Follow-through is not my thing. Which is why I was never good at basketball, the day after a one-night stand or New Year’s resolutions. But my mom wants me to make some, and I’d like to stay in her will, so here’s my stab at it. (She doesn’t really read this column, so I’ll just have to send her the CliffsNotes version.)
I had to start with some research on this absurd tradition, so I went immediately to Wikipedia to, you know, get the real facts. It turns out these ridiculous resolutions are named so because they “normally go into effect on New Year’s Day and remain until fulfilled or abandoned.” My experience is that most get left behind, and not in a weird Christian sci-fi kind of way. I mean, do you really lose all the weight you want if you’re not a contestant on “Biggest Loser”? Can you really save money when a gallon of gas costs more than a Maker’s Mark or when Payless has BOGO sales every other week?
Wiki had even more to say: “Recent research shows that while 52 percent of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12 percent actually achieved their goals.” Ha! There you have it. I don’t know who Recent Research is, but he’s definitely right. I think New Year’s resolutions are like a self-imposed grounding — you’re not only punishing yourself, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You stuck yourself in the corner even though you finished all those goddamn peas! But I digress.
Here are some popular resolutions, and here are my 2 cents. Don’t say I never gave you anything.
Resolution 1: Lose weight. — No beer + no chicken wings + no Dundee Dip – vegetables x no Flanagan’s cheese fries = a life of unhappiness. To paraphrase Julia Roberts in “Steel Magnolias”: I’d rather have seven minutes of beer than a lifetime of Odwalla.
Resolution 2: Get out of debt. — Get more people to buy you drinks.
Resolution 3: Become more organized. — Throw out that Miller Chill.
Resolution 4: Maintain a diary. — “10/5/97: Dear Diary … I had my very first beer today. It was like totally awesome. I promise to write back soon …”
Resolution 5: Save money. — Take advantage of the happy hour specials.
Resolution 6: Improve grades. — I know my ABVs!
Resolution 7: Get a better job. — I’m not good with cards.
Resolution 8: Get fit. — Walk to the bars.
Resolution 9: Eat right. — If eating fried Oreos is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Resolution 10: Get a better education. — Dr. Bar Belle … I like the sound of that.
Resolution 11: Drink less alcohol. — Eat me.
Resolution 12: Quit smoking. — Bum more — you’re not a smoker if you don’t buy cigarettes.
Resolution 13: Reduce stress. — Drink more alcohol.
Resolution 14: Take a trip. — Go on a pub crawl through Ireland.
Resolution 15: Volunteer to help others. — I’ll watch your beer while you pee.
Resolution 16: Be less grumpy. — “Closing time my ass! … Please.”
Resolution 17: Be more independent. — Buy your own fucking beer.
Resolution 18: Learn something new (such as a foreign language or music). — Anyone wanna hear “Stairway to Heaven” on tambourine?
Resolution 19: Drink less caffeine. — Jagerbombs with less Red Bull.
Resolution 20: Time management. — It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.
Resolution 21: Help the poor. — First round is on me!
Drunk Texts of the Week
•“I wanna marinate on you”
•“Wht does a jellyfish eat? Peanutbutter?”
•“Jager is not good for the skin. Ha! I said forskin”
•“if ur not 1st mate on my ship ur only in it for my goodies!”
•“OK. C U N Ten!!!”
• “No L Word at Walmart?? I thought they were into bush here”
•“If there were ever a white, bourbon drinkn oprah u’d be it. I’m hoping any second u are gonna sit down on a plush couch, unzip your havens costume and … bam, u r oprah makin’ my wildest bowling dreams come true!!!”