Reaching the undecided voters

My fellow Americans, it’s been a long and grueling campaign. I’ve debated my worthy opponent on the issues. I’ve aired millions of dollars’ worth of campaign ads, and I’ve spoken in countless schools, businesses and arenas all over this great land. And today, I’m proud to bring my message of hope, freedom and prosperity to this Hampton Inn breakfast buffet.

Now, you good folks at this buffet are what the pollsters call low-information voters. If our information is accurate, you don’t really know anything about me or my opponent. And my campaign has identified you folks here today as the last 63 undecided people in the entire country. And yet you will vote.

Some cynics will say that you’ve turned your backs on the democratic process. That you’ve given up on politicians. That you’ve given up hope. But I know better. I understand the challenges and demands on you, the hardworking people who are currently enjoying some “western scrambled eggs” at this Hampton Inn breakfast buffet.

Anyone can see that it’s not easy to stay informed about the complex issues facing our great nation. For instance, that “SportsCenter” segment about the top 10 plays of the week, which is currently playing a little too loudly on that HDTV above the faux fireplace, is a distraction. (Could someone please turn that down over there? Thank you.)

That reminds me of a man named Ralph Bennett I met late last night on a campaign stop at the Applebee’s out on the edge of town. We sat together to discuss America’s priorities, and Mr. Bennett pointed out repeatedly that he was in first place in his fantasy football league. Now that is what I would call a true champion. Ralph Bennett might not know exactly how I plan to fix Medicare, but he knows his football and I salute that. If anything, we need more fantasy football in America, not less, and I will make that a priority when I am elected. That is my promise to you.

But there are other major challenges for far too many Americans today, such as simply putting food on the table for your families. Which obviously isn’t a problem here at the Hampton Inn breakfast buffet, judging by the mounds of food piled up on some of your plates. That sausage gravy looks pretty tasty! Good choice, there, sir. I hope your family gets here before those waffles and bacon on those other plates get cold. What’s that? Oh, those plates are all for you? Well, I think we all can agree the food here at the Hampton Inn is pretty delicious.

And I’m sure we can also agree that the No. 1 problem facing America today is jobs. Show of hands, how many people here have jobs? Wow, 100 percent of you? Yes, I guess you would need to have jobs to stay at the Hampton Inn and eat the breakfast buffet, right? As I was saying, the No. 1 problem facing America today is taxes. They are too high, and I will lower taxes on the middle class so hardworking Americans like you have a chance in this tough economy.

Another topic on everyone’s mind is education. Now, my opponent might believe that fixing our schools is too hard. That the only way to solve problems is to throw money at them. That we should just turn our kids’ future over to the terrorists. That Ambien can somehow magically help you unsee what your ex posted today on Facebook.

But I have a better way, a smarter way and a more American way. A way that will harness the freedom and energy of proud Americans like you here in this Hampton Inn to create a future with a robust economy and safe schools and a healthy environment where Americans can play fantasy football and make their own waffles without building up a mountain of debt that our children will have to someday pay to China, with interest.

Now, I am not perfect. I once forgot to wear my flag pin on my lapel for 15 minutes before an aide discovered my mistake. But unlike my opponent, who may have personally killed and eaten a puppy, I will fight for the ideals our Founding Fathers instilled in each of us: life, liberty and the pursuit of an unlimited supply of coffee and juice (until the buffet closes at 10 a.m.).

Thank you and God bless America.