* “Only a good-for-nothing is not interested in his past.” — Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis
Every once in awhile, a year comes along that fills our hearts with joy and wonder. Artistic expression flourishes, the people prosper, and nobody takes a face full of birdshot from the Vice President of the United States. Ladies and gentlemen, 2006 was not that kind of year.
It was a year of $3-per-gallon gas, daily carnage in Iraq and the sobering reality that one of the year’s best movies was a PowerPoint slideshow. Kentuckians enjoyed the ongoing comedy stylings of The Fletcher administration. The Kennedy Bridge sprouted another five o’clock shadow of rust. And the continuing blitz of offerings from iPod, YouTube, MySpace and X-Box ensured that nobody in America ever talked to anyone else face to face.
There were bright spots, though. Voters made their voices heard loud and clear at the polls. The football Cards went 11-1 and landed a spot in the Orange Bowl. A meth-and-sex scandal crammed a sock in the pieholes of America’s evangelicals. And we got rid of one of the most annoying women in Kentucky politics (but we won’t go there — surely Ms. Seum Stephenson has suffered enough).
How well were you paying attention in 2006? Let’s find out with the annual LEO year-end quiz:
CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE QUIZ: LEO 2006 Not Good For Nothing Quiz
Our Zany World and Nation
Match the newsmaker to the news:
1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
2. Patricia Dunn
3. Muqtada al-Sadr
4. Mark Foley
5. Harry Whittington
6. Angela Merkel
A) The 78-year-old attorney who took a face full of birdshot from the gun of drinking buddy Dick Cheney
B) The nuke-hungry, mirror image of George W. Bush who is cowboy president of Iran
C) Former U.S. lawmaker who found fame turning over pages
D) Charismatic-Shi’a-chubster cleric who can’t quite decide if he’s for or against the new Iraqi government
E) German Chancellor who fought off an inappropriate shoulder love- noogie from George W. Bush
F) Former Hewlett-Packard executive charged with four felony indictments in the company’s identity-theft scandal
7. The planet Pluto was downgraded from a noun to a verb in 2006. In pop vernacular, what does it mean when you’ve been “plutoed?”
A) voted off a TV reality show
B) lost your access to Insightbb e-mail
C) shot in the face by Dick Cheney
D) dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend
8. Who famously planned a premature $20 million party, inviting national ridicule?
A) U of L athletic director Tom Jurich, to celebrate a national football championship
B) Former U.S. Rep. Anne Northup, to celebrate her victory over John Yarmuth
C) Justin Timberlake, to celebrate his successful retrieval of sexy
D) Sen. Mitch McConnell, to celebrate the end of the Iraq war
9. Which of the following is not a euphemism used by the Bush administration?
A) “sectarian violence” for civil war
B) “low food security” for hunger
C) “alternative interrogation techniques” for torture
D) “an honest accident” for getting drunk and shooting a friend in the face
E) “butter the whisker biscuit” for abstinence
10. Hundreds of thousands of people marched on Washington, D.C., Louisville and dozens of other cities in April to show support for what cause?
A) Jews for Jesus
B) the right to get liquored up and shoot lawyers in the face
D) the Union of Stem-Cell-Loving, Organic, Gay, Fetus-Aborting, Carbon-Neutral, Atheist Scientists
E) smokers’ rights
11. Who said, “The devil came here yesterday, and it smells of sulfur still today.”
A) Wanda Brown, an Oldham County resident who narrowly survived a bout with e.coli-tainted spinach
B) Katharine Armstrong, the Corpus Christi Caller-Times reporter who broke the story about Vice President Dick Cheney getting a buzz on and blasting his buddy in the face with birdshot, in an interview with Larry King
C) Rocco Muscatelli, cellmate of former lobbyist and fedora-wearer Jack Abramoff at the Federal Correctional Institute in Maryland
D) Venezuelan President and Beelzebub expert Hugo Chavez, speaking about President Bush in an address to the United Nations
12. According to a November report by the journal Science, 90 percent of what will be gone by 2048?
A) People who’ve read a novel
B) American troops from Iraq
C) All maritime life forms
D) People of European descent from the United States
Closer to home
13. A worker at an Adair County juvenile detention center was acquitted of having sexual contact with one of the center’s boys.
What was the worker’s peculiar name?
A) Charles Boney
B) Hugh Jerry Hola
C) Petal Feelia
D) Anita Johnson
14. Dan Holden, a Stuart Middle School social-studies teacher, got in hot water for what?
A) tossing a sack of White Castles to a hungry pack of obese students
B) teaching a lesson on “intelligent design”
C) burning two American flags in his classroom to demonstrate freedom of speech
D) posting an illegal copy of the Snoop Dogg hit “Let’s Get Blown” on his MySpace page
15. Arthur Hoyte is:
A) a physician who sued KFC for using trans fat in its chicken
B) a Churchill Downs shareholder who organized a Derby Day protest against the track for renaming the Derby “The Kentucky Derby presented by Yum Brands”
C) an animal-rights activist who released a video of KFC workers torturing chickens
D) a cable-TV gourmand who called out KFC for having the temerity to compile fried chicken, potatoes, gravy, corn and processed cheese into “Famous Bowls of Slop”
E) a graphic artist sued by KFC after posting online a cartoon image of a morbidly obese Colonel Sanders wearing nothing but an apron
F) an anti-globalization activist who maintains a blog about KFC’s predatory practices in China
G) a frustrated activist who set up a makeshift camp outside Yum headquarters, declaring “dibs on KFC’s next atrocity”
16. Many experts credited Republican Congresswoman Anne Northup’s loss to Democrat John Yarmuth to what?
A) her woefully outdated hairdo
B) the fact that her call for Donald Rumsfeld to resign alienated her pro-torture base
C) her voice, which polls showed was .001% more annoying than Yarmuth’s
D) an 11th-hour YouTube video, in which she repeatedly referred to the LEO staff as “Macacas”
E) getting fuschnickered and shooting a fellow hunter in the face
17. Researchers at U of L made a major medical breakthrough by repairing spinal tissue in rats using adult stem cells they harvested from what plentiful commodity?
A). My Morning Jacket hair
B) the pungent, commingled pheromones wafting off post-interview Terry Meiners and Rick Pitino
C) Dan Slime
D) nasal tissue
E) bridge rust
18. Spot the fake news item:
A) McCracken County Schools fired a teacher for previously appearing in porn films
B) On “Diversity Day,” Gov. Fletcher removed language from Kentucky’s affirmative-action plan that protects state workers from being discriminated against based on their sexual orientation
C) Six Lexington police officers were disciplined after bragging on MySpace about arresting the country music star John Michael Montgomery for DUI
D) A Louisville police SUV with rifles and body armor was stolen from a police officer’s driveway and recovered later, minus the weapons
E) Creationists in Northern Kentucky began construction of a $25 million “museum” that will present the history of a 6,000-year-old world based upon a literal interpretation of Genesis and feature exhibits showing Adam and Eve cohabitating with dinosaurs
F) None of the above
19. The kinky Christian lunatic Hershael York, a professor at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, referred to what as “a full- frontal assault on Christianity” and a “cultural Khmer Rouge”?
A) Indiana’s move to Daylight Savings Time
C) Louisville’s patriotic “Holiday tree,” dubbed “Pride of America”
D) the Kentucky Board of Education’s decision to add BCE and CE to the public schools’ program of studies
20. A national chain announced it would spend $8.7 million to build a 165,000-square-foot operation center in Bullitt County that will employ 550 new workers named after what annoying group of people?
A) Fatsos for Forklifts, which will employ obese people to test the strength of industrial equipment
B) Geek Squad City, which will employ IT professionals at its computer repair facility
C) Yo Mama So Ugly, a chain-hospital specializing in cosmetic surgery and employing plastic surgeons
D) Lawyers R Us (no explanation needed)
Media in the Metro and Beyond
Identify: A) dead, B) alive or C) Scientologist
21) Barry Bernson
22) Betty Friedan
23) Greta Van Susteren
24) Andy Rooney
25) Barry Bingham, Jr.
26. Who said this about George W. Bush: “I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound — with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.”
A) Anne Northup, in a clumsy response to an unexpected question about Bush from WAVE-3 news anchor Scott Reynolds during a debate with John Yarmuth
B) Rush Limbaugh, during an on-air experiment with angel dust
C) Stephen Colbert, during a speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner
D) Michael D. “Heckuvajob Brownie” Brown
27. Who is hotter?
A) the real Katie Couric
B) the photo-shopped Katie Couric
28. Who are Chad Hurley and Steve Chen?
A) former “Log Cabin Republicans” who turned on their party and started the “Tastefully Decorated Loft Apartment Libertarians,”
helping to turn the tide in the fall elections
B) WTFX “The Fox Rocks” radio shock jocks who removed an article of clothing via Web cam each time the U of L football team scored a touchdown
C) the creators of YouTube, who sold their company to Google for
29. Who famously said, “Oh, that’s a no-no. I don’t know where that hand’s been, honey.”
A) Congressional candidate and South End hater John Yarmuth, to a South Ender as she reached out to shake his hand
B) Fox 41’s Candyce Clifft in an interview with David Savage, a Michigan man who became the nation’s third hand-transplant recipient, at Jewish Hospital
C) exuberant talk-show host Kelly Ripa to exuberant homosexual-but- doesn’t-know-it Clay Aiken, when Aiken tried to put his hand over Ripa’s mouth because she wouldn’t shut up
D) Taco Bell customers, to Taco Bell
30. About what Fox News controversy did News Corp Chairman Rupert Murdoch say, “We are sorry for any pain this has caused?”
A) an episode of “The Family Guy” in which Peter attempts to convert Chris to Judaism in the hope that it’ll make him more financially successful
B) an internal Fox News memo to editorial staffers instructing on how to slant the post-election news that said, “Let’s be on the lookout for any statements from the Iraqi insurgents who must be thrilled at the prospect of a Dem-controlled Congress”
C) the canceled TV special/confession “If I Did It,” in which O.J.
Simpson was to explain how he
slaughtered Ron Goldman and Nichole Brown Simpson
D) filming a pilot episode of “Trading Species” in which a husband from Southern Indiana swaps places with a barnyard ram, also from Southern Indiana
E) Murdoch’s entire life’s work up to this point
Entertainment and Art
31) What was not present at the grand opening of Hotel 21C on Main Street?
A) rich people wearing ugly pajamas
B) a performance artist living in an 8 x 5-foot storefront window for a week
C) Cirque du Soleil acrobats performing on Main Street
D) an artist finger-painting a picture of Madonna while dancing to her music
E) the hit of acid normally required to see all that other shit
32. Fourth Street Live! made headlines when:
A) Columnist William Safire ridiculed the complex in a diatribe about the inappropriate use of exclamation points
B) a group of African-American customers sued the company after denied entry to one of its establishments
C) movie star “Borat” filmed a segment there in which a group of frat boys estimated that women’s brains are “about the size of squirrel brain”
Identify: A) igneous; B) sedimentary; or C) Rolling?
Match the bigot with his excuse:
39. Mel Gibson
40. Michael Richards
41. Pope Benedict XVI
42. George Allen
43. Ted Haggard
A) His quotation of a 14th century emperor was intended for academic discussion only
C) self-loathing, plus crystal meth and the glory hole
E) He was misunderstood by people outside the “real world of Virginia”
44. Who is “Lonelygirl15”?
A) the Wonkette blogger who replaced Ana Marie Cox, after Cox sold out and moved to Time magazine
B) a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto-Galilee who falls in love with a messiah character
C) Jessica Rose, the overnight Web acting sensation and breakout star on YouTube, which some predict signals the death of television
D) Lance Bass’ AIM screen name
Match the birth name to the bio:
45. Vincent Furnier
46. George Alan O’Dowd
47. Paul David Hewson
48. Robert Allen Zimmerman
49. Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz
A) He’s a goofy 1970s rock star who warmed up a soggy Churchill Downs Rolling Stones crowd by singing with a straight face, “I’m a boy and I’m a man. I’m 18 and I like it”
B) He’s a Nobel Peace Prize nominee and sunglasses-wearing Africa saver
C) He’s a satellite radio DJ, iPod spokesgeezer and surprising artist of one of the year’s best albums
D) He’s a celebrity/NYC garbage collector
E) He’s the host of the 2006 Oscars and the man from whom young people get their news
50. Who sang, “Let’s impeach the president for lyin’/and leading our country into war?”
A) The Dixie Chicks in their Grammy-nominated “Not Ready to Make Nice”
B) Neil Young, in his protest masterpiece “Living With War”
C) The Flaming Lips in their infectious “At War with the Mystics”
D) Ben Harper in his soulful “Both Sides of the Gun”
E) Dick Cheney and the Jager Bombs in their AM-radio hit, “Gun (Shootcha Face)”
The Weird, Weird World of Sports
51. Who said, “You have given me your shoulders to stand on, to reach for my dreams, dreams I could have never reached without you”?
A) U.S. Olympic snowboarding star Shaun White to his marijuana dealer
B) Louisville Arena Authority chairman Jim Host to The Courier- Journal editorial board
C) Louisville jeweler Bruce Gumer to judge Anne Haynie, who ruled that Gumer was the rightful owner of 400 Derby and Oaks tickets
D) Andre Agassi in an emotional center-court farewell to tennis fans at the U.S. Open
Match the loser to the news:
52. Zinedine “Zizou” Zidane
53. Ben Roethlisberger
54. Ron Artest
A) habitual NBA brawler who elbowed a player in the head and threatened to kill another one for becoming a free agent
B) quarterback who teased Darwin but survived a motorcycle crash while not wearing a helmet
C) French footballer who head-butted himself and his team out of the World Cup after an opposing player insulted his sister
55. Which “sport” did not appear on ESPN in 2006?
A) competitive eating
F) swimsuit competition
G) projectile-distance vomiting
Official Rules for the LEO 2006 Not-Good-For-Nothing Quiz
1. The contest runs through Tuesday, Jan. 2, 2007. All entries must be submitted via https://www.leoweekly.com/leo_2006_quiz/, by 9 a.m. on Tuesday, Jan. 2.
Entries received after the deadline don’t count and will be forwarded to Dick “Dick” Cheney for inclusion in your CIA file.
2. Only one answer allowed per question. Multiple answers don’t count.
3. Entries must include participant’s name, address and daytime phone number. An e-mail address, if available, is also suggested with the entry. Entries without name, address and phone number will be ignored.
4. Only one submission per person.
5. Winners will be chosen in a random drawing from all entries with the most correct answers. LEO will notify winners via phone or e-mail on Jan. 2, and winners will be identified in our Jan. 3 issue.
Correct answers will be published on Jan. 3.
6. The prizes:
First place: $50 gift certificate from Red Tree, four tickets to Asylum Street Spankers at the Kentucky Center and dinner for four at Jenicca’s Café and Wine Bar
Second place: Dinner for two at Mitchell’s Fish Market, two passes to Actors Theatre’s production of “9 Parts of Desire”
Third place: Two tickets to Louisville Ballet’s production of “Uncharted Realms”
7. LEO is not responsible for entries that are late, misdirected, lost, garbled, incoherent or otherwise unintelligible, including any caused by computer or network malfunction or congestion (including at LEO). Such entries don’t count.
8. Play hard and have fun.