Asking me about sex is like watching me perform long division. Do you start up front or in the back? This number goes in twice, but what or who comes next? Where in the hell do you put this 1, and do I have to carry it all night? Will you still love me if I have to phone a friend?
I remember in eighth grade, standing at the chalkboard for 10 excruciating minutes, sweating profusely while I moved numbers around, hoping Ms. Adams would give her approving nod and excuse me back into my cave. “You’re doing it all wrong!” she would scowl. “You’re going to suck at life if you can’t divide … so just forget about multiplying!”
But insecurities, they come and they go, much like sex. There are certainly degrees of sexual experiences, but let’s face it, if you’re having sex with someone you like, it pretty much beats watching “Fear Factor” or sitting alone at the bar. Many of you have asked for my advice on sex over the years, perhaps assuming I’m as knowledgeable in cock and tail as I am with cocktails. Not true, unfortunately. But I will give it my best shot.
Q: What say you about toys? Ditch them after you get dumped, or rinse, recycle and reuse?
A: I’m not one to promote unnecessarily filling landfills, but I’d rather you not fill my hole with used merchandise. Gross.
Q: Newt Gingrich believes in open marriages. Do you?
A: Let me get this straight. Newt believes in open marriages but not gay marriage? So Newt can wiggle his lizard into anyone he wants, as long as there’s a vagina involved and his wife gives consent? Gross. I do not believe in open marriage, but I do think marriage should be open to all.
Q: Why do fools fall in love?
A: Much like Red Bull, love gives you wings and the security of knowing someone is there for you and you are there for someone. Love makes fools of people because it’s not an emotion that can easily be suppressed. I’ve written bad poetry for paramours, scheduled classes around crushes and cried rivers over losing at love. Would I do it all again? You betcha.
Q: I always seem to piss my girlfriend off when we’re out drinking. Is it my problem or hers?
A: It’s your problem, buddy. And I learned this the hard way. Nobody likes a drunk — not even a bar owner. Don’t be sloppy around your suitor. Save it for the nights with your drinking buddies. If your girlfriend has to pick you up off the floor, chances are she’s already packed her bags. Remember how pathetic Meg Ryan was in “When a Man Loves a Woman”? You don’t want to be the one falling through the glass shower door.
Q: Louisville can seem like such a small town. Where in the world can I meet someone if I didn’t go to high school here?
A: I’m not from here either and found it difficult to meet people at first. Fortunately, I had a lot of cool co-workers who dragged me out to their favorite bars and hotspots. I think we often lack confidence as single people. If you see someone you like, ask her out. Grab the situation by the balls and squeeze it tight. Rejection is a fleeting emotion. It won’t last long.
I’ve gotten many drunken sexts over the years — these are some of my favorites. Oh, the memories (not always mine) …
• We r gonna b bombed by n korea, so u shld get on top of me
• Havent u heard? Anl is the new orl
• My cleavage has amazing storage capabilities. Just sayin
• Whts he teasing u abt? Bc u were on ur knees cleaning my carpet n detailing my interior?
• Im gonna porcini ur ass in the bathroom
• I just got to 2nd base at the fair!
• tracy couldnt hear because of the cacophony of crotch
• He wants his ego stroked … under the table
• How about a penile implant in the parking lot?
• U say it breast whn u say nothn at all
• You have an uncircumcised throat, tonsil girl
• Its kinda windy, like ur bunghole
• Saw this on bthrm wall at Sprng St: Make money. Fuck bitches. Smoke trees
• Jagerbmbs wll loosen tght screws!
• hung like a horse, dumb as a donkey
• I fucked him so hard, our kids will be born dizzy
• BJs are like handshakes to her
• no sex makes my skin cry
• she can whack my bush any time
• No dicks were eaten in the production
of this bar walk
• twigs n skin tight pants make my hardwood
• Sushi is an acquired taste, like buttsex
• Feeln like a brass band … all horny
• No free passes to my yum center!
• Is your tshirt in braille?
• My nipples are at half mast
• Playing solitaire down there