Hey Santa. It’s me, Pam. Look, I know we haven’t talked since I was a kid, and I never thanked you properly for that Walkman in the ’90s. Now that I am an adult and you and I are in, how shall I say it, different dimensions and everything, I know it might seem weird for me to suddenly write to you after 20 years. But I thought I would come to you for some wish-granting help.
See, there are some things I need that I don’t have. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for what I already have. It’s just that you have this major reputation of being a giver and, well, you’ve been around for a really long time, granting wishes all over the world.
There is talk of you originating in the fourth century as the Greek bishop Saint Nicholas. Then there is the Dutch folklore surrounding “Sinterklaas,” which came to be known as Santa Claus in the 1700s, inspired by the British Father Christmas (from the 17th century). The poem “The Night Before Christmas” was all about the new American you in the 1800s. By the 1930s, you were all over the place when Coca-Cola put you on their bottles. Excuse me for saying so, but you get around, and you are old. These days we also have the Macy’s Day Parade Santa, the mall Santa, the dancing Santa with sunglasses on … it’s hard to know which Santa is getting the letters. All in all, though, you seem like a pretty jovial, open-minded guy. After all this Christmas hoopla, we should just hang sometime. You know, get to know each other better over some hot chocolate with our old ladies.
You grant gay people’s wishes, right? I mean, your whole shtick is kindness and giving based on good behavior. And, for the most part, I was a good lesbian this year. I’ve stayed in a healthy relationship and do my best to represent. In terms of the gay community as a whole, I think we’ve dealt fairly gracefully with what we’ve been confronted with this year. We’ve pulled together in the tough times. We continue to contribute daily to society, the economy, the arts. We’ve made some political headway here and there. Speaking of that, I don’t know if you had anything to do with this, but thank you for Rachel Maddow. Really, she is a gift.
Anyway, it’s already past Black Friday by now, so I thought I would ask for some non-commercial stuff (although you can still get “Just Dance” for Wii on Amazon). Since you can go up chimneys with the touch of your nose and use a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer as your main mode of transportation, then I hope what I am asking for doesn’t seem too impossible. Here goes:
• Do you have any influence on the television and movie industry? Some more real gay people and realistic gay characters would be nice, but I’ll start by asking in general for less murder.
• Could you give kids more gay role models? Like relatives, teachers, even church members who are out? Seems like it would help. Or maybe we could teach more gay history in school, or mention that some prominent figures in history were gay, besides RuPaul?
• Can people ask for less of something? Because less political repression would really help a lot. You know, like, the once-and-for-all repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the opportunity to adopt, anti-discrimination laws in the workplace and in schools. Could you put the choice to legally marry in my stocking?
• This doesn’t have to do with being gay, but I could stand to never hear the phrase “That’s what she said” ever again.
• In a way, I’d like to ask for nothing. I’d like to walk down any street holding my girlfriend’s hand and have it not be a big deal. No hootin’ and hollerin’ from passing cars, no disparaging glances. Just big, fat nothing.
• Finally, could you don some gay apparel? Like, instead of wearing the usual red fuzzy suit and black boots, maybe switch it up and go with some tight designer jeans and a sweater vest? Would you settle for flannel? No? OK.
Equal rights for all and to all a good night. Thanks for everything.
Pam in Kentucky