PRESS RELEASE
To: Local media, national media, international media, the mayor, the president (of the United States), Oprah, LEO higher-ups who are in charge of raises, LEO Inbox Bar-Belle-hater writers, the cast of “Jersey Shore,” Louisville bar owners, my mom, reality show producers, publishing houses, Republicans and Betty White.
Contact: Sara Havens
A&E Editor/Bar Belle
LEO Weekly
301 E. Main St., Ste. 201
Louisville, KY 40202
(502) 895-9770 ext. 225
[email protected]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — Jan. 27, 2010
Bar Belle turns in perfect attendance in 2009!
In the face of naysayers and critics alike, LEO Weekly’s Bar Belle did not miss a day of work in 2009, the Louisville alternative newsweekly reports.
“According to my records, the Bar Belle still had all five of her sick days to use on Dec. 31, 2009,” says LEO accountant Shauna Tolotti. “It’s too bad they don’t roll over. Oh well. Is this coffee fresh? Is it 5 o’clock yet?”
Several LEO employees gave the Bar Belle high fives and fist pumps for a job well done.
“One of my fondest memories of the Bar Belle was her crawling into my office during Derby Week — head down, hands shaking, makeup smeared, hair all a mess,” remembers editorial designer and longtime LEO-ite Ben “Buddy” Schneider. “She pulled down her shirt a bit to reveal a tattoo above her, um, can I say breast? OK, well, she pulled her shirt down and said, ‘Buudhee … I’m not shhhure where I got thisss, but isn’t it cute? I’m gonna go take a nap in my office, please don’t bother me … ever.’ I haven’t really seen her since then.”
Editor Sarah Kelley is happy to have the Bar Belle on her team. “There are days I wish she would have stayed home,” Kelley says. “But I guess that’s what makes her such a commendable trooper — she can copyedit even when she’s green … commas be damned.”
Publisher Pam Brooks believes the Bar Belle is a stand-up employee and admires how she usually keeps to herself: “The Bar Belle? Doesn’t she write for Velocity?”
The Bar Belle hopes special ceremonies, including starring in her own reality TV series, will soon be planned.
“When I look back on the hangovers of 2009, I’m proud to say not one of them got the best of me,” she says. “My mom always told me: ‘Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time — just look at your Uncle Pete,’ and I truly believe that. I have a dream that one day there will be a cure for hangovers. Until then, I will continue to suffer to prove that the human spirit can overcome any shot, cocktail, beer bong, shooter or bomb.”
Her liver was unavailable for comment.
The Bar Belle is available for interviews, lectures, tours, bachelor and bachelorette parties, bar mitzvahs, mentor programs, free dinners and church picnics. Contact her press agent at [email protected].
