Today, Mayor Greg Fischer made a major announcement on the steps of City Hall: River Road will now be one big bike lane. 

In a press conference, Fischer explained, “We have been exploring a number of ways in which we could make our community more bike friendly. This includes an exhaustive two-year study by the League of American Bicyclists, IBM and the University of Louisville. And I am here today to tell you that the results are conclusive: River Road is one big bike lane.”

Bicycle enthusiasts are celebrating a tremendous victory after years of lobbying for expanded bike lanes. 

Jean Greg of Prospect was overjoyed. She says, “For years we have been tormented by the fear of automobiles, aggressive drivers and people texting while driving. Plus, SUVs and trucks are just too big to be sharing a lane with innocent, vulnerable bicyclists. Something had to be done. We thank and commend the mayor for having the courage to stand up for a group of citizens who just wanted to bike in peace, free from fear.”

Others in the community do not share in the excitement of the biking community. Most cited the possible increase in commute times, while others lament the fact that they’ll never be able to look at the river while driving 20 miles per hour in a 45 speed zone ever again. 

“I recognize the dangers of five, 10, 20 bikers sharing a lane with cars, sometimes riding three across on both sides, while cars are driving around and through them,” says Jay Kirke of Crescent Hill. “But this country was built on roads, and cars drive on roads. This decision is entirely un-American. It reeks of socialism.” Kirke did blame Obamacare, but his comments were too incoherent to transcribe.