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March 30, 2011

Fake Issue: Ask a dead Louisvillian

As a public service, Summary of My Discontent invited a select panel of dead Louisvillians to answer questions from readers.

Dear George Rogers Clark: I think my husband is cheating on me. He’s routinely late coming home, he’s always on Facebook, and I recently discovered his penis inside another woman. Is it safe to fertilize my vegetable garden with compost the cat pooped in? —CD, Crescent Hill
Dear CD: I never in my life felt such a flow of rage — to be wandering in a country where every nation of Indians could raise three or four times our number, and a certain loss of our enterprise by the enemies getting timely notice. I was in a moment determined to put the guide to death if he did not find his way that evening. I told him his doom. —GRC

Dear Hunter S. Thompson: I’m a female high school teacher. I recently bought some beer and hooked up with one of my male students in a handicapped parking spot at a park. Was that wrong or awesome? —CS, Louisville
Dear CS: If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die. —HST

Dear John James Audubon: Do these pants make my butt look big? —LM, Old Louisville
Dear LM: I wish I had eight pairs of hands, and another body to shoot the specimens. —JJA

Dear President Zachary Taylor: My husband recently commented that I remind him of my mother. Can you discuss the pros and cons of burial vs. cremation? —CW, Highlands
Dear CW: It would be judicious to act with magnanimity toward a prostrate foe. —ZT

Dear Col. Harland Sanders: I gave up a lucrative career as a Middle East tyrant, and now I’m starting to have second thoughts. Sure, I’m still a billionaire, but I miss oppressing the people. Is Abilify right for me? —HM, Sharm el-Sheikh
Dear HM: Don’t be against things so much as for things. —HS

Dear Thomas A. Edison: Even though my health insurance is costing me a fortune, my insurance company has denied my last three claims. How much time is too much time to spend masturbating to Internet porn? —PJ, Middletown
Dear PJ: Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. —TAE

Dear Johnny Unitas: Man, isn’t duct tape fuckin’ amazing? Just this week, I patched the hole in my Jeff Gordon travel mug, made a new shower curtain, and replaced the grip on my 357 Smith & Wesson. Is there anything this shit can’t do? —DH, Fairdale
Dear DH: Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. —JU

Dear Wilson Pickett: My boyfriend likes to be strangled during sex. Should I upgrade to the iPhone 4? —SB, Lyndon
Dear SB: I’m gonna wait till the midnight hour. That’s when my love comes tumblin’ down. I’m gonna wait till the midnight hour. When there’s no one else around. I’m gonna take you girl and hold you. And do all the things I told you. In the midnight hour. Yes I am. Oh, yes I am. —WP

Dear Pee Wee Reese: There’s this chick at work who’s totally hot, but I’m not sure she’s into dudes. Do you think the Roth IRA is a good investment option for me? —WR, St. Matthews
Dear WR: I used to tell Jackie sometimes when they were throwing at him, “Jackie, they aren’t throwing at you because you are black. They are throwing at you because they don’t like you.” —PWR

Dear Henry Watterson: Like many rich men my age, I’m opposed to excessive government spending. Also, my poo never seems to go away, even after three flushes. To compensate, should I run for president? —RP, Bowling Green
Dear RP: The fight between capital and labor is on. No one can predict where it will end. Shall it prove another irrepressible conflict? Are its issues irreconcilable? Must the alternative of the future lie between socialism and civil war, or both? Progress! Progress! —HW