DIRTY ROCK ’N’ ROLL 101 – Weird musical advice for the kids: Urban guerillas

‘Dirty’ Dave Johnson

‘Dirty’ Dave Johnson

WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF GASOLINE, OH MY! Damn the price of gas. Damn it to hell fire for eternity. It makes being a musician a complete bitch. No one wants to pay you what you’re worth these days, much less the inflation of gas for your 1984 Ford Econoline that sucks it down like water. And sucks it even faster with your equipment in it. All these people who are saying we’re running out of oil are causing the prices to go up even higher. The truth is, the Earth could almost never run out of fuel. There are enough hydrocarbons, if the oil is pulled away from sand and rock, to fuel the Earth for trillions of years. And with the price of liquid fuel going up, we might as well start filtering the hydrocarbons.
Anyway, I’ve found that where there is a will, there is a way. If you can rent a car for $25 and then just borrow your friend’s band’s guitar cabinets in another city, you will make it. Return the trade, and this will save money for your fuel and complete your mission for the glory of rock ’n’ roll.

CANOEING IN A GUITAR CABINET. Louisville has one of the lowest costs of living in the country, but you can always find those who want to rape your wallet because they’re aware of local music. They buy space and overcharge for a practice room. These “practice pads” also usually go down in tragedy because one asshole fucks it all up for everyone else. Storage spaces in the area are completely unaware that you will be picking up that axe after business hours and are usually half the price of an official practice room, and some even have climate control, or air conditioning.
Avoid basements in the Ohio Valley, as they will destroy your equipment with the quickness and dampness of Poseidon. Not to mention your asshole neighbors, who have no care for the arts and call Johnny Law on you all the time.

NO SUCH THING AS BAD PRESS. You can make more fliers than the circus. You can make them big (some people can’t see well), black and white (cheaper) and attention-getting (obviously). But where do you hang them?
For a city supposedly giving attention to local music, people sure are bitches about hanging fliers on Bardstown Road. Don’t do it, unless spending a morning in court is worth it. And it’s usually not. But if you do end up in court over it, please, by all means, bring up that flier of Max the missing dog or the Yard Sale on Baxter Avenue. Ask why those responsible for the yard sale don’t get harassed, and the judge will likely drop the charge.
That still doesn’t protect you from Louisville’s finest, and they will kick your ass for just about anything, including nothing at all. Fortunately, we have record stores and businesses with bulletin boards for local music, so take advantage. And don’t get caught handing out fliers in bars where your show is not going to take place — bar owners get pissy about it. You are technically trying to steal and solicit their alcoholics.
Speaking of pissy, put that flier in the bottom of that bar’s urinal. No one will remove it and it will be implanted into the brain of all the boozers who look down while taking a leak. They’ll remember that there’s a band playing next weekend at another bar — all the more reason to get drunk again.

The writer plays guitar and sings in The Glasspack, an unforgiving rock outfit based here. His column will run the third week of every month. Contact him at [email protected]