I recently was informed that Louisville has in fact not seceded from the state of Kentucky, despite what your publication reported last year (June 24, 2009). For all these months, I have been walking around with my head held high, thinking I was a proud citizen of the nation’s 51st state. Now, I come to find out it was all a ruse — part of some oh-so clever “Fake Issue” that was filled with utter lies. I was devastated to learn I am still just a Kentuckian. Thanks a lot, LEO. I am so distraught by the news, I might just be able to prove emotional distress — at least that’s what my attorney tells me. Expect to hear from the “Heavy Hitter” any day now.
Finally, in light of learning the truth, I beg of you to please refrain from publishing any future Fake Issues. Not everyone gets the joke, and some people just might take what you say to heart.
Gary B. Gullible, Crescent Hill
Back in Black
For years you kept the fires burning in my black, black heart. You had attitude, you had gumption, you had balls, and you left your mark wherever you went in the form of stained black fingers. I loved fondling your flimsy, cheap newspaper pages every Wednesday. And seeing news, bands, films … even dining photos in black and white made my week. But then you got fancy on us.
You threw away your rags and purchased a flashy fuchsia prom dress. You’re now gallivanting around town in full color, for all of Louisville to behold. You’ve tucked your junk between your legs and took the stage in search of the elusive spotlight. But in all this celebration and showmanship, you’ve lost something — your identity. What the hell are you? A magazine? A newspaper? A form of entertainment? A viable news source?
As a loyal reader, I demand you go back to newsprint immediately. For the sake of your decrepit soul, it’s time to bring back the black. Truth is ugly. If your style of journalism is to represent the truth, then it’s high time to hearken the hideous.
(P.S. I also prefer doing The New York Times crossword on newsprint. My pen smudges on these fancy new pages.)
Harold Blacksmith, Germantown
It was quite a shock to discover several months after the fact that your newspaper still exists after the departure of former editor Stephen George. A friend of mine pointed this out to me at a coffee shop recently, to which I immediately scoffed: Surely LEO could not survive without him (i.e., Stephen George) despite the fact that the paper employs several individuals who are not named “Stephen George” and who presumably perform some non-Stephen George-related task.
If LEO wishes to regain its credibility with the Louisville intelligentsia, however, I strongly recommend that current editor Sarah Kelley change her name to “Stephen George” to eliminate any further confusion along these ends. For that matter, the paper should also pretend that John Yarmuth (aka The First Stephen George) still works there, if only to prevent people from thinking that a 20-year-old publication should undergo change of any kind. Thank you.
Stephen “Stephen George” George, Nashville
Forget Me Not
I’m just writing to remind you I’m not out of office yet. I’ve noticed lately that you haven’t mentioned me all that much in your pages, and quite honestly, I am sort of hurt. Sure, I got angry most of the time when I read what you had to say about my administration. On a few occasions, I might have even cursed your name (especially that Phillip Bailey … he’s so damn nosey). But deep down, I’ve always craved the attention. Now, it just tears me up inside to read about Jim King and David Tandy and all those other aspiring leaders who long to be me.
I know my days here are numbered, but please, I beg of you: Don’t forget me. And tell Phillip to call me.
Mayor Jerry Abramson, Louisville
Dear LEO, you have lost a reader. I put on an event last week that you did not cover in your newspaper. It was a benefit for cats that have lost their fur, which affects .00000000001 percent of the feline population in Louisville. This was an important event that supported an important cause. Instead, you touted local bands, local visual artists and local filmmakers and playwrights doing interesting things. You’re losing your feline fanatic following, starting with me.
Cat Power, Original Highlands
A Lover Scorned
I have a serious problem and was hoping you could help. You see, I recently broke up with my girlfriend after I caught her cheating with my best friend. Specifically, I thought I would surprise her by showing up unannounced with a dozen roses. Big mistake. Upon arriving, I found my friend’s car parked in the driveway. I’ll spare you the remaining pornographic details (she never got that freaky with me). So much for bros over hos, eh? Even after I caught her literally with her pants down, she had the nerve to blame me for her infidelity: “You weren’t emotionally there. You never listen to me. I was lonely. Blah, blah, blah.” Can you believe that shit?
Anyways, I was thinking you could do an exposé about my ex, informing your readers what a heartless hag she really is. I can provide you with ample evidence of her bitchiness, as well as unflattering photos to run with the piece. Oh the stories I could tell. Consider it a public service announcement: Just say no to Allison Runkin … She’s a real hooker!
Jon Fitzpatrick, Fern Creek
They’re Here, They’re Queer
To Whom It May Concern,
I’m sick and tired of seeing all of these queers parading around Bardstown Road and Frankfort Avenue like they don’t have anything to be ashamed of. What is the city coming to when we openly tolerate such hedonistic, self-destructive behaviors? Are we not sewing the seeds of our society’s destruction every time a woman touches another woman in her bathing suit area?
Like the Bible, the Constitution of the United States of America explicitly states (more or less) that “no homosexual can lay with another homosexual, unless they be actors, and in which case they only pretend to like it, unless it’s totally hot.” By tacitly endorsing our society’s gradual acceptance of homosexuality and diversity-in-general, we lose those inherent American traits that once made this a country worth fighting for — things like whiteness, obedience to authority, lack of critical thought and going to church on Sundays. For shame.
Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, Louisville
In Jim Welp’s March 17 piece entitled “Lucky in lunacy,” he ridicules not only the mentally ill, but the illiterate, the inbred and the religiously fanatical. He goes on to criticize what he calls “…our lame-brained and corrupt leaders.” These thinly veiled references to Kentucky’s sitting Senators are outrageous and something up with which I shall not put. I am hereby canceling my subscription to LEO and will, in the future, read only publications that begin with the letter V (like Velocity and The Voice). I hope you are satisfied.
Charlie Baker, Highlands