Have a cigar 
(Mr. Label addresses his staff)

Team, I think this music thing is catching on. The kids seem to love it. It’s connecting with the upper demo, and the 18-24 market is really hip to the undercurrent and discovery. Men, anyway. Jimmy Iovine says that women are having trouble finding new music. I’m sure we’ll adjust our marketing and promotion to fix the situation immediately. I know it’s a little confusing being that the two biggest product movers of the past five years, Adele and Taylor Swift, have been women and their core audience leans women as the majority. I know, I know, you could even reason that it’s been female audiences and artists who have kept us all alive, like some direct metaphor to life itself, but Jimmy’s the boss and we’ve never doubted him.

Now I know there has been some grumbling as to why we have to direct-market to specific sexes at all when good music is good music, but we’re not in the business of good music. We’re in the business of sales, and it’s done so well for us up to this point, we might as well keep going. Sure, we could concentrate more on hand-selecting artists based on their actual musicianship, building their careers instead of shoving them into the spotlight at first opportunity, having them do some time getting their stage presence together, but today’s market doesn’t want that, do they? Just give them tomorrow’s hit until it becomes yesterday’s hit and then we’ll start over with someone else. Invest in one artist at a time? What a lousy recommendation. Those of you who suggested that: You’re fired. But do pick up one of our shirts and bobble heads on the way out and tell all your friends to watch our Christmas special. It’s going to be real special. I mean, it’s going to be like all the ones we’ve ever done before without a hint of new thought or creativity … but real, real special.

Let’s also remember that it’s Thanksgiving and be thankful for Black Friday. We’ve gone to extra-mediocre lengths to repackage everything we put out the last year. You’ll notice all of the deluxe, expanded, one-year anniversary and pink-for-breast-cancer-awareness editions that are on your release sheets. Oh, no, no need to fret on the pink ones. It’s only for awareness. We still keep the profits.

Next on the list of concerns, a few of our more problematic entertainers. The line we’ll be using is “vocal rest” on the top three, exhaustion on the next two, and that last one we’ll have to get creative with. What’s that Janene? For those of you who didn’t catch it, Janene says that people wouldn’t care too much if we just told the truth, that some of their audience would even relate. Janene dear, would you understand if I just said the words “bobble head”? OK, go on now, before we’re uncomfortable. And smile, why don’t ya? You look so much prettier when you do.

On the subject of the streaming services thing, there’s no need for any of you to worry about that either. I know the musicians are upset at the rate they’re getting, but that’s going to have to be their problem. We’ve got our own deal in place with the companies, so you’ll all be getting paid just the same. They can always make it up in T-shirt sales, right? Honestly, I really don’t understand what all the animosity is about. They should feel grateful anyone’s listening at all!

Listen, it’s going to be a great fourth quarter. As long as we dot our i’s and cross our t’s, don’t allow any q’s and force feed the generic a’s, we’ll all be sitting pretty by January. Or at least I will. Oh, and make sure the listeners sign those user agreements. Our research says that nearly 100 percent won’t read it, so we should be fine.  What’s that Tony?  What does it say? How the hell should I know? Jimbo says it’s kosher and that’s all that matters. Alright, let’s get out there and do it!  And remember, you can throw as much money at the wall as you need to make it a hit! I believe that Gandhi said that, right? Something like that anyway. Alright, now let’s all join hands and pray. Please Lord, make Adele’s new record sell as much as we’re counting on it to. She’s our only hope right now, and my kid’s bugging me for that new car. We don’t care that she’s on another label. We just care about the bottom line. OK, everyone, go get ’em!

Kyle Meredith is the music director of WFPK and host of the nationally syndicated “The Weekly Feed.” Hunting bears was never his strong point.