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March 30, 2011

Fake Issue 2011

PBR leak reported in Germantown

MetroSafe has issued an all-clear six days after nearly a million gallons of beer burst from a ruptured Nachbar holding tank in the intoxicated Germantown neighborhood. Bar owner James Gunnoe attributed the cause of the spill to a keg-related phenomena known as excessive suddification.

“It was my responsibility to make sure sud levels were within normal safety parameters,” Gunnoe tells LEO. “I’ll be drinking early today.”

As of press time, two unidentified hipsters were reported to have drowned in the deluge of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer that inundated 500 homes in a 1.2-square-mile radius of Nachbar’s Charles Street location. Nearly 800 residents were evacuated to Old Hickory Inn, the former Flabby’s Schnitzelberg, Zeppelin Café, Zanzabar and the other 456 bars in the area where emergency vitamin ale was readily on tap.

According to MetroSafe spokesman Todd Borden, the March 13 spill rendered at least 117 “totally fucking wasted” and approximately 200 “completely shitfaced.”

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Borden says. “Not since the Old Style leak of ’81 have this many people been soaked from head to toe in cheap, delicious domestic beer.”

Germantown residents have criticized the Fischer administration for the lax response time of the neighborhood’s intoxication hotline, 1-800-YELLOWCAB.

Councilwoman Green finds missing funds in couch

Embattled Councilwoman Judy Green, D-1, has located hundreds of thousands of dollars in misappropriated loans and city grant money in her couch cushions.

During a press conference held on the front steps of her west Louisville home, Green clutched a giant burlap sack emblazoned with a dollar sign and fielded questions from reporters who had gathered to witness the unearthing of $457,321.34 worth of wrinkled dollars and lint-covered change from Green’s cavernous gold-encrusted love seat, located in her Italian marble-floored living room.

“It’s all here,” Green said. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t be holding this giant bag of money. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just heard Rubbertown is exploding, and I should probably get on with making it look like I actually care.”

In response to the stunning announcement, Metro Council’s Government Ethics and Accountability Committee has dropped its investigation into Green’s murky financial affairs under the condition that a city auditor be deployed to the councilwoman’s living room “whenever ‘Maury’ is about to come on.”

Ethics Committee chairwoman Tina Ward-Pugh, D-8, said she will refocus the committee’s efforts toward “probing couch cushions, looking underneath refrigerators and checking the pockets of each Metro Council member’s jeans before they throw them into the washer, because we owe that level of accountability to taxpayers.”

The Office of Management and Budget said such a financial probe could yield upward of $30 million, more than enough to plug the city’s anticipated $22 million budgetary shortfall as well as purchase a metal detector for each council member.

Hogan’s Fountain Pavilion demo’d, public sex rate plummets

The recent demolition of the Hogan’s Fountain Pavilion has brought Louisville’s public sex rate to its knees. Researchers report less than 1 percent of the public is doing it outdoors, compared with 67 percent just last month, before the gigantic, aging structure was torn down. The teepee was home to thousands of Cherokee Park regulars for more than 45 years — where on any given Sunday you could find grilling remnants, deflated soccer balls and used condoms.

“We knew this was going to happen,” said Todgrass Stain, president of the Save Hogan’s Fountain Pavilion group, which tried for more than a year to raise funds to prevent the demolition. “Everyone’s lives have been affected, and this includes our sex lives. When the teepee was erected, so was I. Now we have nothing to shelter us from the storms. What, do you want us to do it in our cars?”

Metro officials determined it would be too costly to repair the dilapidated structure. “We did what was in the best interest of the public,” said Mayor Greg Fischer. “The teepee was unsafe, especially when it came to public sex.” He cited falling shingles, sharp nails and rusty trombones as the leading reasons behind razing the landmark.

New iPhone app enables you to design your own bridge

A new mobile phone application released by the Louisville and Southern Indiana Bridges Authority has hit a roadblock: The app, which allows users to design their own Ohio River bridge, takes 30 years to download.

“We’re excited to engage public feedback by using cutting-edge communication technology,” authority spokesman Steve Schultz said in a press release. “Unfortunately, as with most elements of a project of this scale, the application will take approximately three decades to download, give or take a year and a half.”

Critics of the app, which may cost as much as $18 million per download and is compatible with neither Droid nor Apple smartphones, contend the benefits of the app do not outweigh the fact that a full third of its potential users will be dead by the time they are able to actually use it, not to mention that phone technology will have drastically changed in 30 years.

“How can we pay for an app that will utilize phones that don’t even exist yet?” asks Say No to Bridge Tolls co-founder Dan Borsch. “It’s an outdated app for an outdated project.”

Members of the Kentucky Transportation Cabinet declined to comment for the story, but did say they had “no idea what an ‘app’ is.”

Poll: Your deodorant is not getting it done

Your deodorant is not getting it done, according to the latest LEO Weekly/WLEO-TV poll. The poll, conducted in early March by SurveyUSA, found that a whopping 73 percent of respondents believe your deodorant is not getting it done, while 20 percent said you probably aren’t even using deodorant. A smaller segment, 5 percent, said you are probably using one of those new-age hippie stones or something sourced from castor beans.

The poll, which has a margin of error of 4 percentage points, also found that 29 percent believe your armpits “smell like foot,” while 41 percent often see large sweat circles spreading across your shirt, and 92 percent wonder if you were home-schooled.

There was some cause for optimism, however: Among those who agreed to complete a follow-up survey, 12 percent of respondents spoke of your “not unwelcome musty insouciance,” and 6 percent said you remind them of “passionate lovemaking after a night of salsa dancing.” Both responses represent statistically significant increases over the 2009 and 2010 polls regarding your deodorant’s performance.

Clifton group passes Defense of Gay Marriage Act

Citing lapses in marital fidelity from prominent heterosexuals Rick Pitino, Tiger Woods, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Charlie Sheen, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Kobe Bryant and “that slut who lives on South Ewing and who shall remain nameless,” the Clifton Neighborhood Association approved a Defense of Gay Marriage Act on Tuesday. The act seeks to “protect the sanctity of gay marriage from the unfaithful and frankly disastrous” marital track record of heterosexuals.

The decree, which is not binding under Kentucky law, credits gay and lesbian couples with “a more solid natural foundation for long-term fidelity” owing to “a deeper understanding of just where and when to apply pressure, both figuratively and literally.”

“Given the divorce rate and wanton promiscuity of straight marriages, it’s time we took a stand for the sanctity of gay marriage,” said spokesman André Lee. “It’s like heterosexuals are not even trying anymore.” In other business, Lee said the association passed a resolution defending neighbors’ “God-given right to bear guns, especially ones like these,” whereupon he kissed both of his biceps.

Jackie Green buys monster truck

Former independent mayoral candidate, Courier Bike Shop owner and fervent pedalist Jackie Green stunned friends and family after he ditched his bike and began riding a custom-built monster truck.

“Frankly, I was getting fed up with motorists cutting me off, opening doors in the bike lane, making me afraid for my life,” Green says. “Now it is they who shall live in fear.”

Calling his DIY vehicle “The Green Machine,” Green intends to drive the 18-cylinder, 5-ton vehicle through the streets of Louisville 24/7 “to teach motorists a lesson about what it means to be Green,” even crushing them underneath his tires “because that would be kind of cool, too.”

Green says that since Mayor Greg Fischer has yet to create an Office of Sustainability, an idea floated between the two during the campaign, Green has been “forced to show the people of Louisville just how red Green can get.”

Salvadoran lice discovered living in Richie Farmer’s mustache

Lice living in Kentucky Agriculture Commissioner Richie Farmer’s mustache emigrated illegally from El Salvador, according to an investigation. The lice were discovered last summer but were believed then to have hatched in America. An investigation earlier this year determined the lice were Salvadoran, and a closer inspection on Tuesday confirmed they do not have valid legal status in the U.S.

“This is just another example of why it’s so important to provide jobs to get Kentuckians back to work,” said Farmer, who is running for lieutenant governor on a Republican ticket with Kentucky Senate President David Williams. When asked to elaborate, Farmer said, “People ask me, ‘What’s the most important crop in Kentucky?’ I always say, ‘The most important thing we raise in Kentucky is our young people.’”

It’s unclear how the lice entered the country or how they came to take up residence in Farmer’s mustache. At a hastily called press conference, Farmer said, “Kentucky is adrift. According to my autobiography, which I have read, I was once an Untouchable. This is Kentucky. We’re all Kentuckians. At the end of the day, we’re all on the same team. But not these lice.” He then drained some threes on a makeshift goal behind the podium.

Countywide phone tree to warn of tornadoes

MetroSafe has developed a new phone-tree system to alert Louisville residents when severe weather is approaching, according to Mayor Greg Fischer. The public-safety agency came under fire after civil defense sirens were silent during a National Weather Service tornado warning in February. Phone trees were widely used to great acclaim by pee-wee leagues, Cub Scout troops and band parents before the dawn of the Internet.

Here’s how it will work: In the event of a tornado, the mayor himself will begin the phone tree. “The buck stops with me,” Fischer said. “And the phone tree starts with me.” When the National Weather Service issues a tornado warning, Fischer will call everyone he knows and, in a calm voice, say, “Hey, there’s a tornado coming! Spread the word!” They will then call their friends, and so on, until everyone in the county has been called. Fischer said he expects the entire process to take about three weeks, but cautioned it could take longer the first few times, “until we all learn the system.”

Fischer noted there are some Louisville residents who don’t have phones and still others who have phones but don’t have friends. He promised to identify those citizens and personally knock on their doors to make sure they’re safe.

Satan announces extension on deal with Albert Mohler

Satan, the lord of darkness and death-god of Hell, announced on Tuesday a multi-year extension on his agreement with Southern Baptist Theological Seminary President Albert Mohler. Terms of the deal were not disclosed.

Satan, who is vacationing in his Oceania home of O le nu’u-o-nonoa, praised Mohler for his relentless promotion of Hell, including 4,000 tweets and blog posts about it in the past month alone. Besides his deft new-media endorsements of Hell, Mohler earned special praise for linking Hell to issues most people don’t normally associate with perdition’s flames, including coffee, evolution, theological liberalism and yoga.

“I would be hard-pressed to think of anyone who generates leads for Hell more religiously than Albert Mohler,” said the Devil. “He makes the ayatollahs look like the Dalai Lama. Just when you think he’s thought of every way to praise my powers, Al pulls a new one out of his copious poop trove. I’m humbled and honored to be on his BlackBerry’s speed dial.” Mohler, who was at Mark Zuckerberg’s compound fine-tuning his PowerPoint for Hell’s upcoming Global Dick Expo ’11, did not return phone calls requesting an interview.

Biracial man divides time between East and West Ends

Quentin Brown, of the 8800 block of Algonquin Parkway and the 3100 block of Dorsey Lane, evenly divides his time between Louisville’s East and West Ends, according to data Brown recently made available from his iPhone’s global positioning system. Brown, whose father is Caucasian and mother is African-American, was surprised at the consistency of his own habits. “I knew I liked to mix it up,” he said, “but I was surprised it came out exactly 50-50.”

Brown, a real estate attorney, maintains two residences in Louisville, which he praised for its rich culture and racial diversity. “It might seem extravagant to own two homes, but some days I just feel more comfortable in my West End home, and other times I’m happier in the East End. I pretty much go according to my moods. One thing I do try to avoid is Southern Indiana. I may be conflicted, but I’m not crazy. I mean, the traffic over there is impossible.”

Abramson reveals new hick accent ahead of fall campaign

Calling himself “antsy as a long-tailed cat in a room fulla rockin’ chairs,” former Mayor Jerry Abramson unveiled on Tuesday the new hick accent he’ll use in his campaign for lieutenant governor. Abramson said that to appeal to voters statewide, he will pronounce “nine” as “nan,” “time” as “tam” and “Bible” as “Babble.” He pledged to mention the latter often, as well as the expressions “rode hard and put up wet,” “gonna come a gully washer,” and “that beats the hens a rasslin’ six ways from Sunday,” even though he doesn’t know what they mean. The ex-Mayor for Life also announced that “them” and “friends” will become two-syllable words: “thee-um” and “free-unds.”

“It’s a smart strategy,” said Larry Sabato, a University of Virginia political scientist. “The Clintons and President Obama used fake accents to great effect when trying to win the favor of African-American voters, and President Bush speaks NASCAR like a native. If Abramson’s going to garner statewide appeal, he’s going to have to talk the talk.”

Still, the strategy is not without its risks, Sabato said, especially if Abramson overdoes the accent. For instance, he left even Appalachian reporters scratching their heads when he said, “If ahmonna go up agin Richie’n’em, ahmonna hafta speak lakiss ratcheer when ahm outenem hollers.”

Yarmuth agrees to genetic testing, scientists discover new blood type: Awesome

Congressman John Yarmuth, D-Louisville, underwent impromptu genetic testing at Arizona’s Mayo Clinic to assuage fears among his constituency that he is “too awesome for his own good.”

“We haven’t seen anything quite like it,” says clinic director Dr. Ravi Cooper. “Apparently, John possesses a unique gene sequence in what amounts to a robust and wholly undiscovered blood type, which we are calling ‘Type Awesome’ for the time being.”

Cooper says Yarmuth’s blood began to transition away from its mortal origins and into awesome territory in late 2006, around the time the former LEO publisher challenged incumbent Republican Anne Northup.

“I started feeling pretty awesome then,” Yarmuth says. “Anne played dirty, but I played it awesome. In fact, I kept getting awesomer until the awesomeness somehow mutated my blood, which is pretty awesome.”

Preliminary research on Yarmuth’s blood reveals it has the potential to be a universal donor type as well as a cure for AIDS, most forms of cancer, loss of appetite, baldness, genital warts and most strains of Republicanism.

Bullitt dealer deems latest batch of meth ‘the shit’

Jake Anderson, a prominent Mount Washington drug dealer, described his latest batch of methamphetamine as “the shit” during a rambling interview Monday night. Anderson, who closely supervised the preparation of the stimulant last week in an abandoned trailer on Toothlick Road off of Highway 44, said, “I ain’t shittin’ you. This shit will fuck you up. And that’s no shit, man.”

Anderson claimed the new batch has “pretty near no propane, Drano or battery-acid flavor you can tell of.” He emphasized his remarks by wildly bouncing his legs up and down and brushing his stringy hair away from his eyes repeatedly.

The 27-year-old Bullitt County native stressed that he currently has a large supply of the new batch of meth out in his truck, if anybody wants to buy some. Anderson admitted he was unabashedly proud of the batch, which he described as “makin’ you feel like you could jump over the barn, motherfucker.” He then reiterated, “I ain’t shittin’ you.”

Bourbon Trail replaced by vodka

In an effort to revitalize its image, the Kentucky Bourbon Trail will be replaced by vodka in the fall, announced Tim Cranberry of the Kentucky Distillers’ Association. “Bourbon is so 2006,” Cranberry said at the press conference on Tuesday. “Everybody’s drinking vodka these days, and we want to keep Kentucky on the map of trending spirits. If Snooki drinks it, we want Kentucky to make it.”

The popularity of vodka has been on the rise ever since sorority girls realized there’s not many calories in the clear spirit. It is most often mixed with high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden, high-calorie drinks like fruit juices and Red Bull. “Like, this is, like, great news or something,” said Kirsten Smith of Delta Sigma Theta. “Kentucky is da bomb.”

Representatives from the six distilleries on the tour were unavailable for comment. EMS workers were unable to remove their jaws from the floor.

In related news, the potato is now the state’s official crop. “Corn can kiss it,” Cranberry said. “So can charred oak barrels, mash, wheat and the Old Fashioned.”

Indiana to Kentucky: ‘Let’s just be friends’

In a Facebook exchange on Saturday, Indiana called off her engagement with Kentucky. The first post signaling a lovers’ spat was Indiana to Kentucky: “Let’s just be friends.” This was followed by 14 likes and one response from Kentucky: “Fuck you!” Concerned residents and friends — including the state of Ohio — are leaving comments urging the Hoosier and Bluegrass states to work it out.

The next day, Kentucky’s relationship status changed to “Single.” Indiana’s changed to “It’s complicated.” Neither state was available for comment, but friends reveal Indiana is upset over not getting a new bridge from her lover. “She’s been waiting 30 years for this symbolic gesture from Kentucky … he just keeps dragging his feet,” HoosierDaddy72 said. “The split is going to affect us all, but in the end, it might be better for them both.”

Fairness Campaign to start Gays-4-fil-As

The Fairness Campaign announced Friday it is launching Gays-4-fil-As to assuage the guilt many members of the LGBT community feel when they choose to eat at the Christian-run Chick-fil-A. While Fairness will continue to fight the good fight for equality, when it comes to chicken, they just can’t deny a good thing. “I am against what the owners of Chick-fil-A stand for, but dammit, their chicken is crack,” said Fairness Director Chris Hartman. “We hope to meet with the folks behind Chick-fil-A so we can come to some kind of understanding. In the meantime, I don’t want the LGBT community to be without those amazing chicken nuggets and fresh-squeezed lemonade.”

In late 2010, it was discovered that the fast-food chain supports many anti-gay and anti-marriage-equality groups, and a nationwide boycott soon followed.

Hartman realizes Gays-4-fil-As will be met with resistance, but exclaims, “Have you tasted those mouth-watering waffle fries!?”

Bellarmine student literally bored stiff in Professor Abramson’s class

Bellarmine University security officers were called to a classroom in Alumni Hall Tuesday morning in response to a student who was literally bored stiff. Witnesses say freshman Zachary Monroe was lackadaisically taking notes in the “U.S. Leadership” class being taught by former Mayor Jerry Abramson when his arm locked up. “Dude, when he tried to get out of his desk, he, like, couldn’t even move,” said Jeremy Forsythe, a sophomore who took the class because nothing else fit into his schedule.

Abramson says he was “sharing some of the lessons he learned during his two decades as mayor and exploring some of the challenges that lie ahead” when Monroe became bored stiff. Emergency personnel who responded to the scene were able to reverse the temporary paralysis by simply speaking to the student using words that actually meant something. Doctors who later treated the young man were baffled by the mysterious ailment, which they dubbed Acute Jerryatric Rigor Mortis.

When asked whether he plans to alter his course to prevent future boredom-induced paralysis, Abramson began touting the importance of inspiring leaders of tomorrow, at which point this reporter’s arm locked up.

Pitino makes shocking revelation: The rumors are all true

From a booth deep in the seedy recesses of Porcini Italian restaurant, tabloid darling and University of Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino finally addressed various rumors that have been swirling for the better part of the last two decades. In a profanity-laced tirade caught on film by a WAVE-3 camera broadcasting a 24-hour live feed of the restaurant’s most infamous booth, the Bluegrass Don admitted to, among other things: having cancer, being gay, coloring his hair hourly, bankrolling a Southern Indiana condo for his longtime mistress, being in the mafia, and threatening to bury Karen Sypher’s entire family, pets included, in concrete. The Rick also confessed to having interviewed for several NBA jobs just that morning.

As the Woodford-fueled catharsis continued, Pitino went even further, confessing that he wished he had never left Lexington, never really liked Edgar Sosa, changed his white suit at half-time of the Georgetown game several years ago because he’d “pee’d himself a little,” and thinks Tom Jurich’s mock turtlenecks are “kind of sexy.” The coach declined to comment on rumors that Mike Marra is not, in fact, the best high-school shooter he had ever seen, leading one to believe that comment was pure hyperbolic bullshit from the get-go.

Conference-goers revolt upon learning of city’s new strip-club restrictions

Thousands of disgruntled farmers in town for the annual Farm Machinery Show took to the streets last Saturday upon learning of Louisville’s new adult entertainment ordinance, which prohibits nudity, drinking and lap-dances in strip clubs. The no-nipple law took effect earlier this year, resulting in not-so-exotic dancers gyrating in tacky bikinis.

“If I wanted to shop for tractors, I coulda done that on the interwebs. We got computers in the country,” said Billy Bob Hornswaggle, a corn farmer who traveled to the big city all the way from the aptly named Farmington, Iowa. “I can see gals in their skivvies just by peeking into the Wal-Mart dressing room a mile from my home. What I want is nekked ladies.”

Hornswaggle and other randy farmers rallied outside the downtown convention center, pitchforks in hand. Ultimately, the group peacefully disbanded upon learning there were LIVE NUDE GIRLS just across the river in Southern Indiana.

A similar riotous scene unfolded the following day with the arrival of the National Dental Association Conference. Dr. Dick Lipsey, a DMD from Tipp City, Ohio, wondered whether the new ordinance would hurt his chances of getting “a little something extra” at the strip club, as he has during past visits: “I packed extra dental dams, just in case.”

WHAS Radio host Mandy Connell discovers black ancestry

WHAS Radio “shock jock” Mandy Connell, who courted controversy (and a ratings boost) after referring to President Barack Obama as a “half-breed” on the air last year, was recently informed by genealogy.com that she is, in fact, one-third African-American.

“It’s kind of a blow,” Connell says. “I mean, on the one hand, I can say ‘coon’ all the time now, but it just won’t be as fun anymore, since I’ve inherited centuries of race-based oppression and violence that just yesterday I didn’t even know existed but am now forced to care about.”

Connell says she will now devote her on-air efforts to “exposing whitey’s crimes” and “freeing Mumia,” and adds that devoted listeners shouldn’t worry about a change in format.

“I’ll still be talking out of my ass,” Connell says. “You can count on that.”

Louisville Clear Channel General Manager Bill Gentry declines to comment on Connell’s heritage, but tells LEO Weekly that WHAS “still plans on insulting your intelligence with idiotic conservative talk programming no matter what ancestry our on-air personalities might have.”

Lake Forest man vies for world’s largest carbon footprint

For-profit think-tank Consumers for the Consumption of Consumables has named Lake Forest resident Chunderhill Bettancourt IV its 2011 Man of the Year. In a lavish, coal-powered ceremony, Bettancourt IV was presented with the Gilded Sole, a diamond-encrusted size 14 loafer handed out annually to the American judged to have the largest carbon footprint. Bettancourt IV graciously accepted the award and commented that he was infinitely proud to have his personal excesses recognized.

In a heartfelt acceptance speech delivered from behind a podium constructed entirely of petrified crude oil, which would be ignited at the reception to follow, Bettancourt IV remarked that he “didn’t really have to try that hard” given his typical day entails “commuting downtown for work, driving my four children (Chunderhill V, Hamptoncourt, Mortimer, Winthrop) to and from lacrosse practice, then back downtown for a quick bite at Jeff Ruby’s.” He also mentioned that he likes to keep a generator running around the clock to ensure his BlackBerry is fully charged and heats his home to a balmy 85 degrees via a coal-burning furnace to make his Honduran maid feel more at home.

Allan Cowen berates Alec Baldwin’s daughter on voicemail

Outgoing Fund for the Arts CEO Allan Cowen has issued a public apology after berating Alec Baldwin’s daughter on voicemail. It was Cowen’s 15th public apology in the past month, after leaving threatening voicemails for Anita Hill, Denise Richards and Oksana Grigorieva, among others. He also apologized last week for texting a photo of Brett Favre’s genitals to New York Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger. All of the messages are available online at www.leoweekly.com.

In the voice message he left for Baldwin’s daughter, Cowen says, “You have insulted me for the last time,” a threat Baldwin’s daughter called “not very original.” In his apology, Cowen expressed his “embarrassment and sincere regret” to the Baldwin family, the Fund for the Arts and the entire Louisville community.

The spate of voicemails is not likely to cease anytime soon, given Cowen’s recent retirement announcement. “I’d like to stop leaving these awful voicemails,” Cowen said, “but I’m going to have all this time on my hands.” While he refused to speculate on his future voicemail victims, many analysts named actor Gary Busey, rocker Alice Cooper and local sculptor Craig Kaviar as likely candidates. “Whoever it is, it’ll be fuckin’ epic,” Cowen pledged.

Germantown, Smoketown merge to form Town-Town

To bolster local businesses and foster greater community-wide solidarity, the neighborhoods of Germantown and Smoketown have merged to form the city’s latest neighborhood, dubbed “Town-Town.”

“For too long, white residents of Germantown and black residents of Smoketown have been divided by arbitrary lines of class and race,” Metro Council President Jim King, D-10, said in a statement. “Now, with the advent of Town-Town, we can begin the process of pretending we’re a homogenous, post-racial entity, because the only thing voters like more than cute neighborhood abbreviations is pretending those abbreviations mean something.”

The Cordish Cos., which has an extensive history of destroying cultural identity, is on board.

“It’s brilliant,” says Cordish CEO Barry Cordish. “We already spend hundreds of thousands of your taxpayer dollars to turn this city into a bland, corporate-friendly wasteland, and now you’re doing all of the hard work for us? Get ready for Hancock Street Live!”

Residents have mixed feelings about the merger.

“I don’t like ironic mustaches,” says Smoketown resident Clyde Phillips, 50. “I mean, I understand if it’s a legitimate style thing, or if you’re starting puberty, but I don’t want to have to grow one or drink overpriced craft beer, for that matter.”

Greater Louisville Inc. announces new slogan: ‘Go to L!’

In response to the loss of nearly 40,000 private-sector jobs over the last decade, the city’s chamber of commerce, Greater Louisville Inc., has announced it is abandoning its “Possibility City” slogan and replacing it with one that reflects the chamber’s disconnect from Louisville’s grim economic realities.

“A lot of things are possible,” says GLI President Joe Reagan. “For example, Louisville could suddenly add 100,000 jobs as a result of pursuing a green economy, investing in alternative energy and mass transportation. Or, monkeys could fly out of my ass. Which possibility would you invest in? Honestly, tell me.”

Via a $50,000 contract with New York public relations firm MacReady-Jones, GLI has selected the new phrase “Go to L!” after months of careful study and deliberation.

“After extensive research, we concluded that Louisville’s aging infrastructure, lack of affordable housing, poor public transportation, substandard air quality and reliance on deadly coal-fired power could form the backbone of an ingenious ad campaign,” MacReady-Jones CEO Mark Frost tells LEO. “At least, that’s what I told Reagan.”

Frost says the rebranding effort will require city officials and members of GLI to wear devil horns at all times “in order to sell the idea that when you’re in Louisville, you’re in the second, maybe third, circle of hell. How hot is that?”

Yum drops ! due to slow first quarter, considers alternative punctuation

After brutal first-quarter losses and a series of excessive executive bonuses pummeled Louisville-based fast-food giant Yum! Brands, the conglomerate is dropping its ubiquitous exclamation point for alternative punctuation.

At a Monday morning press conference, Yum! CEO David Novak told reporters that the Q1 hit of $457 million has prompted the company to “choose punctuation that more accurately reflects a human being’s honest reaction to a Styrofoam bowl haphazardly crammed with four different food groups and smothered in bacon bits, gravy and tears.”

“We need to make our brands competitive again,” Novak said. “And the only way to do that is to focus on what’s really important: punctuation.”

As of press time, the question mark appears to be the leading form of punctuation among Yum?’s board members, according to anonymous industry sources.

But MIT linguist Noam Chomsky believes the company should stick to its guns. “Exclamation points, while symptomatic of hegemonic rule, should be used sparingly,” Chomsky says. “However, if you ate nothing but KFC DoubleDowns and ‘burritos’ from Taco Bell all the time, the frequent, geyser-like liquid bowel movements bursting from your anus would prove sufficiently worthy of exclamation, or, at the very least, a colon.”

Prospect couple builds 115-bedroom home

A former east Louisville couple recently completed construction of a 115-bedroom, 125½-bathroom home in the quaint village of Prospect just northeast of the city. Portions of the house are in Jefferson County, while 63 rooms and a separate 45-bedroom carriage house spill over into Oldham County, with a side porch stretching into Henry County. The childless couple, Dorothea “Doro” and Johannes “Bo” Crowningshield-Cullpepper IV, recently sold their cramped 62-bedroom house on Wolf Pen Branch Road to build their new dream home.

In addition to the master bedroom and 114 guest and pet bedrooms, the home includes 14 dining rooms, six breakfast nooks, 13 billiards rooms, five gun rooms, six wine cellars, two bowling alleys, a media room, four home theaters, a wrap-around porch and a mudroom.

“We wanted our home to have a cozy feel,” said Bo, who works in the financial-services industry. “So we asked our builder to make all 265 rooms as cozy as possible. We think it came out beautifully.” Doro, who volunteers her time by serving the needy, agreed. “We don’t enjoy entertaining, so we rarely have guests,” she said. “It was important to us to build a real showplace and, ideally, begin to fill the bottomless pits of inadequacy at the very depths of our desperate, despondent souls.”

Dawne Gee’s Louisvillian of the Year title revoked following scuffle with Scott Reynolds

LEO Weekly’s 2010 Louisvillian of the Year, WAVE news anchor Dawne Gee, lost her title after going ballistic during Friday’s 5:30 p.m. newscast. As the camera started rolling following the second commercial break, Gee was seen clocking co-host Scott Reynolds. A whimpering Reynolds fell off his chair and out of view of the camera, whereupon Gee reportedly began kicking him under the desk, yelling obscenities and the phrase, “I really am that nice, bitch!”

“This job takes its toll on even the best reporters,” said WAVE general manager Steve Langford. “We are closely monitoring Gee and expect she’ll be back on the air in no time. Xanax does wonders.”

Reynolds is not pressing charges, but demanded LEO Weekly revoke Gee’s Louisvillian of the Year title. LEO Editor Sarah Kelley agreed and vacated Gee’s status on Monday. “We can’t have our Louisvillian of the Year punching out co-workers,” Kelley said. “I want to strangle my arts editor on a daily basis, but I know better. I like Gee and just think she took it too far.”

LEO Arts Editor Sara Havens, who wrote the piece on Gee in December, disagreed. “I think what Dawne did was commendable,” she said. “Who doesn’t want to pistol-whip Scott Reynolds?”

Coach Calipari seeks treatment for anger issues

The future of the University of Kentucky men’s basketball program got a little more warm and fuzzy on Tuesday when an NCAA compliance officer ordered Coach John Calipari to attend weekly anger-management classes. Citing “repeated demeaning tirades against the fragile youth of America” and “just being an all-around dick,” Robert Montgomery Night handed down the ruling with a wry smile. Coach Cal seemed generally pleased with the punishment, stating that he “can’t wait to journal about those selfish motherfuckers.” He also said he understood the motivation behind the ruling. “When the NCAA goes up against a coach like me, it’s their Super Bowl,” the embattled coach explained. “They clearly want to be me. Not beat me, be me.” The Squid showed his usual cocksure bravado when he quipped, “As long as they don’t make me vacate this year’s National Championship, I am fine.” Rumors that DeMarcus Cousins planned to forearm the compliance officer in the face could not be confirmed as of press time.

Jennifer Lawrence side-boob awarded National Medal of Arts

As the 20-year-old Louisville native stepped onto the red carpet at the 83rd Academy Awards last month, nobody could look Jennifer Lawrence in the eyes. Instead, they were staring at her prominently featured rack situated in a red gown designed by Calvin Klein. It was February, and winter bone-age was abound. The site was so spectacular, the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) honored Lawrence’s right side-boob with a prestigious National Arts Medal. “We take the word ‘endowment’ seriously,” said NEA President Steve Pervy. “And Miss Jennifer is certainly endowed, as evidenced by her Academy Awards appearance.”

“I’m truly honored to receive this award,” the Oscar-nominated actress said. “And if my right boob could talk, I would probably be in the circus right now.” Lawrence was nominated for her breakout role in “Winter’s Bone.” Her next project is rumored to be a remake of “Porky’s.”

LG&E forces Rubbertown residents to power homes via treadmill

Angered by the outcries and protests of residents living near its Cane Run Road coal-fired power plant, Louisville Gas & Electric has retaliated by forcing residents of the toxic Rubbertown neighborhood to generate their own power by running on a series of electricity-generating treadmills.

“It was either that or we turn them into bioluminescent human batteries, like in ‘The Matrix,’” LG&E spokesman Brian Phillips tells LEO. “Unfortunately, we currently do not possess the technology level of a malevolent, futuristic cybernetic race of killing machines, so the treadmills will have to do until then.”

Green auteur Gill Holland praised the idea, saying the treadmills, estimated to generate upwards of 20 kilowatt-hours per sweating resident per day, is a true carbon-neutral source of energy

“It also negates the need for dirty protesting,” Holland says. “You know, those poor people have to drive their low-mileage cars or whatever to the rally, which burns nasty fossil fuels. This is a win-win.”

Critics of the plan could not be reached for comment, although one exhausted Rubbertown resident managed to give a thumbs-down sign before collapsing into a heap in the corner of her kitchen.

Work begins on Museum Plaza

Nearly a decade after it was first announced, Museum Plaza finally is under construction, although it is unclear exactly how that happened.

“Beats the shit out of me,” says former Metro Economic Development Director Bruce Traughber. “Union placation aside, we were just joking the whole time with this thing, so I’m surprised somebody would actually go ahead and start construction.”

The development history of the 62-story, $490 million mixed-use skyscraper has been a rocky one: In 2008, engineering concerns related to problems with the bedrock at the construction site halted progress; in 2009, two construction firms filed liens against the developers for unpaid wages; and in mid-2010, rich people remained steadfast that they weren’t going to spend money to create jobs ever again.

“I don’t know how this could have happened,” says developer Laura Lee Brown. “It was never supposed to get built. Have you seen the design? It looks like the movie ‘Blade Runner’ took a shit on a box of Legos.”

Fourth Street Live IQ plummets when downtown Borders closes

With the recent closing of the Borders bookstore at Fourth Street Live, experts say the average IQ of patrons of the entertainment district has plummeted 40 points. They cite a lack of available reading material as the main cause of the drastic change of score.

“I read all the time,” said FSL bar-goer Misty Hilton. “Like, it says right here that my Michelob Ultra has 95 calories.” Hilton was at the opening of Pucks & Ducks, a Canadian-themed, nondescript chain restaurant that took the place of Borders.

“By replacing books with booze, we’re not surprised by these results at all,” said Dr. Susan Lowenstein, who conducted the testing last week.

When asked about the shocking results, Hilton took a sip of her beer and said, “Winning. Duh.”

Symbolic gesture goes awry when plan to build/demolish West End wall stalls halfway through

The $25 million project to build and remove a wall separating Louisville’s West End from the rest of the city has had its funding pulled, leaving behind what has been dubbed “The Great Wall of Ninth Street” as a physical manifestation of socioeconomic segregation and cynical political exploitation that Mayor Greg Fischer has since called “a huge fucking mistake.”

“It was so simple: Build a wall, tear it down, and vapidly show the African-American community of Louisville that we are one city,” said a visibly shaken Fischer in an interview conducted at Expressions of You Coffee House on Muhammad Ali Boulevard, his impromptu office since the atrophied funds placed him in exile there. “Now the wall isn’t coming down, and I’m stuck out here. Nobody understands what I’m saying, I’m scared for my life, and I can’t eat any more colored greens… is that how you say it?”

The wall, designed by Louisville-based Bornstein Company, stretches from Ninth Street down to Seventh Street Road and westward along Algonquin Parkway, spanning approximately 6.4 miles and effectively cordoning off 80 percent of the black population of Jefferson County.

Former Councilman Doug Hawkins opens taco truck in South End

Former Republican Metro Councilman Doug Hawkins has found a new calling.

“When I represented the 25th District, I did so by dividing the electorate with fear of foreigners, particularly Mexicans,” Hawkins tells LEO. “It worked for a while. I was able to scare them, over and over again, into thinking that Mexican gangs would impregnate our good Christian white women, and that Osama bin Laden would blow up the South End if we put a munitions dump there. But no more: This is a new day, and I’m a new Doug.”

Hawkins has since opened up a taqueria, Doug’s Taco Digs, in Okolona, where he lives in a mobile home park with his Mexican-American family.

“I bought them on the Internet,” Hawkins says, adjusting his sombrero. “My old gringo family just wasn’t doing it for me anymore, and they demanded to be paid more than my darling Carmelita anyway.”

Okolona resident Ron Scheller, 45, said Hawkins’ tacos were “delicious” and tasted as if they were “made by a bona fide Mexican.”

Hawkins took offense to Scheller’s remark, saying, “It sounded like something I would have said if I was still in office.”

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The writer incorrectly noted that Segrest lives in Tandy’s district.192.168.1.1