Jack Conway (D): The strong-jawed incumbent and Louisville native is running on his record of locking up pedophiles and perverts lurking on the Internet. He’s hoping to make up for his loss to Rand Paul last year, which is probably why he pulled his ad accusing his opponent of being the ringleader of a satanic coke orgy in high school. Our loss.
Todd P’Pool (R): P’Pool — pronounced “pee pool,” no joke — is a prosecutor from Madisonville. He has shown great acting prowess in his TV ads, which resemble a promo for an episode of “CSI,” with him ducking crime scene tape with steely resolve on his face. He also assures voters that as attorney general, he won’t allow President Obama to continue “destroying America.”
SECRETARY OF STATE
Alison Lundergan Grimes (D): Grimes is running on restoring the voting rights of felons and making it easier for Kentucky businesses to register online. Her TV ads mercifully avoided hyper-negative attacks, instead allowing her adorable grandmas to do a comedy sketch. This race is likely a test run for 2015, as many see her as the Kentucky Democrat of the future.
Bill Johnson (R): Johnson believes that Grimes, George Soros and Bill Clinton are teaming up with ACORN — which no longer exists — to secretly enlist an army of homeless people to vote illegally and swing Kentucky for Obama in 2012. He also vows to “protect the unborn,” which has nothing to do with the office’s duties, unless we finally expand voting rights to fetuses.
Adam Edelen (D): Gov. Beshear’s former chief of staff, Edelen is a chamber of commerce Democrat who has the endorsement of state auditor Crit Luallen, whose work exposing waste and corruption in government he hopes to emulate. The John Edwards doppelganger likely has his eyes set on running for higher office in 2015 after dispatching of the out-financed Kemper.
John Kemper (R): The former UK football player is running on a platform of a “debt-free Kentucky,” cutting waste in order to get the state’s books in order. Which makes his long history of unpaid bills and personal bankruptcies quite unfortunate for him. Kemper says he’s running “on a shoestring,” and since his opponent has raised 20 times the money, he isn’t joking.
COMMISSIONER OF AGRICULTURE
Bob Farmer (D): Farmer, who has zero farming experience, is a comedian from Louisville who likes to joke about how rural Kentuckians are toothless inbreds. He won his primary race because people thought they were voting for Richie Farmer, and voting for someone named “Farmer” for this position is like voting for “Bookman” as auditor, or “Coal Shill” for governor. It just feels right, you know?
Jamie Comer (R): Comer is a farmer with the backing of the Tea Party — even though his farming empire has relied on substantial subsidies from the dreaded federal government. Comer advocates for legalizing industrial hemp and getting the EPA off of farmers’ damned lawns. If he — an experienced farmer — loses to his opponent — a comedian — I guess that would technically be funny, right?
Todd Hollenbach (D): The son of the much more popular, longtime Jefferson County judge-executive is known for four years of … well, not doing very much as state treasurer. His biggest accomplishment that he brags about is cutting janitorial services from his office and cleaning his own toilet. His actual toilet, that’s not a metaphor for Frankfort.
KC Crosbie (R): This Lexington councilwoman is the last of a dying breed: a Kentucky Republican who doesn’t endlessly blather about the evils of abortion and Obama, or spout an endless stream of Tea Party talking points. Unfortunately, she’s running for the least consequential statewide office, whose only real responsibility is signing checks. Baby steps, GOP, baby steps.