I hate myself for loving cheese
Can’t break free, now I’m rounder than peas
I wanna walk but now I have bad knees, that’s why
I hate myself for loving cheese
Nothing makes you loathe yourself more than tight pants. You blame the dryer. You blame the manufacturers who perhaps used shoddy fabric. You blame the children in Indonesia who sewed it so it would miraculously get tighter each time you wore it. And then, as the blame dust settles and it’s only you standing there in front of a mirror, you take a long, hard look and realize this is all your fault. You eat cheese like it’s popcorn. You drink beer on Sundays. You don’t just walk to the office kitchen for water — you make a pitstop for every donut, cookie and piece-of-shit candy a coworker sets out.
So it’s January now and it’s time to take off what I had so much fun putting on. That means depriving myself of pleasure — no cheese, no dairy for that matter, no beer, no fried foods, no Rocky Road, no double-dipped malt balls. I think vegetables are ugly, but I’m gonna have to make friends with them. Maybe I’ll carve out an existence on black beans and rainbow sherbet. I have to be more serious about my time spent at the gym. Sleeping in is no longer an option. I’m gonna huff and puff until I can blow my pants down, and then I’ll buy a belt.
Unfortunately, this self-torture might encroach on my “research” for this column, but I think I’ve found some loopholes. First of all, while I may avoid beer for a bit, I can learn to appreciate flavored vodkas and gin and bourbon more. I can have red wine, too — just not the cheese that usually accompanies it. This time of year, I consult the calorie and carb list I have on file for most beers and liquors. If you’re in the same boat I’m in and we’re too heavy to stay afloat, here are the stats that’ll help you make better decisions when you’re out trolling the bars.
BEER (12 ounces)
Angry Orchard Cider: 200 calories, 30 carbs, 5.5% ABV (alcohol by volume)
Bass Ale: 140 calories, 13 carbs, 5.5% ABV
Blue Moon: 171 calories, 13.7 carbs, 5.4% ABV
Budweiser: 145 calories, 10.6 carbs, 5% ABV
Bud Light: 110 calories, 6.6 carbs, 4.2% ABV
Bud Select: 99 calories, 3.1 carbs, 4.3% ABV
Coors Light: 104 calories, 5.3 carbs, 4.15% ABV
Corona: 148 calories, 13 carbs, 4.6% ABV
Corona Light: 109 calories, 5 carbs, 4.1% ABV
Guinness: 126 calories, 10 carbs, 4% ABV
Harp: 153 calories, 13 carbs, 5% ABV
Magic Hat #9: 154 calories, 12 carbs, 5.1% ABV
Michelob Ultra: 95 calories, 2.6 carbs, 4.2% ABV
Miller High Life: 110 calories, 13.1 carbs, 4.7% ABV
Miller Light: 96 calories, 3.2 carbs, 4.2% ABV
Newcastle: 140 calories, 13 carbs, 5.5% ABV
Pabst Blue Ribbon: 144 calories, 12 carbs, 4.65% ABV
Sierra Nevada Pale Ale: 175 calories, 14 carbs, 5.6% ABV
Sierra Nevada Stout: 225 calories, 22.3 carbs, 5.8% ABV
Stella Artois: 135 calories, 9 carbs, 5.2% ABV
Absolut vodka: 70 calories, 0 carbs, 43% ABV
Bacardi rum: 96 calories, 0 carbs, 40% ABV
Jagermeister: 103 calories, 11 carbs, 35% ABV
Jim Beam bourbon: 100 calories, 0 carbs, 40% ABV
Jose Cuervo tequila: 97 calories, 0 carbs, 40% ABV
Tanqueray gin: 115 calories, 0 carbs, 47.3% ABV
Red table wine: 125 calories, 3.8 carbs, 10-14% ABV
White table wine: 121 calories, 3.8 carbs, 10-14% ABV
Sparkling wine (redneck champagne): 106 calories, 2.8 carbs, 10-14% ABV
Drunk Texts of the Week
• If the egyptians can build pyramids, men can walk on the moon, and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches, then we can finish these three handles of vodka!
• Is it inappropriate to make out during 12 Years a Slave?