Bar Belle: Things that make you go grrrr …

Whenever I’m going through an emotional crisis — sometimes known as PMS, which stands for Please Mind Sara (or She’ll Pistol-Whip Your Unborn and Run Over Your Cat) — I lash out at the world in a passive-aggressive fashion. This also happens often when you take my beer away, so consider this a warning. I get angry on the inside, and although I keep everything bottled up like the good little Midwesterner I am, I often let slip a few slapdash insults. In an attempt to keep my job and my friends, I’ve learned to channel the devil’s spit at inanimate objects and Justin Bieber.

Although I’m not a patient of a therapist and I don’t play one on TV (I waterboarded my daddy issues with Jagermeister in college), I figured it might be a good idea to journal some of these thoughts. Who knows, maybe there are other sicksters out there who can relate. It’ll be nice to take a load off my chest for once.

•What’s with this “Glee” shit? I thought I beat those kids up in high school.

•Did you really just use the word “crestfallen”? Did you drop your toothpaste?

•When did Oprah become Jesus?

•If you’re going to send me a press release, it might be a good idea to include the date. Delete.

•The fact that beer has calories is bullshit. Is Eve to blame for this, too?

•When did Bon Jovi turn into the Eagles?

•Hey vegans, do you know how many vegetables had to be ripped, sliced and massacred to make that salad you’re eating? And your farts stink.

•Please tell me all about your injuries on Facebook in between your posts about going to work.

•Teal only looks good on a Smurf. So unless you’re 2 feet tall and fucking Papa, don’t wear it.

•Fat is God’s version of a Snuggie, without the free reading light.

•How come Miley Cyrus is on the radio but The Bangles aren’t?

•All beer is good, no matter if it comes from a small family or an evil empire. Sure beats the hell out of drinking water.

•As a lesbian, I’m tired of feeling guilty for eating at the Mormon-run Chick-fil-A. Can we start something similar to Jews for Jesus? Like, Gays for Fil-As?

•Surprises are fun, but next time, use your fucking turn signal.

•The following sayings are outlawed: Targét, beer-thirty, Penis Thrill, LOL, Sarah Palin, dope, o face, GTL, party foul, Tweet, that’s how I roll, tween, BFF, fucktard, foodie, Crocs

•The following sayings should be used often: yuppie scum, douchebaggery, EAD, tits, snuffleupagus, thrift whore, blumpkin, fun bags, double rainbow, hamster girth, please, thank you, you’re my favorite writer

Around the Horn

A few things to mention: 1) The seventh annual Gettin’ Drunky in Kentucky pub crawl was a success on Saturday. We had around 80-100 people stumbling down Bardstown Road, and only one person tumble out of a grocery cart. 2) In celebration of Bourbon Heritage Month, Impellizzeri’s Pizza is rolling out the Kentucky Bourbon Hot Brown Pizza, merging Four Roses Bourbon with the Hot Brown recipe. The ’za includes chicken, bacon, a Four Roses dijon marinade and lots of cheese and tomatoes. Check out 3) The Kentucky Bourbon Festival is this week (Sept. 15-19) in Bardstown. I’m crashin’ the Gala Saturday night …

Drunk Texts of the Week

•Wearing a baseball hat backward is like wearing a mullet these days.

•she can whack my bush any time

•Uk is feeding us the dick!

•y r they burning Koreans???

•No dicks were eaten in the production of this bar walk.

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