Book: If this couch could talk

An interview with the little brown Rustic Frog couch

In an exclusive interview, LEO Weekly caught up with the veteran brown couch from Southern Indiana’s friendly neighborhood strip club and swamp, the Rustic Frog. The couch is hosting a reading and signing from its latest tell-all, “More Cushion for the Pushin’,” at Carmichael’s Bookstore on Saturday. The first few fans to arrive can cozy up on the infamous couch for the duration of the reading.

LEO: Can you tell me the weirdest thing that’s happened on top of you?
Brown Couch: If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Haha! Only kidding, buddy. I don’t want to spill my secrets, but let’s just say it involved several girls, Harry Potter glasses, the Beatles’ White album, a busload of frat boys, Tang and a Rubik’s Cube. Am I dating myself?

LEO: If I were to pull up your couch cushions, what might I find?
BC: I’d have to get my lawyer involved for obvious reasons. But I’m sure there’s the usual — thongs, handcuffs, dog bones, a few ounces of weed, spare change, Lindsay Lohan’s career, gold teeth, Jimmy Hoffa.

LEO: Will you ever leave the Rustic Frog for a calmer residence, like a doctor’s office or something?
BC: Never. I love this place. I feel as fresh and springy as I did when I started. And the girls, God love ’em, they just keep getting hotter. Sure, I smell like a sweaty ashtray, but who doesn’t? When they grip my cushions and grind on my pillows, I’m as happy as a couch clam.

LEO: You’ve been at the Rustic Frog for more than 10 years. When’s the last time you had your upholstery cleaned?
BC: I’ve been patted down and scrubbed throughout the years. But I value my beer, liquor and Red Bull stains like you humans might your scars — they’re a record of my triumphs. If I weren’t so soft and comfy, I wouldn’t have as many stains as I do, now would I?

*This story is part of LEO’s Fake Issue.