June 20, 2012

Life, liberty and the pursuit of amusement

Kentucky Kingdom lands new set of Kochs

Following the news that the Koch family — who owns Holiday World in Southern Indiana — had dropped plans to open Bluegrass Boardwalk at the old Kentucky Kingdom site, a new set of Kochs has stepped in.

Billionaire brothers and Tea Party sugar daddies Charles and David Koch announced their vision for the defunct, abandoned amusement park. It’s called Liberty Land.

The brothers announced their proposal “exclusively” on WHAS Radio’s “The Mandy Connell Show.”

“We couldn’t think of a better place than Kentucky to combine good, old American values with gut-busting thrills and overpriced hot dogs,” David Koch said with a chuckle.

He went on to explain the park’s “signature values.” Rides will have neither weight nor height restrictions. Disability ramps will also be nonexistent. Single mothers, minorities and the poor will be encouraged to stay home, says Koch, because they probably “don’t have what it takes to endure the park’s premier attraction: The Boot Strap Revolution.”

According to renderings, the large boat-shaped ride holds about 100. It swings back and forth until finally it makes a full revolution, suspending riders upside down for a good 10 seconds. Riders must keep themselves in the boat by clinging to a set of bootstraps nailed into the floor.

“Brilliant!” Connell cackled on her radio show. “I love it! A fun way to teach kids the importance of pulling their own weight. I’m sure big government requires harnesses or seatbelts, but that’s how we’ve ended up with too many pansy hippies running around with agendas. Let ’em plunge.”

Another feature of the park is a “Turban Toss” game, where players must land turbans on large cardboard cutouts of President Barack Obama.

As far as funding for this $25 million amusement park, Koch says he’s “morally opposed” to taking any sort of state-approved tax incentives. But he later added that since $3.9 million was already approved for the previous Kochs, it would be just another example of “government waste” if he didn’t put it to good use.

*This story is part of LEO's Fake Issue. 

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