Bar Belle: I hate myself for loving cheese

I hate myself for loving cheese
Can’t break free, now I’m rounder than peas
I wanna walk but now I have bad knees, that’s why
I hate myself for loving cheese

Nothing makes you loathe yourself more than tight pants. You blame the dryer. You blame the manufacturers who perhaps used shoddy fabric. You blame the children in Indonesia who sewed it so it would miraculously get tighter each time you wore it. And then, as the blame dust settles and it’s only you standing there in front of a mirror, you take a long, hard look and realize this is all your fault. You eat cheese like it’s popcorn. You drink beer on Sundays. You don’t just walk to the office kitchen for water — you make a pitstop for every donut, cookie and piece-of-shit candy a coworker sets out.

So it’s January now and it’s time to take off what I had so much fun putting on. That means depriving myself of pleasure — no cheese, no dairy for that matter, no beer, no fried foods, no Rocky Road, no double-dipped malt balls. I think vegetables are ugly, but I’m gonna have to make friends with them. Maybe I’ll carve out an existence on black beans and rainbow sherbet. I have to be more serious about my time spent at the gym. Sleeping in is no longer an option. I’m gonna huff and puff until I can blow my pants down, and then I’ll buy a belt.

Unfortunately, this self-torture might encroach on my “research” for this column, but I think I’ve found some loopholes. First of all, while I may avoid beer for a bit, I can learn to appreciate flavored vodkas and gin and bourbon more. I can have red wine, too — just not the cheese that usually accompanies it. This time of year, I consult the calorie and carb list I have on file for most beers and liquors. If you’re in the same boat I’m in and we’re too heavy to stay afloat, here are the stats that’ll help you make better decisions when you’re out trolling the bars.

BEER (12 ounces)

Angry Orchard Cider: 200 calories, 30 carbs, 5.5% ABV (alcohol by volume)

Bass Ale: 140 calories, 13 carbs, 5.5% ABV

Blue Moon: 171 calories, 13.7 carbs, 5.4% ABV

Budweiser: 145 calories, 10.6 carbs, 5% ABV

Bud Light: 110 calories, 6.6 carbs, 4.2% ABV

Bud Select: 99 calories, 3.1 carbs, 4.3% ABV

Coors Light: 104 calories, 5.3 carbs, 4.15% ABV

Corona: 148 calories, 13 carbs, 4.6% ABV

Corona Light: 109 calories, 5 carbs, 4.1% ABV

Guinness: 126 calories, 10 carbs, 4% ABV

Harp: 153 calories, 13 carbs, 5% ABV

Magic Hat #9: 154 calories, 12 carbs, 5.1% ABV

Michelob Ultra: 95 calories, 2.6 carbs, 4.2% ABV

Miller High Life: 110 calories, 13.1 carbs, 4.7% ABV

Miller Light: 96 calories, 3.2 carbs, 4.2% ABV

Newcastle: 140 calories, 13 carbs, 5.5% ABV

Pabst Blue Ribbon: 144 calories, 12 carbs, 4.65% ABV

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale: 175 calories, 14 carbs, 5.6% ABV

Sierra Nevada Stout: 225 calories, 22.3 carbs, 5.8% ABV

Stella Artois: 135 calories, 9 carbs, 5.2% ABV


LIQUOR (shot)

Absolut vodka: 70 calories, 0 carbs, 43% ABV

Bacardi rum: 96 calories, 0 carbs, 40% ABV

Jagermeister: 103 calories, 11 carbs, 35% ABV

Jim Beam bourbon: 100 calories, 0 carbs, 40% ABV

Jose Cuervo tequila: 97 calories, 0 carbs, 40% ABV

Tanqueray gin: 115 calories, 0 carbs, 47.3% ABV


WINE (glass)

Red table wine: 125 calories, 3.8 carbs, 10-14% ABV

White table wine: 121 calories, 3.8 carbs, 10-14% ABV

Sparkling wine (redneck champagne): 106 calories, 2.8 carbs, 10-14% ABV


Drunk Texts of the Week
• If the egyptians can build pyramids, men can walk on the moon, and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches, then we can finish these three handles of vodka!
• Is it inappropriate to make out during 12 Years a Slave?

Send your drunk texts to [email protected]. My blog is at Word.