Fake Issue: Inbox — March 30, 2011
Letters to the Editor
Dear Leo Weekly,
We’re happy to inform you that you may have already won 1 million dollars! Mr. Weekly, have you dreamed of buying your dream home, flying off to exotic locations and living the life of a millionaire? If so, contact us within 72 hours to find out if you are our Sweepstakes winner! This could be the chance you have waited for all your life. Why? Because, Mr. Leo Weekly, your name has already been chosen as one of a limited number of finalists! You may have already won! Simply send your final Sweepstakes registration with the enclosed response envelope, and we’ll notify you if you’ve won no later than 30 days from now. Congratulations, Leo!
Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, New York
Bar Belle Bandit
Your Bar Belle is out of control. As the owner of The Back Door, an esteemed establishment that’s always been a favorite of Ms. Havens, I have finally had it with her shenanigans. She leaves tabs open. She makes out in bathrooms. She barks at customers. Don’t get me wrong — the Bar Belle is quite pleasant and welcoming at the beginning of the night. It’s when the clock hits 10 p.m. and she’s been there since 5 that things get a little crazy.
I don’t want to ban her from the Door. Hell, I’ve already given her a set of keys. But if you could tell her to mind her Ps and Qs, I believe it would restore peace at the venerable Back Door. As for the unruly Thursday group she hangs out with — I’ve been trying to break up that three-ring circus for years. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
John Dant, owner of Back Door, Highlands
Scum is the Word
In response to former LEO reporter and scum-of-the-earth Phillip M. Bailey’s sensationalist attack on a sitting councilperson (“It’s not easy being Green,” March 2, 2011), I can honestly say I’ve never read a more factually inaccurate and falsehood-ridden “news” story in my life. That LEO would even print it reflects a sad state of affairs for the “profession” of journalism, and further, it represents the worst kind of black-on-black reportage that will set the modern civil rights movement back 200 years. Shame on you, asshole! I can only hope the powers-that-be at your new place of employment, WFPL, keep you under better control.
Councilwoman Judy Green, West Louisville
Next in Line
It’s unfortunate that Fund for the Arts chief Allan Cowen’s phone message was misunderstood and that the local media treated him unfairly. Nevertheless, it forced his early “retirement,” and that, as they say, is that. Although the local arts community will surely miss his charm and finesse, Cowen’s departure presents a unique opportunity to tap one of the superstars in Louisville’s firmament of talented leaders to take the helm.
I would like to submit a short list of likely candidates for this important job: Soon-to-be ex-Louisville Metro Council member Judy Green tops my list. The name would have to be changed from “Fund for the Arts” to “Lean Mean Judy Green Squeaky Clean Arts Machine,” but she’s a proven fundraiser, and we would always know where the money was going to end up.
Or, how about ex-MSD Board Chairman Audwin Helton? He could channel all the money to the soon-to-be incorporated “Audwin Helton’s Visual Arts and Sweet Deals Company,” thereby streamlining the process of allocating funds.
Soon-to-be ex-governor Steve Beshear would be another fine choice. He’s not from Louisville (you can tell ’cause he talks funny), but he could hire ex-Mayor for Life Jerry, whom, like Cher, needs no last name. Jerry has more connections than LG&E and can raise some funds. Hell, he can raise anything but a bridge. If all else fails, Beshear can always pull this year’s funding out of his ass and replace it with next year’s savings quicker than you can say, “God, I hate David Williams.”
Or, what the hell, how about Greg Fischer? He could outsource his job to Hal Heiner, and no one could tell the difference. Then, Fischer could prove himself to be all things to all people in yet another arena.
The list of possible candidates goes on and on, but the point is this: The Fund for the Arts leadership should carpe their diem with both hands and pick a winner from right here in Possibility City.
Charlie Baker, Highlands