I use the term “drunks” loosely, because no one wants that label. That’s what your parents call the bums sifting through Dumpsters or your crazy Uncle Pete who says inappropriate things at the Thanksgiving table. But most of us have been intoxicated at one point or another. Most of us can handle our liquor and have a fun, safe and entertaining night out on the town. It’s not scandalous or sinful; it’s just how we blow off the steam of a stressful workweek.

But sometimes emotions can get the best of us, and when mixed with alcohol, something crazy, scary and brash surfaces. Everyone has an off-night — some more than others. Here are profiles of the personalities that surface when good drunks go bad.

 

The Angry Drunk

Keep the bourbon away from this one. They are loud, angry and looking for a fight — perhaps with fists, but mostly with insults or passive-aggressive text messages.

Guilty: I stole a W sticker off my neighbor’s car.

 

The Sad Drunk

So you had a bad day? Remember: Alcohol is a depressant; it’s not going to make you feel better. Most nights out with sorority girls end in tears. If they know what’s good for them, they’ll stay in the corner and nurse a Woodford on the rocks.

Guilty: My dog died, and I spent the evening at a Scott Miller show crying in my beer.

 

The Happy Drunk

This person you want to stay close to, very close. They’re joyful, content and probably have an open tab. They’ll buy the first round, as well as the second, third and fourth. They’re in a good mood — hang out and soak it in.

Guilty: Somehow my friend Kevin and I managed to rake up a tab well over $100 at O’Shea’s once — and no food was on our bill.

 

The Acrobatic Drunk

Spider-Man climbs walls, so why can’t you? Hell if I know, so let’s try it. They scale fences, bars, mechanical bulls and indoor chimneys — all for the amusement of onlookers.

Guilty: Let’s just say I have one ankle that I manage to sprain every three months or so, be it running through a cemetery, dancing in a pool of foam or stumbling down the sidewalk.

 

The Multiple-Personality Drunk

Isn’t it funny how Sally Shy Girl magically turns into Patty Party Animal after two Jagerbombs? It’s true, drinking breaks you out of your shell — and for some people, it is the only time they can truly say what’s on their mind without second-guessing, doubting or over-thinking. Stand back and let them be who they wish they were.

Guilty: I invented this. Anyone run into Sarah lately?

 

The Novice Drunk

Steer clear — they’re about to blow. No matter how many times they drink, you always end up seeing their stomach’s contents by the end of the night. These people are usually skinny and prefer vodka sodas because — God forbid — they gain weight that could actually help them hold their liquor. Don’t drink and diet.

Guilty: I was a freshman in college once, OK? Found out the hard way that Ice 101, tequila, keg stands, Jell-O shots, Smirnoff vodka and strawberry daiquiris don’t mix well.

 

The Horny Drunk

Making out is fun, but making out with everyone in the bar is slutty. These jungle cats have one thing on their mind, and they’re on the hunt. Alcohol keeps ’em fast and loose, in more ways than one. Holler!

Guilty: It’s tacky, sure. But who hasn’t made out at (or on) a bar? On a dance floor? In a car? Bathroom stall? Back Door booth? Wait … where am I going with this?

 

The Contemplative Drunk

I’m a sucker for deep discussion, so I like being around these guys. Sometimes other herbal substances come into play, but these drunks just want to solve the world’s problems in 10 minutes. Politics, religion, Sarah Palin as the antichrist — it’s all up for discussion.

Guilty: I once spent an hour trying to figure out if a Dorito was Mexican or Italian. Can’t remember what I decided.

 

Check out my daily reasons to drink at barbelle.leoweekly.com