Somewhere in the vast state of Texas, Scott Carney and Jim “The Tornado” James sat down to discuss their likes, their dislikes and the superpowers they wish they had …
SC: It’s me, Scott Carney, here talking with Jimmy J. Alright, we’ve got some questions, Jim’s got some answers. You ready? You ready for this Beyonce? So Jim, what do you want to be when you grow up?
JJ: I want to be a producer of fake bologna.
SC: A producer of fake bologna? That’s awesome. Well that was my first question. Let’s go to No. 2: 2006 will go down in history as the year I went to Kentucky Kingdom not three times, but twice. If you were an amusement park ride, what kind of ride would you be?
JJ: I’d probably be like the Tornado at the Kingdom. Is that what it’s called, The Funnel?
SC: Yeah, yeah, we saw one of those on the drive here actually.
JJ: Another one?
SC: Yeah. I don’t know if it was called the Tornado, but … it was Tornado-ish.
JJ: You know the ones where … The Spider? Spins around with a bunch of different things? I rode one of those with my grandpa.
SC: Alright, here we go: Yes or no?
JJ: ’Cause it’s positive
SC: Positive is good. OK question No. 4: We’ve lost many things on the road this tour: wallets, shoes, friends, pets; tell me what is the one thing that you’ve lost that you would give anything to get back?
JJ: Tears …
SC: Tears? Sweet.
JJ: Crocodile tears …
SC: On the subject of loss, where do you suppose one’s virginity goes when you lose it?
JJ: It goes up your ass.
SC: OK, here we go, question number … something: Someone recently told me a tr…
JJ: Up your ass.
SC: Up my ass?
JJ: Not just anybody’s ass.
SC: OK, sweet.
JJ: It all goes up your ass.
SC: So, virginity, when lost, goes up Scott Carney’s ass.
SC: Yes. Everyone’s virginity is in my ass, as we speak. How does it feel? That will be for the next interview. Someone recently told me a true story about a person diagnosed with schizophrenia, who believed he had the superhuman abilities to both stare at the sun for an extended period of time without going blind, and also, while doing so, to see the wind. Do either of these superpowers appeal to you?
JJ: They really do appeal to me. We were just watching … have you seen “What the Bleep Do (We) Know?” Have you read that book or seen the movie? It’s just talking about quantum physics, and it’s about how you can do anything that you believe if you believe in it enough, but they were talking about …
SC: Strength of will …
JJ: Exactly, like trying to walk on water or stare at the sun without going blind. And if you can believe in it enough — nobody can, except for Jesus — but if you believe it enough, then anything is possible. But we’ve got so much negativity in our brains, that if you just say to yourself, ‘I can walk on water’ and you try walking out, that’s just a little swath of positivity over all the negativity that’s already there. So both those superpowers really appeal to me.
SC: Good answer. Well-rounded. Quick, what number am I thinking of?
SC: That was good. You were right on. You were recently overheard saying that every man looks his best in his God-given beard. What if that man was a woman?
JJ : I think it can apply to women, too. Sometimes, dudes that are real svelte and good-looking kind of look like women anyway. So I think they look more attractive, too. Most women can’t grow the beard that they wish they could.
SC: I’ve known some, too. That really had a better beard than most of my friends.
JJ: You bringing yours out?
SC: I am currently working on my My Morning Jacket memorial beard. Hopefully it will be ready by Thanksgiving. We’ll see. (Pauses) Here we go … I’m going to skip that question … Scientists have concluded that zombies will walk the earth. How do you intend to survive?
JJ: I won’t survive.
SC: You won’t survive.
JJ: I won’t survive. I’ll be among the first dead.
SC: You don’t have a zombie survival plan?
JJ: Nope I’ll be one of the first to be killed.
SC: That’s a shame.
JJ: Although I did practice at the 2005 zombie attack.
SC: I miss those every year.
JJ: I’ll definitely be one of the first killed; zombies are really attracted to me.
SC: I have zombie dreams a lot, so I’m prepared.
JJ: What are you gonna do?
SC: I’m gonna fuckin’ run. Like a motherfucker. It’s funny because pre-remake “Dawn of the Dead,” I had a surefire plan. I was living in Pittsburgh and my Pittsburgh friend …
JJ: Pittsburgh’s scary.
SC: It is scary. Well it’s the coincidental home of zombies with George Romero and the first “Night of the Living Dead” being made there. “Dawn of the Dead,” the original, was filmed at the Monroeville Mall outside Pittsburgh.
SC: So Pittsburgh has a lot of zombie heritage.
JJ: That’s a weird coincidence.
JJ: I never knew that.
SC: So a roommate of mine who I was living with at the time had an arsenal of guns, so my dream was that the zombies would come back to life, and we’d just sit on the roof and pick ’em off and drink and it would be awesome. But the “Dawn of the Dead” remake came out, and the zombies run after you, and it freaked me out, and now my plans are really scattered. I think the thing to do is run. You try to stay quiet, move only at night. Get upstairs, block all …
JJ: Right, all doors.
SC: … entrances. Really if zombies run, we’re fucked.
JJ: I know.
SC: If zombies walk, it’ll be pretty awesome.
JJ: Unless you can become one of them, then it’s sweet.
JJ: If you don’t lose your head.
SC: It’s true.
JJ: Pittsburgh is scary.
SC: Pittsburgh is indeed scary. I know we’re not supposed to talk about music, but isn’t it just like the media to try to restrict our freedom of speech. So, on that, if you were a Led Zeppelin album, which one would you be?
JJ: I’d definitely be Physical Graffiti, Disc 2.
JJ: Or Led Zeppelin III, but probably … it’s tough, definitely Led Zeppelin III or Physical Graffiti disc 2.
SC: Physical Graffiti’s my personal pick. The University of Louisville basketball team is gearing up for a new season. What are your feelings about this year’s team?
JJ: I enjoy watching University of Louisville basketball with friends at bars, cuz it’s a good community activity. Other than that, I really don’t usually get too into sports. But I like the community of laughing and yelling. What are your feelings?
SC: I’m excited about it as always. There’s always that promise of freshman recruits that are gonna …
JJ: … take us to the top …
SC: … be awesome, but at the same time, they’re freshmen, and they’ll probably gonna pee their pants or something.
JJ: You never know though, sometimes freshmen have the best ability, to go for it because they want it.
SC: If not this year, then maybe next year.
JJ: Are you a big fan? Do you keep track?
SC: I don’t really keep track as much as I should, but I hear things from my friends, and it makes me happy to hear positive things.
JJ: Lots of people are big fans. When I was a kid, I didn’t realize that people who were into music could also be into sports.
SC: Me too. I was the same way.
JJ: Why is that? Why is it that we don’t think that’s possible?
SC: I think it’s because when you’re a teenager, being in high school — especially a high school that we went to that’s so geared toward one thing or the other — you can’t be both. I played football for a while and played music. Then I had an injury and couldn’t play football anymore. Not that I really wanted to continue playing because it was pretty stupid.
SC: Well the game isn’t very stupid, I guess, I had fun playing the game, but the competitiveness.
JJ: Yes. But everything’s competitive in a way, though. Everything’s kind of like football.
SC: It is, only if you make it.
JJ: Yeah, exactly. You have more control.
SC: What don’t you want for Christmas?
JJ: I’m usually pretty much into anything, but …
SC: Well, gifts are gifts. There’s something to be said about gift giving.
JJ: I don’t want anything that I can’t get rid of.
SC: Like an elephant?
JJ: Or herpes.
SC: Herpes you can … well, no you can’t. Athlete’s foot?
JJ: You can get rid of athlete’s foot.
SC: But it comes back.
JJ: That’s true.
SC: Unless you pee on your feet. A lot.
JJ: I pee a lot in the shower so that’ll probably take care of it.
SC: It works actually, it really does. Every time I’ve had athlete’s foot, you pee on your feet, it goes away.
JJ: You probably got that a lot playing football.
SC: It comes back but, you know … Chris Rock made a good point one year on one of his shows where he said, how are they going to find a cure for AIDS when they can’t cure athlete’s foot?
JJ: Wow. You just pour ’Tussin on it. Did you see that, when he was talking about ’Tussin? His daddy used to try and cure everything with ’Tussin. He’s like, “Daddy I cut my foot!” “Just pour some ’Tussin on it.” “Daddy I’m sick.” “Take some ’Tussin!” You probably got athlete’s foot a lot in the locker rooms playing football.
SC: I just have had it for a long time.
JJ: You still have it?
SC: My feet are the one part of my body I don’t get to wash very often. I’m just too lazy to get down there.
JJ: Everybody’s that way.
SC: I just don’t get to them. Alright, lightning round. Ready?
SC: These are pretty quick questions. So we’ll try to go at ’em like (snaps fingers). Puppies or kittens?
SC: Gandalf, grey or white?
SC: Boxers or briefs?
SC: Pilgrims or Indians?
SC: Yeah. Turkey: friend or foe?
JJ: Turkey’s been a friend for a long time.
SC: The dirty bird. Pitino or Petrino?
JJ: I forget who Petrino is.
SC: He’s the football coach.
JJ: Pitino, I guess.
SC: Yeah, Pitino. People who didn’t vote for Jerry Abramson: Taxpayers, or naysayers?
JJ: That’s a tough thing. I have neither a love nor a hate relationship for Jerry Abramson, so I’ll post a no comment on that one.