“Only a good-for-nothing is not interested in his past.” —Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis
If years were Jay-Z, 2011 could say, “I got 7 billion problems but Osama ain’t one.” Yes, in the bad-news department, the Earth’s population surpassed 7 billion in 2011, which is roughly half the number of iPads that Apple sold. But in the good-news department, Navy SEALs sent Osama bin Laden to that great virgin orgy under the sea.
But that was just the tip of the iceberg. The past year saw upheaval in nearly every corner of the globe: There was the Arab Spring, the European financial crisis, the Mexican drug wars, the Japanese tsunami and the British obsession with a bridesmaid’s bum.
Closer to home, we saw our own uniquely American form of social protest when a crazed Walmart shopper pepper-sprayed her competitors for an Xbox. Oh, and after 30 years of sitting idly by while politicians redistributed wealth upward, Americans finally got pissed enough to Occupy Wall Street. But at least we Kentuckians can all agree on what was undoubtedly the best development of 2011: We got to follow an attorney general candidate who was literally named P’Pool. (Still pinching ourselves!)
Did you look up from your apps long enough to follow current events? Let’s find out with this year’s Not Good For Nothing Quiz:
National and International News
1. When Navy SEALs killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan, what surprising stash did they reportedly find in his compound?
_______ A. A collection of hand-written sonnets to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
_______ B. A huge collection of porn
_______ C. An Android smartphone with hundreds of sexts from U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-NY
_______ D. A signed copy of “Success is a Choice — Ten Steps to Overachieving in Business and Life” by Rick Pitino
2. What was the “Day of Wrath”?
_______ A. A Tea Party crowd’s reaction to a Republican debate question about whether society should let a hypothetical uninsured man die
_______ B. A shit-storm that erupted when Facebook added a news ticker to its layout
_______ C. A Twitter-fueled demonstration in Egypt, in which hundreds of thousands took to the streets to demand the ouster of President Hosni Mubarak
_______ D. Michelle Bachman’s nickname for the day each year when she has sex with her husband
3. In “The American Jobs Act,” President Obama and congressional Democrats proposed a bill that would preserve hundreds of thousands of jobs and invest in infrastructure like roads, bridges and schools. How did they propose to pay for it?
_______ A. A 5 percent surtax on incomes over $1 million
_______ B. Buying some weed from Mexico and selling it to Amsterdam
_______ C. A one-time $1 million “Warren Buffet tax” on each of the United States’ 403 billionaires
_______ D. Selling the Grand Canyon to Mark Zuckerberg, who needs space to store Facebook users’ beer-pong photos
4. The world got a new country in 2011. What is its name?
_______ A. Ubeki-beki-beki-beki Stanstan
_______ B. South Sudan
_______ C. The United People’s GoldmanSachsMonsantoPfizer
_______ D. Todd P’Palau
5. Taco Bell launched a damage-control media blitz in January after a class-action lawsuit claimed the chain’s taco meat contained only 34 percent beef and included what substances?
_______ A. Botox and crystal meth
_______ B. Toxic soil leftover from the construction of Louisville’s Yum! Center
_______ C. Isolated oat product, silicon dioxide, modified cornstarch and anti-dusting agents
_______ D. Sodium phosphates, soy lecithin and the reconstituted remains from Al Roker’s 2006 liposuction
A. Fallen dictator, B. Hip-hop artist or C. “Boardwalk Empire” character?
_______ 6. Zine El Abidine Ben Ali
_______ 7. Nucky Thompson
_______ 8. T-Pain
_______ 9. Chalky White
_______ 10. Flo Rida
_______ 11. Hosni Mubarak
_______ 12. Al Capone
Match the newsmaker to the news:
_______ 13. Conrad Murray
_______ 14. Gabrielle Giffords
_______ 15. Wendi Deng
_______ 16. Wael Ghonim
_______ 17. Amy Chua
_______ 18. Stephanie Sandmann
_______ 19. Kalle Lasn
A. Wife of evil media turtle Rupert Murdoch, who slapped her husband’s would-be pie attacker during his testimony before the British Parliament
B. Agriculture Secretary Richie Farmer’s girlfriend, who was hired at the agriculture department one week before Election Day as a special assistant at $5,000 per month
C. Doctor found guilty of involuntary manslaughter for giving Michael Jackson too much “milk”
D. Author of “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” who kicked off a vigorous discussion about parenting and Eastern vs. Western culture
E. Editor of anti-consumerist magazine Adbusters who branded the Occupy Wall Street movement
F. Heroic Arizona congresswoman who survived an assassination attempt in January
G. Former Google executive who launched the Facebook page “We are all Khaled Saeed,” which helped spark the Egyptian revolution
20. With the world’s population now topping 7 billion, who is the world’s most typical human?
_______ A. A 28-year-old Han Chinese male
_______ B. A 17-year-old Nigerian female
_______ C. A 56-year-old Trader Joe’s customer
_______ D. A 22-year-old Bangladeshi male
A. Fired, B. Retired or C. Expired?
_______ 21. Joe Paterno
_______ 22. Betty Ford
_______ 23. Andy Rooney
_______ 24. Sylvio Burlesconi
_______ 25. Elizabeth Taylor
_______ 26. Clarence Clemons
_______ 27. Muammar el-Qaddafi
_______ 28. The Space Shuttle Program
_______ 29. Steve Jobs
_______ 30. Randy Savage
31. Which of the following new or proposed energy technologies is fake?
_______ A. In November, a U.S. Navy destroyer completed a 17-hour test voyage that was 50 percent powered by algae
_______ B. A NASA proposal to entirely power the Earth using giant orbiting solar power plants by 2041
_______ C. A Mongolian plan to cool the city of Ulan Bator and provide fresh drinking water by deploying the world’s largest chunk of manmade ice
_______ D. A Nissan electric-car “urine battery” that is powered entirely by an onboard P’Pool
32. According to a March report on The Great Recession issued by the Economic Policy Institute, what percentage of U.S. households have zero or negative net worth?
_______ A. 5 percent
_______ B. 11 percent
_______ C. 25 percent
_______ D. Can’t stop to answer — I’m too busy making my “EAT THE RICH” sign for the Occupation
33. What did Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich call “the dumbest idea I’ve seen in a very long lifetime”?
_______ A. Sen. Mitch McConnell’s attempt to strong-arm the Big 12 athletic conference into admitting the University of Louisville
_______ B. Standard and Poor’s downgrade of the United States’ credit rating from “AAA” to “Trailer Trash”
_______ C. President Obama’s decision to bring all U.S. troops home from Iraq by the end of the year
_______ D. The budget deficit “super committee’s” bi-partisan attempt to solve the debt crisis
Regional and Local News
34. What was Republican gubernatorial candidate David Williams complaining about when he said, “He’s sitting down there with his legs crossed, participating in Hindu prayers with a dot on his forehead with incense burning around him. I don’t know what the man was thinking”?
_______ A. Opponent Gatewood Galbraith’s annual trip to Burning Man
_______ B. Running mate Richie Farmer’s devil-may-care approach to running the Department of Agriculture, which had a habit of losing refrigerators
_______ C. President Obama’s public release of his long-form birth certificate
_______ D. Gov. Beshear’s attendance at a Hindu ceremony at a new business in Kentucky
35. In September, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels ordered the Sherman Minton Bridge closed after inspection crews made what eye-opening discovery?
_______ A. Going to Kentucky was “totally overrated”
_______ B. Closing a major interstate artery was a good way to get people thinking about building new bridges
_______ C. A 50-year-old, two-and-a-half-inch crack in the bridge’s steel
_______ D. A 7-mile-long slick of unknown substance coating the roadway between Louisville and New Albany’s Rustic Frog
36. Why was a proposed merger of University of Louisville Hospital, Jewish Hospital and Catholic Health Initiatives controversial?
_______ A. The proposed deal required the new company to join the Big 12 conference
_______ B. The deal stipulated that all female employees must cover their heads and wear patent leather shoes to work
_______ C. Extravagant remodeling plans for University Hospital called for an Olympic-sized P’Pool
_______ D. The deal would force University Hospital to follow Catholic Church limitations on reproductive services including abortion, sterilization and contraception
37. Who said, “The rich are getting richer, but the poor are getting richer even faster”?
_______ A. Tongue-tied Texan Rick Perry in a Republican presidential debate
_______ B. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, defending his $27 million net worth, despite working virtually his entire career in the public sector
_______ C. Poverty-agnostic Sen. Rand Paul, in a Senate Health Subcommittee meeting
_______ D. Kentucky attorney general write-in candidate Todd Poo’Pile, in a YouTube video satire
A. Dead, B. Alive or C. NuLu:
_______ 38. Owsley Frazier
_______ 39. First Friday Trolley Hop
_______ 40. Judy Green
_______ 41. Harvest
_______ 42. Kentucky Kingdom
_______ 43. 732 Social
_______ 44. Museum Plaza
_______ 45. Toast
_______ 46. Owsley Brown
47. Staying true to his apparent “Keep Up the Crazy” pledge after Mitch McConnell sent Jim Bunning to that nice farm upstate, what loony remark did Sen. Rand Paul make?
_______ A. The American Lung Association is fudging its reports to make pollution look like the cause of asthma
_______ B. Women in the workplace can’t take a joke about sex
_______ C. Federal transportation funds intended to reduce deadly auto accidents are actually squirrel and turtle sanctuaries
_______ D. The U.S. today is like the Weimar Republic in 1923
_______ E. Mandatory healthcare is like slavery
_______ F. It’s often hard to get his poop to flush because of over-regulation
_______ G. All of the above
A. Resigned, B. Retired, C. Expired or D. Retired and Expired?
_______ 48. Tom Wicker
_______ 49. Vivian Schiller
_______ 50. Steve York
_______ 51. Andy Rooney
_______ 52. Craig Hoffman
_______ 53. Barry Bernson
54. WDRB made news when video of what went viral?
_______ A. Meteorologist Jude Redfield being pelted in the groin with a water balloon
_______ B. Sterling Riggs’ feature on “Happy Balls” bourbon candy
_______ C. Morning anchor Lindsay Allen allegedly uttering the N-word
_______ D. Passionate kisses between newlywed co-workers Bennett Haeberle and Sarah Grote
_______ E. Bill Lamb’s colonoscopy
A. True or B. False
_______ 55. On Oct. 4, “Pure Politics” host Ryan Alessi introduced a story on the budget, tilted his head leftward, shut his eyes and snored loudly
_______ 56. In a speech to state lawmakers, University Hospital spokesman David McArthur told WHAS-11, The Courier-Journal and the ACLU to “Get off our backs!”
_______ 57. Ousted Metro Councilwoman Judy Green called WFPL’s Phillip M. Bailey “scum-of-the-earth”
_______ 58. Senate President David Williams challenged KET’s Bill Goodman to say “bully from Burkesville” one more time
_______ 59. Metro Parks Director Mike Heitz got a restraining order against the WAVE-3 Troubleshooter
60. Which didn’t happen?
_______ A. Louisville Food & Dining, Edible Louisville and The Paper became free publications
_______ B. Layoffs beset The Courier-Journal
_______ C. Crime Times, a mug shot magazine, started in Louisville
_______ D. Greater Louisville Inc. acquired Business First
_______ E. Local TV stations expanded their news programming
Arts and Entertainment
61. Which of the following movies was filmed here?
_______ A. “She’s Having a Baby” (the John Hughes remake) starring Justin Bieber
_______ B. “Meat Dress: The Lady Gaga Story” starring Sandra Bullock as Lady Gaga
_______ C. “Harry Potter and the Second Part of the Eighth Novel That You Already Read Six Times”
_______ D. “Stripes” starring Billy Murray
62. Which Louisville legend is competing on this season of “Top Chef”?
_______ A. The Pope Lick Monster
_______ B. Darryl Isaacs
_______ C. Edward Lee
_______ D. John Timmons
63. Which musical genre does Mayor Fischer love most?
_______ A. Dubstep
_______ B. Post-rock
_______ C. Reggae
_______ D. Skittles
64. Which DJs or jam bands did not appear at this year’s Forecastle Festival?
_______ A. The Grateful Dead
_______ B. Dr. Larry Feingold
_______ C. DJ Jesus Jamz
_______ D. The Almighty Lube Accident
_______ E. All of the above
65. After 25 years of high-fiving soccer moms and giving away cars, Oprah ended her talk show on May 25, 2011. What were her final words?
_______ A. “See you on O.W.N.!”
_______ B. “You get a car!”
_______ C. “Gayle!”
_______ D. “Until we meet again.”
_______ E. “John Travolta!”
66. “Meatball Problems” was a term coined on which popular reality TV show this year?
_______ A. “Rachael Ray”
_______ B. “Top Chef”
_______ C. “Jersey Shore”
_______ D. “16 and Pregnant”
67. Who was U of L basketball coach Rick Pitino referring to when he said, “I ignore the jealous, I ignore the malicious, I ignore the ignorant and I ignore the paranoid. If the shoe fits anyone, wear it”?
_______ A. Karen Sypher, aka “Fertile Myrtle,” aka Inmate #10899, who was convicted of extorting The Rick after engaging in 15 seconds of hot restaurant sex with him
_______ B. Kentucky coach John Calipari, aka “The Squid,” who slighted the Cards by saying UK has the only real basketball program in the state
_______ C. Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski, aka “Coach K,” aka “The Rat,” who has the most career wins of any Division 1 coach (yet is still paid significantly less than Pitino)
_______ D. Former Mayor-turned-Lieutenant Gov. Jerry Abramson, aka “The Head,” who now garners only a tiny fraction of the media attention given to basketball
Match the newsmaker to the news:
_______ 68. Tim Tebow
_______ 69. Jim Tressel
_______ 70. Joe Paterno
_______ 71. David Freese
_______ 72. David Stern
A. Ohio State football coach with a penchant for sweater vests who resigned after it was revealed he knew several players traded NCAA memorabilia for tattoos
B. Diminutive commissioner of the NBA, which started its season on Christmas Day following a contentious five-month labor “crisis”
C. Evangelical Denver Broncos quarterback who went from fourth-string to (Jesus Christ) superstar
D. St. Louis Cardinals third baseman who hit a walk-off homerun in game six of the World Series against the Texas Rangers before going on to be named MVP
E. Octogenarian Penn State football coach fired for allegedly ignoring reports that his former assistant was “horsing around” with young boys
73. The Indianapolis Colts are experiencing an unprecedented losing streak. What’s the most likely reason for this train wreck of a season?
_______ A. Quarterback Peyton Manning left football to focus on commercial-acting full time
_______ B. Peyton Manning was grounded after sucker-punching little brother Eli, quarterback for the Giants
_______ C. Peyton Manning is sitting out this season due to neck surgery
_______ D. Former coach Tony Dungy stopped praying for them