Next month, Apple will begin selling its new Watch, which will bring to users’ wrists what they already have on their computers, tablets and phones. The company believes this exciting new technology will make it easier than ever to browse Etsy while having sex. Apple also considers the Watch to be an important milestone in its quest to turn all of our rich people into sophisticated cyborgs who accidentally kill themselves by walking into traffic.
The Watch will be available in stainless steel and anodized aluminum models for the casually rich or, for the obscenely rich, there’s an 18-karat gold model with a sapphire crystal, costing $10,000-$17,000 depending on whether you go for the optional platinum retractable coke spoon. In the wake of Apple’s audacity, many local companies are launching products to take advantage of the soaring lack of shame among the 1 percent. Here is a look at some upcoming products from Louisville companies:
Hillerich & Bradsby has announced it will begin selling the new PowerBilt Opulence SmartGolf Putter, made of 14-karat gold with a pavé diamond inlay spelling out a custom message of the buyer’s preference, such as “Skrilla” or “Release the Hounds.” The putter will include smart-golf technology, which will analyze the user’s swing and offer helpful advice on when to dump risky derivatives or how to convince your state legislature to divert funds from elementary schools to tax breaks on unearned income. The putter will also sync with LinkedIn and send an alert if someone earning less than $450,000 is trying to reserve a table in your club’s dining room. The Opulence SmartGolf Putter will be available in June and will cost $55,000-$65,000, depending upon whether you pop for the optional 14-karat “Herbie” USB vaporizer.
This fall, Brown-Forman will begin distilling a premium small batch bourbon called Woodford Reserve Saffron & Cocaine SmartBourbon. The bourbon will be spiced with saffron crocus stigmas from Iran, which have been “lovingly smuggled over Mount Damavand and across the Caspian Sea by Azerbaijani slaves and mixed with pure Sri Lankan cocaine biosynthesized by virgin chemists.” The resulting flavor is “spicy sweet notes of marzipan and honey that may inspire the drinker to finance an impromptu chartered-jet getaway to a Hong Kong brothel by laying off hundreds of workers.” Smart liquid technology will send blood alcohol data to the drinker’s watch and automatically transfer bribes to a designated account in case of arrest or kidnapping. A 750-mL bottle of Woodford Reserve Saffron & Cocaine SmartBourbon is expected to sell for $30,000.
In May, KFC will launch a new sandwich, the KFC White Truffle and Caviar Smart Double Down. White truffles harvested from the mountain forests of Gran Sasso d’Italia by trained pigs driven to madness with boar pheromone saliva are delicately combined with wild spoonbill paddlefish roe from off-the-grid lakes in Kentucky’s Jackson Purchase region and wrapped around bacon, Monterey jack and the Colonel’s secret sauce. Smart accelerators in the secret sauce sync with an included Fitbit to report the diner’s heart rate, low-density lipoproteins, triglycerides and a list of members of Congress who are willing to vote to eliminate the inheritance tax. Paired with potato wedges and a Mountain Dew, the White Truffle and Caviar Smart Double Down will set you back $9,500.
In October, UPS will begin offering its SmartBox shipping container, made from titanium, reinforced with rhino horn and lined with Russian sable fur. The box is available in a variety of sizes and is suitable for shipping your most prized possessions, from the Vermeer your goons stole from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum to the collection of shrunken heads you brought back from the Congo after reading “Heart of Darkness.” Best of all, the SmartBox packs itself, ships itself and unpacks itself at the end of its journey. The plush, sable interior also offers streaming Netflix in the event you need to ship yourself inside the box and a live Bloomberg feed so you can keep tabs on your portfolio and arm yourself with specious but plausible arguments to convince lawmakers to deregulate banking. The SmartBox includes a webcam that syncs with a companion drone to keep continuous track of the box’s interior and exterior at all times during its journey (but the interior camera can be temporarily turned off if you need some me-time with the SmartBox’s optional concubine). The UPS SmartBox ranges in price from $12,000 for the most basic model to $275,000 for the top model, which includes cup holders. •