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October 20, 2010

I hear there’s an opening

Friends, I’m happy to announce that I’m entering the mayoral race as a write-in candidate. I know it’s late, but I’m generally a little late anyway, and this way everyone can get used to my habitual tardiness.

My platform? Well, my politics and mood are about as predictable as the frayed, sparking end of a downed LG&E power line and really depend on whether I’ve had breakfast, if I’ve been listening to country or classical, Limbaugh or Terry Gross, and the status of any NCAA probes into the Men’s Cardinal Basketball program.

For today, I’m running as a secretly superstitious but outwardly rational, eco-fair-weather-friendly, Catholic-educated, secular-humanist college dropout who, while fiscally conservative when I’ve actually got money, enjoys the spirited excitement of off-track betting facilities, long walks in our historic parks and takes a “wait and see” attitude on most conspiracy theories like the NASA moon landings, global warming, Darwinian evolution and the scientific method.

From day one, my administration will be primarily concerned with the construction of a new 33-lane inter-dimensional time portal in Metro Louisville. My plan for a large flux capacitor underneath the municipal dump will create approximately 1,000 construction jobs, draw top scientific talent from the world over and divert solid waste out of the South End into unused parallel dimensions that have no effect on public health like the Ohio River, Beargrass Creek, Appalachia and the proposed site of the Lego Museum Plaza.

More important than jobs, garbage and nature, though, will be our ability to go back in time to prohibit The Eagles from spreading their toxic psychic filth all over the River City like they did Saturday night.

As your mayor, I will personally go back in time to retrieve Ozzy before he goes brain dead, and Bill Ward before he is actually dead, so that Black Sabbath can play the opening gala for the Yum! Center!!!!!!!!

Due to an unfortunate but totally unavoidable paradox in the space-time continuum, The Eagles will evaporate in a cloud of tapioca-scented smoke and be relegated to an alternate dimension, wearing black Lycra, imprisoned for eternity inside a pane of glass that floats in outer-space.

They will be unable to check out any time they like, and they can never leave. Sorry for that.

I will encourage the Board of Education to combine current busing regulations with a new Wilderness Survival Curriculum in which students will be asked to get to any JCPS school using only public transportation.

When students are extremely late or completely lost, they will still receive class credit for successfully braving the elements and learning to make nutritious foods from plant materials that have grown around TARC stops no longer frequented by actual buses.

Participation in the “Pledge of Allegiance” and school prayer will both be optional, while daily recitation of Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power” from their landmark record Fear of a Black Planet will be obligatory. Furthermore, funding for public schools will be contingent on students’ ability to recite at least 70 percent of the lines from Chevy Chase’s comic opus “Fletch.”

The nuanced question of bridge tolls is one that my administration will take into thoughtful consideration. Bridge trolls, however, will be immediately and strictly forbidden from living under any real or fictitious bridges in Metro Louisville.

Southern Indiana will, of course, have to develop their own statutes on this pressing issue and relay them to the Bridges Authority if they can a), determine what the hell the Bridges Authority is an authority on; and b), make them listen to reason.

My inaugural ball will be held in 1994 at Dedden’s Highland Fling. There ought to be enough money left in my campaign budget to get Louisville hardcore regents Kinghorse, Oblong Box and Evergreen to play. If they’re unavailable or I can’t afford it, I’ll just get my daddy to put enough money in my account to hire the F.O.P.’s Cop Rock group who will play milquetoast classic rock songs with long saxamaphone solos.

Broadway cruising will be permitted during my inauguration. You’re welcome.

As I have canceled my appearance on “State of Affairs,” lost my cell phone again and plan to be forcibly barred from any mayoral debates, you can catch up with me on MySpace or Friendster if I’m someplace that has Internet, such as my girlfriend’s house or the library.

I’m Joe Manning, and I support this massage.