As a public service, Summary of My Discontent frequently invites longtime Thunder-goer Buck Dallas to answer readers’ questions. Mr. Dallas has gone to Thunder Over Louisville every year since 1990 and has a unique perspective on a variety of issues. This week, he answers your questions about gay marriage.
Dear Buck: Some people say that allowing gays and lesbians to marry destroys “the sanctity of marriage.” As a married straight couple, my husband and I find this argument offensive. We’ve been married for 19 years and our track record shows that we’re perfectly capable of destroying the sanctity of our own marriage, thank you very much. We feel so strongly about this that we’re considering a divorce, but that seems so Newt Gingrichy. Should we do it anyway? —Sanctity Free Since ’93
Dear ’93: Awwwwww, hell yeah! That shit is awesome!
Dear Buck: I believe gays and lesbians should have the same rights as straight people. It’s unfair they don’t have the same legal protections, hospital visitation rights, access to affordable health insurance and Social Security survivor benefits — after all, as workers, they pay into the system like everybody else. Wouldn’t future generations be right to judge us harshly for not making this change? —Fair is Fair
Dear Fair: Goddamn, that right there makes me proud to be an American!
Dear Buck: Marriage should be reserved for the sacred purpose of bringing up children with a mother and a father. If gays are allowed to marry, what’s next — allowing straight people who don’t want babies to get married? —Traditionalist
Dear Traditionalist: I am literally holding in most of my pee!
Dear Buck: Pollsters and trend-watchers say it’s only a matter of time until gays get equal rights. Young people overwhelmingly support gay rights — and, in fact, don’t understand why it’s even an issue. Even Republicans seem to know they’re on the wrong side of the issue. Mitch McConnell’s pollster Jan van Lohuizen warned Republicans that it’s not even a youth-vote issue anymore. He wrote: “…all age groups are rethinking their positions … This is not about a generational shift in attitudes; this is about people changing their thinking as they recognize their friends and family members who are gay or lesbian.” Will Republicans ever see the light? —The Times They Are A-Changin’
Dear Times: HELL yeah. Yeee-OW! Oooo, ahhhhh.
Dear Buck: As a libertarian, I believe gays should be allowed to marry. I also believe marijuana should be legal and religious evangelism is wrong. People should mind their own damn business. I do, however, draw the line at Rush cover bands. That shit should be stopped. Thank you for listening. —N. Peart
Dear N.: Fried dough, muthafucka! Fried. Motherfucking. DOUGH.
Dear Buck: My granddaughter and her girlfriend have been living together in a loving relationship for five years. They own a home together and have good jobs and plan to start a family through artificial insemination. I’m proud of them, and I hope I live long enough to go to their wedding and watch their children — my great-grandbabies — grow up. When I was their age, I didn’t think I knew any homosexuals. The truth is I knew plenty; I just didn’t know they were gay. Don’t you think if everybody looked into their own hearts and put aside their fears, they would see that love is the important thing, not whether your spouse is an innie or an outie? —Proud Grammie
Dear Grammie: Ka-BLAM! Yessss! Woot!
Dear Buck: With gay people getting married, will they also be, you know, doing it? —Scared Straight
Dear Scared: Oh, all day and all night, man! The airborne acrobatics are amazing, but really the fireworks are the best part!
Dear Buck: Is Barack Obama as gay as he can get or can he still get gayer? —Rand P.
Dear Rand: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You had to go there? Perhaps because I’m an air-show and fireworks enthusiast, you have jumped to the conclusion that I am some kind of bigot and find comments like that amusing. Keep in mind that when you embarrass yourself, you embarrass all of us. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to regain my festive mood.
Join us next time when Buck answers questions about the European economic crisis.