Staffpicks

<‘merica>
Enjoy Religious Freedom
Indiana
Anytime
Looking to exercise some religious freedom this weekend? Look no farther than the Hoosier state, wherein the governor recently signed into law the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Just pack a lunch, load the family (even pets!) into the car, and drive across the river – doesn’t matter if you’re Catholic or protestant, you can feel the complete lack of religious oppression wash over you. In Indiana, you see, no one can force you to do unspeakable things like offer gay people the same courtesies and privileges enjoyed by “normal” people such as yourself (you know, if it goes against your religious beliefs). Because in Indiana, model Christians such as yourselves have rights; you aren’t one of those so-called “Christians” who do nothing but sit back, treat others equally and worship privately, bothering no one in your quest for peace and humanity. Good for you for exercising your God-given rights, and enjoy your stay in Indiana.

<you-time>
Sit in 
Effing Traffic
Downtown
All Goddamn Morning
It’s time to go to work, and you work downtown. So, do you get up at 5 a.m. and go in early to beat the awful traffic caused by the bridge construction and face all the traffic patterns that change without any warning whatsoever? Or do you hit snooze a few extra times to go in late, hoping against all odds that some of this shit will clear by 9:15 or so? It doesn’t matter. You’re going to sit in fucking traffic all goddamn morning, trapped inside a 2,000-pound glass and metal cage, so you might as well just make the best of it. Hey, at least you can play on your phone and listen to music, or maybe call your mom, while you’re sitting there for-fucking-ever. Good thing you bought a large coffee instead of a medium, because shit, that’s the only thing that’s going to get you through this.

<bad-assery>
Pappy Van Winkle Bare-Knuckle Boxing Tourney
Under the 2nd Street Bridge
When the sun goes down
fightforpappy.org
“They’re already figuratively fighting for it; why not have them literally fight for it?” Buffalo Trace’s public relations manager says about this Saturday’s Pappy Van Winkle Bare-Knuckle Boxing Tourney. “With the rise in popularity in both the UFC and in bourbon, it only makes sense to combine the two, allowing both industries to grow together.” In this double-elimination slugfest, three area bad-ass mother fuckers will walk away with bottles of Pappy — 1st Place: Family Reserve 23 year, 2nd Place: Family Reserve 20 year, 3rd Place: Family Reserve: 15 year. (The fighter with the highest medical bill will also qualify for a bottle of Benchmark *Restrictions Apply*). So, if you like good liquor drinks more than your neighbor’s orbital bone, come down to the bridge and beat someone’s head bloody.

<jacking-it>
April 4 – Sept 5
Shepherdsville Good Olde Fashioned Outdoor Masturbation Days
Throughout Bullitt County
Free
It’s once again outdoor jackin’-off season in Bullitt County and the natives are restless. After a long, cold winter of strictly indoor masturbation, Bullitt County residents are itching to get off the toilet seat, go outside and wax nostalgic like their forefathers and foremothers used to do. The Shepherdsville Good Olde Fashioned Outdoor Masturbation Days officially kicks off this Saturday and runs through Labor Day Weekend. With special weekend events all spring and summer, there’s sure to be something that appeals to your whole family, whether your personal style is choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, jerkin’ the gerkin or gently melting clarified butter on the whisker biscuit. Come one, come all (but do watch where you step).

<holy-roller>
Saturday, April 4
St. Martin of Tours
Communion Wafer Truck
Outside Nachbar
969 Charles St.
Free, but collection plate will be passed
9 p.m. – 3 a.m.
Planning on a Mass-blasting hangover this Sunday? Why not go ahead and eat your Jesus cracker on Saturday night? St. Martin of Tours Catholic Church is christening its brand new Communion Wafer Truck this Saturday night at Nachbar. The event will include three priests serving communion, offering advice on beer-pairings — try a whole-wheat wafer with a Belgian tripel for a totally holy-sacrament taste treat — and tips to stay out of hell. Besides the Holy Eucharist, there will be blessings, hourly raffles, bingo and tortured explanations about why it’s totally cool to BE gay, just not cool to DO gay stuff. To find out when the Communion Wafer Truck will appear in your neighborhood, check out www.holyroller.com.

<chili sauce>
All damn week
Morris Day and The Time
Louisville Palace Shows at 3 p.m., 5 p.m., 7 p.m., 9 p.m., 11 p.m. every day
After seeing his former bandmate, onscreen nemesis and possibly real rival (I mean, it’s hard to tell with these sort of things) Prince played four shows in two nights at the Louisville Palace, Morris Day is bringing The Time to Louisville for a weeklong run of five shows per day. “Ain’t nobody bad like me,” Day said when reached by phone, with faint sounds of “The Bird” playing in the background. *starts singing along* “AMERICA. HAVE YOU HEARD? THERE’S A BRAND NEW DANCE AND IT’S CALLED THE BIRD…There’s a little sneak peak for you. They say the balcony of that theater shook during those Prince shows; we’re gonna bring it down to the ground. Chili sauce.”

<business>
Every Friday
Fantasize About Your Co-worker
Staff Meeting, Conference Room
Josh seems to wear the same pair of khakis every Friday; they’re more tan than the Monday ones, and his supple ass fills them out nicely, especially with that off-white button-down. This guy makes business casual look GOOD. Today’s the day. He finally sits down next to you, and shoots you a glance with those raven-black eyes. It’s fleeting, but it’s the one you’ve waited for. The one. His enormous right hand rests on his thigh now, but you see it begin to shift your way. He’s making small talk with Penny, the HR manager, about the new insurance policies, but his hand is now creeping toward your knee. Cue the 1970s funk music, baby, because it’s about to be ON this time. A chill hits you like a mountain of – “Any questions? I want to hear your ideas on Monday,” the CEO says. “The Q01 numbers just aren’t where we need them. Have a good weekend, everybody. I hope next week’s meeting is more positive.” Aw, shit.

<get’n juggy>
This Weekend
Gathering of the Jugheads
Bob Evans
Preston Highway
DownONTheFarm.com
$75; Free Banana Bread
w/cost of admission
Archie Comics fans are a diehard bunch of rowdy hellraisers that know how to party. This weekend puts that to the test for the first annual Gathering of the Jugheads, with area super-fans set to celebrate the Jughead Jones lifestyle. Hosted at the Preston Highway Bob Evans, the Gathering of the Jugheads is a once in a lifetime event dedicated to pulling righteous pranks and eating all the pizza. Other events include the Jughead look-a-like contest, where cosplayers are encouraged to dress up like their favorite era of Jughead, like with that rascally hat and that sweater with the S, which is mysterious because Jughead is too much of a wild card to reveal what that’s about; like Jughead cares about your curiosity. Give in to your inner Jughead this weekend and get loose.