up on seasons five and six of “The Walking Dead.”
“I don’t even know if Morgan caught up with the group, and I thank you in advance for not giving me spoilers,” Pitino said. “I’m also really looking forward to seeing how much they developed Tyreese’s character in season six.”
Reports out of Pitino’s camp indicate that while he had “soured” on “Game of Thrones” during season four because there were “too many dragons,” he might as well watch that too since he’s not on the road with his team. •
Developer Gill Holland renames Portland as ‘PoHo’
The developer responsible for kick-starting the debatably successful NuLu arts and entertainment district in Louisville has named his next project “PoHo,” formerly known as Portland.
“I was gargling and spitting with some Pappy Van Winkle 23-year-old on my veranda the other night when it came to me. ‘Po’ for Portland, and ‘Ho’ for … wait for it … Holland,” developer Gill Holland said in an exclusive interview with LEO and other media outlets. “Now that this area of the city that was nameless has a name — we can begin lifting these poor people up from the blight in ways that only we rich people can achieve.”
The Louisville Amalgamated Streetwalkers Union and the Portland No Carpetbaggers Coalition quickly objected to Holland’s characterization, saying it was insulting to their respective causes.
“‘Ho’ is a trademark of our organization, and we paid a big-time New York City advertising company for our branding and do not appreciate Mr. Holland appropriating it for his commercial gain,” said Streetwalkers Union President Sally B. Spinnett.
The Carpetbaggers Coalition said in a telegram delivered to LEO that Holland and his designation should “get the fuck out of Portland on the Mercedes they rode in on.”
“We don’t need no naming here from outsiders. All y’all have ignored us for decades, and now you want to come in here with your names and your coffee shops and your galleries and your what have you. Well, no thank you!,” the coalition said.
Reached later for comment, Holland said only that he couldn’t hear what his critics are saying because “nah, nah, nah, [and] nah,” and he declined to elaborate. •
Resurfaced to take over Gnadinger Park
Adopting the less-is-more principle, Resurfaced will shift direction this year, moving away from downtown and into the heart of Germantown.
Aiming to “explore innovative strategies to activate underutilized urban spaces,” Resurfaced will take over the decidedly modest Gnadinger Park in June.
The .03-acre neighborhood park, located at the corner of Reutlinger and Ellison avenues, is slightly smaller than a typical private Germantown backyard and features two majestic benches and, according to sources, “something like two or three” old-growth trees. Gnadinger Park’s Wikipedia page claims its dedication in 1976 happened on “a bright sunny August day.”
Considered a public park, many locals have wondered if Gnadinger was an inside joke in the parks department. It’s been described by Germantownians as “absurd” and ignored on Google Maps.
But Resurfaced guru Patrick Piuma sees value in the much-maligned park. “Resurfaced has always been about rethinking shared urban spaces,” said Piuma, director of the Urban Design Studio and City Collaborative, the organizers behind the popular pop-up plaza. “Given the en-vogue nature of, say, the tiny house and micro-apartment movements that have really taken off in the past year, it made sense to us to try to reference these kind of trends and capture that lightning in a bottle.”
“This year is about thinking big, by thinking small,” Piuma said.
Taking a more vertically-oriented approach within the limited acreage, the new Resurfaced will feature a tree-house beer garden, where both girls and boys are allowed, as well as an Old 502 Winery tasting station that will recycle last year’s shipping containers. “We’ll have to flip the shipping container the other way to make it fit. So, yeah, standing up. It’ll give off a cool high ceiling effect throughout the five-person capacity room though,” he added. •
Black kids at St. Matthews mall, police declare a riot
Police say the Cinemark Mall St. Matthews movie theater was the scene of a riot last Friday after the premiere of “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.”
“We got reports of machine gun fire, and that somewhere between five and 1,000 kids were involved in a massive, gang-related brawl in the area,” said a St. Matthews Police Department spokesperson. “So we responded with the proper amount of force.”
Police deployed a fleet of armored cars, some topped with cannons, which surrounded the mall and began firing tear gas into the building. SWAT teams were also sent, and they descended through the roof of the mall from helicopters. As the smoke cleared, police estimated the damage will be in the millions of dollars, and that the mall may need to be demolished and rebuilt, and they blamed the “youth rioters.” But some St. Matthew’s residents feel the response was appropriate.
“We should have firebombed the building,” said Ethel Archibald. “I was one of the people who called 911. I saw these thugs going crazy, fighting and looting. It was chaos.”
After reviewing the security footage, LEO tracked down one, of what appears to only be five, of the so-called youth rioters to hear their side of the story.
“My friends and I just came out of the ‘Superman’ movie, and we were recreating our favorite fight scenes, just messing around, and all of the sudden people started running around screaming,” said the 12-year-old black youth. “We thought there was a terrorist attack or something so we called our moms to come pick us up.” •
New Speed Art Museum closed after inspectors find it is made of paper mache and craft paper
City inspectors evacuated the Speed Art Museum abruptly last week after determining it was made of crafting materials including paper mache and was in imminent jeopardy of collapse.
The problem surfaced during a recent rain when the hulking new addition to the original Speed began to melt.
No one was injured during the precipitous evacuation of the building, and none of the art was damaged. The art was returned to the Brown family broom closet where it had been stored during $60-million project.
“We asked for architecture as art,” said curator Renzo Palladino. “But this is not acceptable. At the very least they could have used plaster of Paris.”
An investigation has been launched by the Building Department, which missed the problem during construction.
“We never thought to test the material. It looked like concrete!” said chief Building Inspector Melvin B. Potash.
The architect, from a fancy firm in New York City, said he had used paper mache because it reflected the spirit of the art inside the museum. He said he did not consider the structural integrity of the building when he called for it to be built out of paper mache because that was not his concern.
“We hire structural engineers for that stuff,” said Rem Cooladobe, of the firm the Office of Metropolitan Architorture. •
Area teen pondering which culture to appropriate for Forecastle 2016
Brianna Davis, 18, of Louisville says she is still undecided on which cultural dress or artifact she will tastelessly appropriate for wear during this year’s Forecastle Fest.
“When I’m selecting a wardrobe, it’s important to me that it’s expressive and funky, something that really stands out,” she said. “For me, that’s looking to something maybe a little exotic, something more, ya’ know, ethnic.”
Last year, Davis chose a Vietnamese-style conical hat purchased from American Apparel, while Forecastle 2014 saw the not-particularly-thoughtful music festival enthusiast in full Native-American headdress regalia.
“People compliment my sense of style and how I can piece together a really striking ensemble,” said Davis, most likely referring only to her dip-shit friend group. “I was thinking of looking into a sari of some sort this year, if I can find the right color and fabric. It’s gotta breathe well since Forecastle is always hot AF.”
Sources close to her report that the clueless Davis has already chosen a “sexy Hoverboard” costume for Halloween later this year. •
Fourth Thorntons added to the Goldsmith Lane-Bardstown Road intersection
For the first time in Louisville, the four corners of an intersection are occupied by a single business — Thorntons gas stations.
What started as one Thorntons has slowly spread to each corner of the intersection, consuming surrounding businesses in an effort to provide the lowest prices and greatest customer experience to drivers.
The last business to resist the great Thorntons blight was the restaurant Rally’s, but it too was crushed by the mystical force of the gasoline giants.
Rally’s manager Tim Blaze said he looks forward to having more gasoline choices in the intersection, even if it means he loses his job. “It was an inevitability that we would overcome all obstacles to ensure easy access to gasoline at all possible angles for commuters, and I for one welcome the coming Thorntons singularity that our corporate overlords have wrought. Succumb to Thorntons’ low prices on snacks and beverages, and reasonable gas costs. Resistance to great savings and excellent customer service is futile” he said.
Local scientists predict that the local franchise will reach sentience by the end of 2017. “All of our calculations indicate that the convenience and friendly service, combined with affordable access to cigarettes, coffee, and Ho Hos will give birth to a new, corporate over-mind, capable of coherent thought and strategy. Once this happens we should all respect and admire the Thortons over-mind, and we bid the public to serve at its bidding,” said Dr. Kent Spaceman, a professor of Gasoline Station Science at Trump University—Louisville.
Area resident and frequent commuter Bryce Blaxton can’t wait to greet the neighborhood’s new corporate masters. “I’m all about it. I mean, why should I have to like drive across the street for something, when I could just turn in like any direction to like get my cigs, my gas, and a 12 pack of ‘Natti Lite? That just don’t make sense not to for real. I can’t be expected to like have to wait somewhere or some shit like that,” she said. •
FAKE ISSUE VIEWS
Your Voice
Wonderful story
I don’t usually write letters to the paper, but I just wanted to congratulate you at The Courier-Journal on yet another wonderful booze story on your front page. Bourbon built Louisville and has helped Kentucky so much, what with all of the bars and people drinking and whatnot. That front page story about bourbon slushies shows that you, The Courier-Journal, are really finding the pulse of the city. You’d think we are a city of souses! Good job, CJ. Keep those stories pouring. —Neil Budde
UofL Trustee Battle with President Ramsey
How dare you publish such a salacious image on your cover! No man’s naked ass should be out there for the world to see, let alone Jim Ramsey’s. Maybe if he were all Chippendales. Now don’t get me wrong. I am OK with LEO printing those nudie-stripper pictures inside. But my Lord, no more naked man butts on the cover, LEO, or I will cancel my subscription. —Ken Ham
Big four bridge renaming
I am outraged that the Metro City Council is considering renaming the Big Four Bridge as the Big Three Bridge because of budget cuts. It is time we stood up to these drown-government-in-a-bathtub Republicans who think they can keep cutting and slashing without impacts. If they want to save money, why not take away Mayor Fischer’s private jet? —Walker Peabody
on “Cannabis Freedom for Kentucky”
Uhh… Great, uhh… Great article. Uhh.. Yeah. Dude. Um…. What was I going to say? Oh yeah. Um. Puff, puff, pass, man!
—Every convenience store clerk
Hunter thompson fetish
I’ve had enough with this Gonzo Hunter Thompson fetish that all of you Louisvillians seem to be so hard up about. I mean, sure he was a great journalist in his day, but that was before the mushrooms, whiskey and who knows what else began to eat away his brain. Compare “Hell’s Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs’ to the crap he wrote for Rolling Stone. Why don’t we honor a real talent: a native-Louisville journalist, like Bob Edwards? —Bob Edwards
Anti-Apple is anti-corporation, anti-security, and anti-American
Hey editor,
You must have no idea how IT security works. Firewalls, pass codes and thumb-print ID’s, all this stuff is really technical. I bet you don’t even know how the cloud works. Americans buy Apple products strictly for the purpose of keeping their personal information private. I mean, the games, the camera, the videos and all the other cool shit is totally ham, but the security is probably the most important thing. Imagine a world where your browser history was available for your wife or children to see. Imagine a world in which people could hack into your email and send annoying spam emails to all your contacts. Imagine a world that can’t protect your gaming. What if someone can just come in to my “Clash of Clans” and totally reorganized my village? Quit messing with my Apple security.
—S. Jobs, mom’s basement, Norton Commons, KY
EDITOR’S NOTE
By Big City Metro Editor, [email protected]
A new tradition: Wasting the op/ed page to boost circulation through shameless self-promotion and cloying nostalgia
I had just turned 16 when I got a summer job in 1972 working at the Homeplace Courier-Journal in Homeplace, Ky. I was getting into the newspaper a lot, but unfortunately through reading it and not by writing actual stories with bylines or even getting photo credits.
One day while reading the paper in the newsroom — the den of the publisher’s house — I overheard the editor talking on the phone. Although I could hear only his side of the conversation, I knew he was politely turning down some invitation because he was too busy to make an appearance. Then he snorted and said something like: “Sure, he’s right here. I will put him on the phone if you want to ask him.” When I picked up the phone and heard the woman on the other end, I knew instantly the source of my editor’s mirth. The caller was organizing a pig-calling contest and wanted me to be a judge. Clearly she had no idea that I was a 16-year-old kid. And…
Oh crap. Now I am not sure why I am dredging up this nostalgic pap and writing about it on the editorial page — this sacred spot, a section of the paper traditionally reserved for the paper’s editorial voice. “Back in the day” this column was the most valuable real estate in the paper because it was from this platform the publisher and editors provided well-reasoned, intensely researched opinions in an effort to lead the community instead of shilling products and wingdings to make you buy the paper. Readers could depend on the editorial page to provide a potent voice that remained uninfluenced by the city’s power brokers and commercial interests. Not any more.
So in keeping with the new tradition…(can a tradition be new? I wish I hadn’t laid off all of the copy editors so someone could backstop me).
I will begin by saying there are big, new changes at the paper that will give you more content in a smaller package. How can that be? Like Lays potato chips: filled with air. But we also have our Facebook page. Increasingly, the way in which readers find news of interest and importance is through social media, like Facebook. And Friendster. While a front-page exposé or hard-hitting editorial… wait, we don’t do those anymore. Anyway, while those can still stir passions among many in the community, it is the widespread sharing of news and opinion through social media that brings us more readers and, you know — money. And we are all about the money because we are owned by Wall Street, not some local dip-shit.
The Gov. Matt Bevin-vagina story on the cover is a good example. It has all of the ingredients of a viral story: a dick and a vagina. All it needs is boobs, er … I mean the state Legislature … or our two senators, Obstruct-along-with-Mitch McConnell and Rand I’m-no-John-Galt Paul. So if you like that article, pass it along to your friends because clicks are Benjamins for us. Share your opinions on our Facebook page, and your views might end up in the paper, without us vetting you to make sure you are not a robot and without us paying you for your time. But that is the new tradition. Isn’t it?
Well, to close out this column, I just want to say that we hope you keep reading us because we are really, really trying. And if you don’t keep reading us, I may be the only one left here among the ads for Amish heaters and dick doctors. •
Want to have lunch with the executive editor? Enter our contest to win a seat at the table (bring your own lunch). It is open to subscribers who can plow through the pop-up ads and surveys to register.
GUEST COMMENTARY
By Mayor Greg Fischer
Citywide tolling would make the city great, not like stingy Lexington
As mayor of our wonderful, bourbon-soaked city along the muddy banks of the Ohio River, I often find myself wondering what is next for Louisville? And then I remember that charting the path to our glorious future is up to you — all of the people who voted for me and even you losers who did not.
But the future is not free, my plebeian friends. Oh no. We have to pay for it. And by we, I mean — all of you, but not me so much. There is precedent for this: You have agreed to pony up your hourly wages in the past without much squawking. The Ohio River Bridges Project is a great example! Well, actually it is the only example. You wanted to get across the river faster without having to waste your puny lives in stultifying traffic every day, so you have agreed to pay tolls to build two more bridges and untangle that ridiculous Gordian knot of roads I see all of the time when looking down from Waterfront condos. Think of this — without the tolls, you would be reading this in your car.
Now I propose that we extend tolling across Louisville so we can better afford the things we want, like a giant soccer stadium downtown, to further tie up traffic and bring in more pizza joints and Irish pubs. See what the Yum! Center has done for the downtown? More tolling would provide us enough money to install more bike lanes, to further squeeze our already sclerotic traffic arteries down to veins, reducing the flow of traffic to a drip of car by car. We could use the money raised by more tolls to put even more lights and music on the Big Four Bridge, like more Monty Python marches or perhaps some Perry Como; maybe even put another police officer there on a Segway. More tolling would allow us to supply every citizen with allergy medicine, so we don’t all feel so fucking bad from April to November. The possibilities are unlimited. We are, after all, Possibility City. But again, this costs.
So what am I proposing? For starters, let’s put on a toll on the Big Four Bridge. It is the happiest place in Louisville, but happiness must come at a cost, my friends. No more letting families and lovers stroll idly over the river without making them consider the cost of such dalliances. It would make them appreciate the fun all that much more. And we can double the toll for those pesky folks coming over from Southern Indiana. Let’s toll all of the bike lanes. We aren’t a private gym for you commuters. You should have to pay your way to good health. Let’s toll Main Street, especially during rush-hours. Main Street is a veritable parking lot anyway at those times. We might as well charge for the parking. Let’s toll the parks! Frederick Law Olmsted envisioned an emerald necklace of parks for Louisville. I am certain he did not use the word emerald lightly. It costs money to maintain these parks, so it is only right that you all should pay for it. Especially you dog users whose curs befoul the parks with their wagging tails, drooling mouths and, well — you know. Let’s toll all of the tattoo, hookah and smoke shops that are littering our fair streets. Let those iconoclasts pay for the opportunity we afford for them to keep Louisville weird.
In the end, tolling is democracy at its best and most direct. It allows you to vote with your feet and coins. If you do not use the service, you will not pay. If you use the service a lot, then you will get a better value. Which brings me to the next part: How to pay. I propose that Louisvillians could have transponders surgically implanted in their butts. Those devices would be read at the various tolling sites. You would receive a bill in the mail and a photograph of your ass, but you also would get a discount. Those without the transponder implants would pay double the fee, and rightly so. In conclusion, I want to reiterate that the future is up to all of you, but do not be stingy, because then we would be Lexington. •
FAKE ISSUE MUSIC
Budweiser Tentat State Fair to feature boss solos, feather earrings, maximum Skynyrd
Duke Spud wants to rock you. As the leader of Duke Nasty and the 420 Honeys, Spud has brought the shred to Louisville for the last 20 years, opening up for giants like Buck Cherry, Nelson and Slaughter. For years, Spud has studied under masters like Poison guitarist CC DeVille and widely respected crazy person Ted Nugent, honing his skills as a bad-ass slayer of strings, creating boss leads along the way. Now Spud promises to bring that level of seriously righteous wailing to the Bud Tent at the State Fair this year:
“I turn on the radio and I hear all this wimpy shit made by a team of computers in a lab somewhere, and I just wonder where all the real musicians are? When we landed the gig this year for a 10-hour time slot in the Bud Tent at the State Fair, I knew that I had to bring the thunder in a way that would blow our bassist’s feather earring right off, and that would call out to cougars for miles away. If you’re reading this now, know that we’re going to give you the baddest solos and most maximum Skynyrd in the history of the State Fair.”
Local hero records more than 200 concerts on iPhone
“The key is getting there early, establishing position, boxing out photographers and being able to get my phone directly in line with the singer,” says Robby S. Sutton, who has filmed more than 200 concerts on his iPhone in the past year. “It’s easy at the smaller venues, but it’s a bit more tricky at place like The Palace, where I have to leave my seat, dart up the aisle and hide from the custodians.”
“I’m 6-2, but I have a 6-7 wingspan, which comes in handy when I’m trying to get new angles,” he continues. “When shooting on a phone, it’s important to keep steady hands, but also mix things up.”
The two most common questions Sutton receives are: (1) What do you do with all of these videos? and, (2) Wouldn’t you just rather watch the show?
“About 60 percent make it to my YouTube page — those are usually when I get more than five songs,” he says. “The shorter ones hit my Facebook page. And I usually get out 10 vines per show. Length and purpose depend on the flow of the show. I’m thinking about trying to compile them into a documentary, so I can send it out to the festival circuit. And, wouldn’t you rather have something that you can watch over and over, instead of experiencing something only once. It’s just basic math, really.” •
Ticket holders will receive complimentary handgun at Kid Rock’s June show at the KFC Yum! Center
Last November, when the Louisville Arena Authority ended its total ban on firearms, giving promoters and booking agents the right to decide whether ticket holders could carry guns inside the arena, most organizations chose not to change anything, but Kid Rock saw it as an opportunity.
“There’s nothing that makes you feel more free than carrying a loaded pistol into a crowd of 15,000 where the Beam is flowing and I’m ripping through classic hits like ‘Devil Without A Cause,’ ‘Rock N Roll Jesus,’ ‘Pimp of the Nation’ and ‘Wax The Booty,’” Rock stated in a press release. “I admire the Yum! Center for their dedication to people’s right to choose whether or not to pull out a gun in a public place. You don’t see this sort of decision being made very often … this is American as fuck.”
All patrons with Kid Rock merch will be given a Colt 1911, while others will be given a caliber 9mm or smaller. Also, remember: handguns can only be concealed if you have a license, but, if not, it’s legal to open carry.
“We’ll have a handgun toast right before ‘Bawitdaba,’ which, as usual, goes out to the candid freaks, cars packed with speakers, the G’s with the 40s and the chicks with beepers,” Rock promised in the press release. •
Sen. Mitch McConnell upset over lack of protest music compilations, vows to step up villainy
A forlorn Sen. Mitch McConnell has promised to step up his villainy, sources report, after he failed to get a music compilation in his name.
Known for his years of contempt for the poor and disdain for equal rights for anyone who isn’t funding his campaign, McConnell is reportedly distraught over the news that newly elected Gov. Matt Bevin already has a protest album, “We’ve got a Bevin Problem: A Kentucky Music Compilation,” being assembled in his name.
“McConnell is just disappointed,” a source close to the senator said. “Not only has he actively worked against the best interests of the people of Kentucky, but he fights every day to block any meaningful progress on a national level. And that deserves the kind of attention that an A-level villain can bring.”
There is a possibility that the source was downplaying McConnell’s anger, as the 74-year-old politician posted this message to his Facebook page before quickly deleting it: “Jesus. Bevin has only been in office for like a week or something. If I have to punch a fucking orphan on national television, I promise you, I will do it. I mean, I’m currently talking shit about the president every day, while blocking his Supreme Court ambitions. No thanks, Obama. If I have to pass a right to work Bill that gets kids back in coal mines, so be it. They shall sing songs about me.”
LEO has asked McConnell’s camp about whether he is confused by the Internet, or if he’s attempting a more Trump-like bat-shit approach to social media to keep up with the current landscape of the GOP, but there was no response at the time of press. •
FAKE ISSUE DINING
Brains! Brains! Get ‘em at Zombie’s Evansville-style Brain Bistro
First, Buffalo wings became a thing, emerging from the snowy city’s iconic Anchor Bar to arrive as a national phenomenon in the 1980s.
A decade later, Chef Shawn Ward brought his upscale take on shrimp and grits to town, turning this simple dish of po’ folks in South Carolina’s Low Country into an entree so popular that it inspired dozens of variations.
So what’s next? What other city’s local culinary treat can we culturally appropriate?
Enter Chef Zoltan Ceausescu, a native Transylvanian. Prowling for indigenous delicacies, Ceausescu (who says “call me ‘Vlad’” with a sharp grin), found his way to Evansville’s West Side Nut Club Fall Festival last October, and fell in love with a local specialty, the deep-fried brain sandwich.
“Brains! Brains!” the Transylvanian chef shouted with delight. Somehow — with an eerie wink, he declined specifics — he acquired the top-secret recipe, and now he’s drawing crowds to his East Market Street storefront.
Service is simple — there is apparently only one employee, Vlad himself — and it is difficult to comment on the decor beyond the heavy, hand-hewn oaken tables, as the dining room is too dim to make anything out. The menu is enticing, with a dozen brain-based dishes fairly priced at $7 to $12, representing culinary traditions from Evansville and around the world.
We tried the classic Evansville sandwich, in which a slice of brain is pounded thin, like a schnitzel, then deep fried until it is crispy on the outside, spongy and squishy within. It is served sizzling hot on Wonder Bread, with mustard and ketchup available.
Other tempting delights include the NFL Brain, served with cracked nuts and a smashed cantaloupe ($8); Boxer Brain, pounded and shaken ($10); Burgoo with squirrel Brainy ($12); Bevin Brain, an empty bowl ($0), and BSE Brain for the fearless ($200), made with specially imported, no longer legal cow brain.
With a glass of Hungarian Egri Bikaver “Bull’s Blood” red wine, lunch for two was a thrifty $18. No tipping. •
Zombie’s Brain Bistro
1304 E. Market St.
Fifth Floor
MoreBrains.com
Trailblazing entrepreneur to open pizza spot on Bardstown Road
Described by colleagues as a “risk taker” and a “man with vision,” local businessman and restaurateur Neil Stamper unveiled plans earlier this week to open a pizza restaurant along the popular Bardstown Road. Giovanni’s Big Slice will renovate the space formerly inhabited by Papalinos Pizza in The Highlands and looks to open its doors in the fall.
“The Highlands is as cool and authentic as it gets,” said Stamper of the neighborhood, where the latest Mellow Mushroom pizza restaurant opened last year. “I wanted to put my own spin on pizza and leave my mark here.”
Giovanni’s Big Slice will be totally unlike any other pizza restaurant ever, using “only the freshest ingredients,” he said. “We’re all about no-frills food here — by the slice, calzones, breadsticks, and of course, cold beer,” Stamper said. He said he secured a $62,000 business loan to open his pizza restaurant on a commercial strip boasting 13 similar concepts within a three mile range.
“We want to stay open late for the bar-goers, and we plan to decorate the room to give off that New York-style energy for everyone coming in for a slice,” said Stamper, who paid a local firm $3,000 to come up with the plan for moving into the narrow space at 947 Baxter Ave., which previously housed a late night New York-style pizza restaurant.
Though Giovanni’s Big Slice borrows from the Big Apple, the restaurant aims to “embrace the fabric of the neighborhood.” “You can’t forget your sense of place, and when I think of Louisville, I think of the Derby, the fleur de lis, and of course, bourbon,” said Stamper, adding that he thinks these are original ideas for a restaurant concept.
“The chefs I’ve been working with are some of the best in the game, and we plan to really make a big splash,” Stamper added.
Giovanni’s Big Slice plans to open by Labor Day, and it will most likely close by Memorial Day. •
NuLu restaurant will feature ingredients-only menu
A new restaurant set to open in NuLu in May will serve only ingredients, requiring diners to assemble their meals themselves at their table.
Deconstructed, a venture of Chef Koozie Baylen, formerly of O’Charley’s, will feature a variety of fare, from Asian to Latin, with the concept tying the food together being the lack of any cohesion whatsoever.
“For instance,” said Baylen, “if you order our special black bean and tofu burrito, you’ll get a flour or whole wheat tortilla, a bowl of seasoned black beans, a cup of cilantro rice, some gently marinated and pan-seared tofu squares, a pile of garden-fresh mixed greens, our house-made pico de gallo, and a small container of cotija. All of it will be served on a cherry wood cutting board.”
The purpose? “I think it gives the customer more control,” Baylen said. “You prefer the rice on top? Who am I to tell you where to put it? You can build the burrito your way, or you can eat the ingredients separately — I simply prepare the ingredients, and you get to do the rest. I think it’s an exciting concept, and I can’t wait to roll it out. This kind of thing is happening in California already.”
Strangely, Yelp! reviews have already started to come in, as the Deconstructed listing on the website posted early this week. So far, reactions have been mixed.
“Dumbest concept I’ve ever heard of,” wrote user George D.
“Why should I have to make my own burrito?” added Yelper Donna C. “This is why I go out to eat — so I DON’T have to cook.”
Others are more enthusiastic. “Do I get to butcher my own hog, too? LOL,” asked one user.
Baylen is particularly proud of her sandwich options, from Reuben ingredients to a tray of to make an authentic Cuban.
“You haven’t truly had a sandwich until you’ve eaten the bread separately from the meat,” she said. “These distinctive flavors enjoyed in their own context? It’s mind-blowing.”
At press time, Baylen was trying to figure out a way to have diners grow their own parsley. •
Louisville dining trends in 2050 … what a long, strange trip it has been
It is 2050, midway through the 21st century, and we think it is fair to say that Louisville is in a golden age of fine dining. Let’s look back at some of the key dining trends that brought us from that storied time to our current state, wherein it seems we’ve gone about as far as we can go.
- The verticalization of Nulu — Our grandparents in the ‘10s, who revived the ancient storefronts along East Market Street, set off such a hip trend that space soon ran short, even as demand continued. Led by old-school investors like Gill Holland I, canny investors soon invented a practical solution: Go up, young man. One after another, every old NuLu building soon sprouted a LEED-certified vertical addition, rising four, five, and even 10 stories or more, all filled with restaurants, turning East Market into the vertical canyon of food that we know and love today. Let 1,000 eateries bloom!
- By their fruits you shall know them — Early in the century, diners began calling for attention with ingredient-related requests, some medical in nature and others preferential. Menus sprouted with gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, organic, locavore, pescatarian, vegetarian, and even vegan, oh, my. In recent years, though, all these options were eclipsed by the ultimate preference: fruitarianism. A step beyond vegan, this growing movement shuns not only animal products but any edible vegetable whose harvest harms the plant. We now know that carrots scream when you pluck them from the ground? Apples, peaches, pears and plums; tomatoes, peppers, even wheat grains are A-OK. True believers prefer them served raw.
- Concierge pizza — The continued boom in pizzerias has kicked off a boom in concierge pizza. Tired of the madding crowd? It’s as easy as calling for an Uber ride to summon your own concierge pizzaolo, portable oven in tow and packing plenty of genuine Italian Tipo 00 hard-wheat flour, ready to prepare artisanal pies in your home. •
Vegan chooses to dine at Mussel & Burger Bar, complains anyway
Local diner Lucinda Moncrief, who went vegan during the summer of 2013 because eating meat is murder, last week inexplicably decided to dine at Mussel & Burger Bar.
“I can’t believe this place serves so much meat,” Moncrief told reporters moments after she gave the owner a piece of her mind and then stormed out. “If I want to eat bacon made from banana leaves, I should be able to. That is my right as a practicing vegan. And these people are trying to force a cow down my throat.”
Another diner who witnessed Moncrief’s outrage described the scene for LEO: “I heard a woman gasp. I looked over, and this woman with sort of turquoise hair was shaking her head and looking at the menu. Her friend looked pretty embarrassed, and I kind of understand why. I heard [Moncrief] say, ‘I am not going to stand for this,’ and that’s when all hell broke loose.”
Eyewitnesses said that Moncrief stomped over to the hostess station and demanded to see an owner or manager. The restaurant’s manager, who identified herself to LEO only as Christina, said Moncrief then launched into a 10-minute tirade about how horrible it is to eat defenseless animals.
Christina told LEO that at one point Moncrief spat, “Don’t you think shellfish have feelings?”
“The thing is,” Christina said, “I’m pretty sure most scientists actually believe they don’t, so I was at a loss on that one.”
Christina said that during the outburst, the chef came out and repeatedly tried to offer Moncrief a plain tossed salad or some house French fries, but “then she went on a rant about the evils of duck fat. I knew there was no winning.”
Asked by a reporter why she didn’t just go to a vegan restaurant, Moncrief abruptly ended her press conference. She was last seen in the Mussel and Burger Bar parking lot, softly weeping in her 2014 Toyota Prius. •
FAKE ISSUE STAFF PICKS
- Friday, April 1
Louisville Orchestra: Latest Collaboration
Fred Manley’s shower
St. Matthews
louisvilleorchestra.org
Free with bar of soap; 7 a.m.
Louisville Orchestra conductor Teddy Abrams has been nothing if not revitalizing for the city’s orchestra, and part of that has been his willingness to take part in a number of unusual collaborations. Abrams’ latest is with Fred Manley, who will hum in the shower of his St. Matthews house while the orchestra accompanies him. Manley will then get dressed and go to work; he is a dentist. Manley said he and Abrams are still developing the morning’s play list, but he expects to run through a series of show tunes, including his favorite, “Send in the Clowns.” The logistics alone of getting the orchestra into Manley’s bathroom are enough reason to take in this performance. But hurry: Seating is limited!
- Friday, April 1
UofL President James Ramsey Battle Royale
Yum! Center
trusteeskillingeachothersowedonothaveto.com
$5,000; 8 p.m.
If you are tired of all of the bickering in print between the University of Louisville trustees over the future of President James Ramsey, then get ready to rumble! Ramsey is throwing a Battle Royale in which the trustees and former trustees are given a choice of weapons — battle axes, spears, chainsaws, whips and loofahs — and then thrown into the ring to battle it out. The last two standing will get a special cage match with Gov. Matt Bevin officiating. Our money is on Steve Wilson, who knows how to handle a whip from his horse-cart racing hobby. Or Bob Hughes, who, we suspect, as a doctor can wield a mean tongue depressor. The winner will get to decide whether Ramsey is banished from the island.
- Friday, April 1
Dustin Staggers Opens and Closes 50th Restaurant
Concept —The Concept
evenablindsquirrelfindsanuteventually.com
Free but bring your own food; times vary
Wildly prolific and peripatetic restaurateur Dustin Staggers has announced a milestone: He is opening and closing his 50th restaurant. The brash young chef told LEO in a recent interview: ““[Local chef and entrepreneur] Fernando [Martinez] told me this: After you open your first restaurant, and you know how to market yourself and your food is good … you’re going to have to say ‘no’ to shit all the time.” Well, apparently he has had difficulty saying “No.” So come help him and his staff celebrate the opening and closing of their 50th restaurant — all on the same day, at the same place. The latest to open and close — the first of his to do so in a day — is Concept — The Concept, a restaurant that has absolutely no concept. “It’s so crazy to think that a year and a half ago nobody even knew who I was,” he told LEO. - Friday, April 1
Giant Monster Brawl of Destruction!
Kaiju (Bar)
kaijubar.com
Cost: life and limb
Time: ‘Til the last Kaiju is standing
Kaiju (bar) challenges everyone to the ultimate giant monster brawl! Inspired by “Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters” and “Godzilla: Final Wars,” Kaiju is hosting its very own fight-to-the-death, complete with miniature cities and armies for you to lay waste to. Patrons are encouraged to cosplay as their favorite Kaiju, and come beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. Contestants who defeat at least two other opponents will be allowed to enter the Boss Zone, where the employees of Kaiju will be operating a giant King Ghidorah puppet complete with fully functioning laser mouths. Should you defeat King Ghidorah, your prize will be free drinks for a year and a sweet title belt! - Friday, April 1
LEO haters up-in-smoke party
The Frankfort Avenue ass-hat who steals LEO
impassiveaggressivebecausemylifeisafailure.com
Free entry with stack of LEOs as soon as the delivery guy is gone
You know that cheap-ass rag of a newspaper that’s been staining the moral sheets of this community for over 25 years? Well join us this Wednesday morning as we give them a piece of our mind. We’re cleaning up Louisville’s streets by burning the LEO! They may be hot of the press, but they’ll be even hotter as they go up in one big, billowing smoke cloud of irony, as we celebrate the Judeo-Christian values this country was founded on, by pissing on the First Amendment. This country was founded on Christian values, and we’re making this country great again by burning this city’s free-media print publication, and we may burn a few books along with it. We’re thinking the ‘Da Vinci Code’ and Caitlyn Jenner memoir. - Friday, April 1
Halfway to Heston NRA pre-convention party
Yum! Center
YugeGunSmallDick.com
9 a.m. to when the ammo runs out; free with gun; $2,000 without
This May, after the horses run for the roses, Louisville will host America’s second-greatest American tradition: the 2016 NRA National Convention! But you don’t have to wait until May to celebrate your Second-Amendment excitement. Don’t let the Second-Amendment haters scare you away from exercising your constitutional right to compensate for that small penis: Strap on your nine and show off your strength at the NRA pre-convention party this Saturday! Bring your family for a fully-loaded day of fun and responsible gun games; test your strength trying to pry the gun away from Charlton Heston’s cold dead hands; confront suspicious passersby; or watch your 2-year-old fire his or her first fully-automatic firearm! - Friday, April 1
Ongoing St. Patrick’s Day party
In an alley behind Baxter Avenue
Cost: Your dignity
Time: All day, All night, All year
St. Patrick’s Day may have been on March 17, but the real party animals are still out there in an alley behind O’Shea’s keeping the dream alive! Sure, they’re starting to stink, and yes a few of them have graduated to the harder stuff in their pursuit of happiness. But fuck it: It’s the month of St. Patrick, and everyone knows he was a sloppy lush, so honor him by getting blackout drunk in an alley with some strangers who are just as depressed as you are. Enjoy! - Friday, April 1Totally Legit Shoe Swap
At some abandoned Wal-Mart
187 Get Jacked Lane
Cost: A pair of Aqua 8’s
Time: Midnight
DatBootyDoe69 hit you up on the Kentucky/Indiana Sneaker Society Facebook Page and said he’s got a totally legit pair Yeezys that are your size and everything. He’s willing to swap them with you for that pair of Aqua 8 Jordans your cousin gave you that don’t even fit right. Yeah, it’s kinda’ sketchy that he only has one profile picture, and it’s of Wiz Khalifa. And it’s also sketchy AF that he wants to meet up with you in the parking lot of some abandoned Wal-Mart. But the only question you should be asking yourself right now is what outfit will you rock with your new pair of Yeezys!