Bar Belle: BarBellapalooza

When’s the last time you went to KingFish on the river? It’s gotta be one of Louisville’s best-kept secrets — with its spacious outdoor seating area that looks out on the river and the fun and free putt-putt course and playground. I stopped in just last weekend for a drink before walking over to the Buy Local Fair at the Water Tower and couldn’t believe it had been so long since I had been there. I’m not a fan of seafood, so perhaps that’s the reason I never think about it. But screw food: It’s the perfect place to drink your dinner and soak up some sun. And bartender Sheri makes a killer piña colada, so I had to have two.

Louisville in springtime is abuzz with outdoor activities. It seems like every neighborhood in town touts a festival or farmers market each weekend, and friends’ cookouts have replaced “Orange Is the New Black” marathons. It was a long, rough winter. It feels like the city is collectively squirming out of its cocoon, drying out its wings and flying toward the sun. People are happy. People talk to you. People buy you beer. People hold open the door. People shout at you from across the lawn or from moving vehicles and tell you how happy they are that LEO is local again. Well, I’m happy too, dammit. And all this outdoor lovin’ makes me want to have a party.

Unfortunately, I have no funds for a party, but I can dream. And you can dream along with me, too, if you’d like. I’d love to hear what your ultimate party would entail — so email me and I’ll put them up on my blog. You shouldn’t have to fight for your right to party; it’s a God-given right to have a good time as this ball of mud spins around the sun. I think it’s in the Constitution … or the Bible — I get those mixed up.

I’m gonna call my party BarBellapalooza and it’ll be free for everyone over 21 (sorry, I just can’t deal with strollers and responsibility). It’ll have the typical ingredients of a successful festival, like live music, food, drinks, bouncy castles and ball pits for adults, and flip cup and beer pong competitions. And instead of kicking it off with a 5K run/walk in the morning, I’ll have a 5Keg competition — the gates don’t open until we finish off five kegs of Falls City!

Of course all the local breweries will be represented in the beer tent area, and all the bourbon companies will fill up a tent of their own — formed from red Maker’s Mark wax — where you can get ample samples or full cocktails like mint juleps, old fashioneds, sidecars and manhattans. There will be no fruit or vegetables at my party, other than garnishes for drinks and potatoes for the cheese fry competition. What’s that? Oh, the cheese fry competition? I’m glad you asked. Local restaurants will be offering their take on the classic dish, and for $5, you get to try all of them and vote on your favorite. Think chili cook-off but way better. Do you like your cheese fries smothered with real melted cheese or squirt cheese? Do you covet crinkle fries or steak fries? Do you dare to dip in ranch or sour cream? I bet you never thought cheese fries could be so intricate. They can. And they will.

There’s also going to be an ice cream section with the likes of Comfy Cow, Homemade Ice Cream & Pie Kitchen, Graeter’s and a froyo tent all to itself, complete with more than 1,000 toppings to choose from. There will be a blackjack tent where you can smoke cigars, a Ninja Turtle face-painting station and at least 12 photo booths sprinkled throughout. And last but not least, the music at BarBellapalooza will be legendary.

I’m going to assemble a Lilith Fair of ’80s musicians. Of course the queen of the night will be Debbie Gibson, but opening will be Tiffany, The Go-Go’s, The Bangles, Pat Benatar, Joan Jett, Bananarama, the late Whitney Houston, Cyndi “I said fuck on WAVE-3” Lauper, Lita Ford, Janet Jackson, Heart, and Martika. I know, right! The thought of all those ladies being in one place together makes me pee a little (and so do trampolines).

It looks like my fest will have to span a few days, so I’ll throw in a bloody mary, mimosa and kegs-and-eggs tent for the mornings. There’s only one rule at BarBellapalooza, and that is I get to call “House Beer” whenever I want to cut in line, including at the strawberry daiquiri-scented port-o-pots.

So who’s in? I’ll start working on the T-shirts, and you start gathering the sponsorships.

Drunk Texts of the Week
What up Gdansk Gareth jig shy nasty
• I don’t wear rose-colored glasses – I’ve been fucked too many times!

Send your drunk texts to [email protected]. My blog is at Word.