2015: the year in preview

Thanks to the sweet new Oculus Rift I got for Christmas and Apple’s new Quantum Mechanics app, I have been able to explore the future and I can now divulge what to expect in 2015. But first, let’s take a quick look at how my 2014 predictions turned out.

Owing to a glitch in Google Street View’s Higgs Boson plug-in, some of my 2014 predictions were wrong. For example, I predicted that Alison Lundergan Grimes would become our next senator when in fact we will be experiencing six more years of corruption, obstruction, eco-destruction, lies, corporate welfare, mole whacking and rimracking.

Similarly, my predictions that the Courier-Journal would hire the Snow Fox away from WDRB proved untrue. And my forecast that Rep. John Yarmuth would suffer a head injury at the Schnitzelburg Dainty Contest and join the NRA proved inaccurate, as did my prediction that Pope Francis would offer free Netflix to lapsed Catholics who return to the Church.

Also my prediction that Greg Fisher would accidentally sign Louisville up for dietary fiber (while attempting to sign up for Google Fiber) did not come to pass. So, chastened and somewhat constipated, we slouch toward 2015. But with my technology upgrade, I’m confident that the following stuff will all definitely, probably happen this year:

Solar flares caused by a geomagnetic storm will destroy Facebook’s servers in the Arctic Circle, blocking access to photos of the world’s bacon doughnuts, beer-pong tournaments and casually racist micro-aggression memes. The ensuing panic will lead to massive demonstrations in the streets, which will lead to the world’s largest street party when people realize that actual physical interaction is way more fun than Facebook.

Taking advantage of plummeting fuel prices, Uber will buy TARC, making it possible for riders to order a bus from wherever they are. In a fundraising publicity stunt, Ken Ham will stage a YouTube debate with Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Hosseini Khamenei but the debate will flop when it turns out the two men really don’t disagree on much.

A cyber-attack on Walgreens and CVS will reveal to the public which prescription drugs we are all taking. There is a major public outcry over the disclosure but new drugs are quickly made available to calm us all down, after which we learn to appreciate knowing in advance which meds our friends, family and co-workers are under the influence of.

Rep Leslie Combs (D-Pikeville) will accidentally shoot her desk, chair, stapler, tape dispenser, lamp and printer with a Ruger semi-automatic handgun. A ricochet will nick the trigger on her backup Ruger, which will blast her primary Ruger out of her hands, finally putting an end to the carnage.

The Louisville Zoo will stop selling beer after three ferrets and a naked mole rat sneak into a cooler, get drunk and have a heated argument about whether West Sixth or BBC has the more floral pale ale. YouTube will deliver a crowd-sourced, designer, psychoactive drug via mobile-device nosebuds that will make cat videos more adorable than ever.

After an unfortunate dalliance with a hair straightener, Rand Paul will flip his positions on the issues, infuriating voters across the political spectrum. His poll numbers soar.

As part of its 55,000 Degrees campaign, Louisville will pass a law requiring citizens to stop asking, “Where did you go to high school?” and start asking, “Where did you go to college?” In Frankfort, Republicans will cut all funding to education and issue a proclamation advising public schools to sign up for DonorsChoose.Org or Kiva.

The Apple Watch will become a major flop when users discover it doesn’t keep accurate time. Drone-camera YouTube videos of the Bambi Walk will become a surprise sensation.

With marijuana legal or decriminalized in all but a few states, Krispy Kreme and Yum! Brands stocks will soar. Unfortunately, so will health complications due to obesity, which cause a drastic rise in consumption of medical marijuana.

In a televised debate, Hal Heiner’s eyebrows will storm off the set during a heated exchange about immigration. His poll numbers soar. An anonymous hacker will hijack users’ own computer cameras to snap photos of everyone in America and upload them to the cloud but they turn out mostly to just be people picking their noses.

Thanks to graphene or perhaps Facebook or maybe Eli Lilly or a new puppy or Tantra, the prediction models all show that you are going to have a very happy new year.