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June 22, 2011

Weiner’s wiener and other crazy, freaky tales

I don’t want anybody to get me wrong — I like (no, love) a little raciness. What red-blooded American boy doesn’t? I had a saying when I was younger: “I like my women like I like my cars — pretty, sexy and fast.” A dangerous philosophy, I know. To be sure, it led to more than a few dalliances with hot-ass women with — shall we say — questionable moral compasses.

But I’m comforted in knowing I’m not the only crazy cat around. At least I haven’t Tweeted pictures of my package to women I don’t know. If you’ve been under a rock and didn’t know, that’s exactly what New York Congressman Anthony Weiner did. No joke.

Initially, Weiner claimed (with a straight face) that he couldn’t say with “certitude” whether the wiener was his or someone else’s. And yes, the fact that his name is “Weiner” is funny as hell. Finally, Weiner tearfully admitted that it was, in fact, his package. He also confessed that he had been involved in “inappropriate” online exchanges with a number of women that he met on Twitter, Facebook and other sites.

Meanwhile, “Mrs. Hot Dog” (I couldn’t resist), Weiner’s wife of less than a year and a high-level aide to Hillary Clinton, is pregnant. Weiner’s wiener escapades add his name to a growing list of crazy, weird and sometimes disturbing stuff going on.

Here’s a smattering from the last few years:

Republican South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford loses his mind, supposedly goes hiking on the Appalachian Trail, and ends up publicly proclaiming his love for his Argentinean lover. He then refuses to leave office. His wife is damn near beatified. Funny and crazy.

Republican Sen. John Ensign’s affair with a staffer is exposed after an attorney for her husband allegedly began demanding money from Ensign. Weird at times. Out of there — resigns.

Democratic New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigns after it’s exposed that he has a penchant for high-end call girls. He has since resurfaced with a show on CNN. Pimp-ass Eliot — International Man of Leisure!

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig is caught waving his hands under an airport bathroom stall, allegedly trying to send a signal that he wants to get his groove on with the male occupant of the next stall. Craig resigns but insists he’s not gay. The whole bathroom scene makes this weird as hell. Resigns.

Illinois politician and Obama U.S. Senate opponent Jack Ryan didn’t cheat and wasn’t gay. He was just a freak and that … well, that freaked his wife out. Everybody should hang out with Freaky Jack for just one night! Dropped out of the race.

John Edwards cheats on his cancer-stricken wife and then solicits an aide to declare Edwards’ love child was actually the aide’s kid. Shameful. Edwards needs his ass kicked for multiple reasons.

Arnold “The Governator” Schwarzenegger. Oh my! Arnold taps the housekeeper, has a kid, and then hides him for 12 years! Are you kidding me? Can’t wait for that Lifetime movie. That is way crazy.

The religious boys are in on the act, too. Let’s be real — if the Catholic Church can’t get control of its priests, it should be shut down. The continuous excuses are sickening.

After years of gay-bashing, it turns out that evangelical minister Ted Haggard was, in fact, gay and a meth-head! Crazy-ass Ted even looks insane.

And finally — after initially pledging to “fight” — Atlanta mega-church pastor and gay-basher Eddie Long recently settled a lawsuit brought by four young men who claimed he had coerced them into sexual relations. A CNN reporter probably said it best, suggesting the saddest people in this situation aren’t Long or the boys he allegedly preyed upon, but the sick bastards who continue to sit in the pews and support him. Shame on them all.

I could go on, but you only have so much time. Suffice it to say, in retrospect, when considering this hodgepodge of wieners, bathroom stall encounters and general freakiness — maybe mine weren’t so crazy at all.

There can be no doubt — we are in the hands of fools! Madness! Until next time, maintain!