What a Week

Dull man walking
Governor Ernie Fletcher was indicted in connection with the merit-system scandal that’s plagued most of his term. The misdemeanor charges include criminal conspiracy, misconduct, political discrimination and getting the verbs in his promises to “end waste, fraud and abuse” and “restore hope” backwards. The charges stem from accusations of political shenanigans at the Transportation Cabinet, an agency that coincidentally announced it is once again accepting bids to paint the Kennedy Bridge, a seven-year, $23-million failed project that has exhausted both the nation’s supply of bridge painters and the repertoires of local joke writers. If convicted, the governor faces a year in the pokey. On the bright side, his re-election campaign can save money by not having to come up with new slogans.

Revenge of the nerds
It was a big consolation week for those who have a hard time getting laid. Retailer Best Buy announced Geek Squad City, a nerd ghetto coming to Bullitt County that will hire 550 techies who will repair computers, drink Red Bull and argue about old “Battlestar Galactica” episodes. Meanwhile, the National Science Foundation announced it will convene a conference in Louisville, and the Intel Science Fair awarded prizes to some of the area’s loneliest students. Perhaps the dweeb infusion can lend a hand to InsightBB, which left most of its Louisville subscribers without porn and e-mail for much of the week due to an “upgrade.”

Marketing weenies gone wild
“We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Turn Signals” and “Desperately Trying To Knock The Chip Off Our Shoulder” are among slogans for Louisville you might suggest by visiting BrandGreaterLouisville.com, a Web site that invites public participation in a new branding effort. The site is part of the Greater Louisville Branding Project, which hopes to come up with a new Louisville identity that’s as lampoonable as Kentucky’s “Unbridled Spirit” slogan, which has been successfully rearranged into both “blue did i strip” and “inbred slut” on area bumper stickers.

Hoosier daddy
In a stunning upset, Indiana Senate candidate Greg Walker defeated longtime Hoosier Senate President Robert Garton in the Republican primary. Walker (R – Taliban), ran on a campaign of “compassionate flogging.” He wants Indiana to publicly whip people convicted of minor crimes, citing the “inspired word of God” as his motivation. Many Hoosiers expressed outrage at the extreme position, while those who desperately miss Bobby Knight welcomed the idea with warm nostalgia.
[email protected]