Rust limbo
Transportation officials dropped plans to paint the Kennedy Bridge three colors and instead decided to go with taupe (which is gay speak for “light brown”). The painting is scheduled to be completed sometime between now and 10 years after the rusty expanse finally crumbles into the Ohio River. Meanwhile, the Waterfront Development Corp. announced that the earthen spiral ramp planned for the Big Four pedestrian bridge would be replaced by a steel ramp because officials have discovered that earth doesn’t rust.

KFC you in the cardiac ward
The last human on earth to learn that KFC is unhealthy has been identified. A Washington, D.C., physician named Arthur Hoyte sued Yum! Brands for using trans fat in its chicken. Hoyte, who apparently wasn’t paying attention the roughly 789 times the company has been caught fudging the truth about its food (including the audacious 2003 ad campaign suggesting that fried chicken is actually diet food), claims he wouldn’t have eaten it if he’d known about his drumstick’s partial hydrogenation.

United we stand
Marriage’s sanctity took another devastating blow as the Louisville gay community gathered for the third annual Kentuckiana Pride Festival. Eschewing too-obvious locations like Manslick Road or Rainbow Drive or Transgender Parkway, gays and lesbians and their families and loved ones paraded down Market and Main streets to the Belvedere to prove to the world that they’re just like everybody else, except with better fashion sense.

How not to act
The World Series of Video Games (and aren’t video games just the perfect symbol of everything that’s wrong with our society, from their shameless celebration of violence, weapons, misogyny and war to social retardation, couch-potatoism, alienation from nature and poor hygiene?) took place at the Convention Center. The event, which drew hundreds of professional gamers, featured a special Get-Wrapped-Up-in-Resident-Evil-and-Fail-to-Notice-Your-Baby-is-Drowning Father’s Day tournament.

BY JIM WELP
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