Pretty soon, maybe in a couple of months, it’s going to be time to start thinking about the U.S. Senate race between Sen. Mitch McConnell and his challenger, Alison Lundergan Grimes. If you’ve been following my advice, you’re ignoring the race completely, including this column, which is about the campaign.
It’s an easy race to ignore, despite being one of the most expensive campaigns in U.S. history. Thanks to modern technology, it’s easy to click, tap, surf, swipe, dial or otherwise X out of any of the reported $100 million in advertising the campaigns are buying. But the money is well spent, because it is a windfall to local TV stations, who desperately need cash to buy the latest terror graphics and designer fashions for their super-sexy HD weatherpersons.
Another helpful factor is that 99 percent of voters have made up their minds. Most voters either hate Sen. McConnell or his opponent, President Obama. But it may eventually become irresistible to follow the race, because the tiny population of undecided voters could ultimately determine the outcome of the first truly competitive race Sen. McConnell has had to fight in his 97-year Senate career.
McConnell might have once actually intended to help Kentuckians, but nowadays, he is like a philandering spouse, coming home every six years or so to raise a ruckus and smooth-talk his misdeeds and make empty promises and throw a few dollars onto the table, and say, “Baby, you know I love you,” only to disappear back into the Washington night, where he carouses with his cronies, consolidates his power, fattens his wallet and comes up with inspirational material for the writers of the popular Netflix drama “House of Cards.”
President Obama, on the other hand, is trying to take away not only our guns but also our bullets and quite possibly our triggers and crosshairs, so you can see why people don’t like Grimes. Also, McConnell supported TARP, which is what many Kentuckians use to keep RAIN out of CAR, so voters are understandably confused.
With 49.5 percent of voters vehemently opposed to McConnell and 49.5 percent of voters vehemently willing to hold their noses and put up with McConnell if it will hurt Obama’s feelings, that leaves just 1 percent of voters to determine whether America faces a future of mandatory recreational homosexuality or one of austere fiscal global warfare. And so, like most Kentuckians, the whole country is not really paying much attention because, after all, we have celebrities to electronically stalk.
But if we do start paying attention, which I hope we won’t do until the last second, we should give some serious attention to Alison Lundergan Grimes, and not just because one of her names sounds like it has “gun” in it. She seems smart, she seems enthusiastic and, God help her, she seems to truly want the job. Voting for Grimes seems like a pretty awesome twofer: We could send a talented, energetic woman to the Senate and remove a senator with a long track record of serving only one Kentuckian.
Of course, merely being a woman does not guarantee Grimes would make a good senator. Politicians like Margaret Thatcher, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman are proof that women can be every bit as treacherous, mean-spirited and self-serving as Mitch McConnell. But if the Senate were 50 percent female instead of 80 percent male, the United States of America would probably be a lot more compassionate and a lot less constipated.
A vote for Grimes could make a statement that compromise is possible, that money is not free speech, that government can positively affect change, that opposing everything is not viable policy and that women have full rights as human beings. And, if nothing else, we could put Sen. McConnell out of his misery, because he looks pretty miserable, especially when he smiles.
It’s often said that McConnell is a maestro of politics, expertly manipulating the Senate behind the scenes. But isn’t being a U.S. Senate virtuoso sort of like being one of the best gasmen on the Hindenburg? It’s worth noting that nobody ever accuses him of being a maestro of lifting Kentucky out of its copious troubles.
But now is not the time for bold action. Now is the time to blithely click, tap, surf, swipe, dial or otherwise X out of any news or advertising having anything to do with this or any other campaign, including this story. I’m just glad you didn’t read it.