Outsource your worry

Are you a worrier? According to a recent study by the U.S. Department of Anxiety, as many as 83 percent of us worry needlessly about real or imagined everyday concerns, such as excess stomach acid, nuclear Armageddon or whether studies can be trusted to provide valid statistics.

But no matter how you count the numbers, there is a real concern that too many of us are worrying too much, which can lead to arteriosclerosis, death and, in a worst-case scenario, annoying our loved ones. It’s disquieting news indeed.

Even worse, most worry is unproductive because most of the things we’re worrying about are beyond our control, such as whether we’re going to eat that pie (we are), whether we should get that mole checked out (we should, but not today because there are some good shows on Hulu), and whether we’re going to die in a horrible and painful way (we are, but we won’t remember it afterward, which is pretty sweet).

There are also indications that reducing our worry can lead to better mental health. For instance, social scientist Bobby McFerrin released a landmark a capella study in 1988 linking an absence of worrying to happiness. True, other experts in the field, such as Public Enemy’s Chuck D, countered, “Damn if I say it you can slap me right HERE!” but it’s probably best not to worry too much about that fracas.

That’s why LEO Capital Ventures, in conjunction with The Summary of My Discontent Center for Productive Neurosis, has been hard at work developing Don’t Worry!™, a new service designed to reduce your anxiety, your sleeplessness and — if you act now — your insomnia. After many beers of hard work, we are ready to bring Don’t Worry! to market.

Here’s how it works: The next time you feel worry coming on, simply download our app, log in and chat with one of our licensed e-Worriers™. Simply describe your concern, and, for a modest fee, our team of dedicated e-Worriers will spring into action. We’ll analyze your problem and assign a surrogate worrier to take over all your worrying chores. Think of it as outsourcing the worry portion of the hippocampus region of your brain to highly skilled worriers in Pakistan or Eastern Kentucky.

First, your e-Worrier will evaluate the severity of your worry and assign it a score on the worry scale from one to 10. A minor worry, such as “Does my uvula look puffy?” would be assigned a low score, such as a two. A major concern, such as “Did that condom hold?” would be assigned a higher score, probably at least an eight. Armed with your worry score, your e-Worrier will immediately begin fretting, including but not limited to nail-biting, lip-chewing, heart palpitations and, if necessary, effusive sweating. In the most extreme cases, your e-Worrier might drink heavily or develop a drug addiction. All you have to do is relax (and pay with Visa, MasterCard or PayPal).

Worried that someone is looking in your window while you’re taking a bath? That’s silly — you have those frosted windows and you keep the blinds closed. But you’re still a bit uneasy about it, right? Instead, leave the worrying to us. That way, you can relax and let Calgon take you away. (And if you’re worried about where Calgon might take you, for a modest upgrade, we’ll worry about that for you as well.)

Or imagine this scenario: You’re lying awake at night, worrying about your teenage daughter who just got her license and is 10 minutes past curfew. You’re afraid she’s been in a wreck and if not, she’ll probably score high on the SAT, go off to a liberal arts college on the West Coast, get a degree in International Relations, join the foreign service, move to Asia, get tracked by agents working for Kim Jung Un, and narrowly escape their clutches, only to make it safely back to her yurt and forget to Skype you every Sunday at 7.

Instead of all that needless worrying, simply contact Don’t Worry! We’ll take on all the worrying for you (or remind you that your daughter isn’t actually born yet and in fact you’re not even expecting a baby and aren’t in a relationship and don’t have any real prospects). At last, you can masturbate quietly and get a good night’s sleep. It’s just that simple!

Don’t Worry! Leave that to us. (Unless you really enjoy worrying, in which case never mind.)