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December 21, 2011

The 2011 Jones Awards

I was going to call these the first annual “LEO Jones Awards,” but my editor would probably say, “Uh, we have NOTHING to do with this madness! The Jones is insane! I don’t know why we keep him around!”

The Jones crazy? Maybe. Whether I’m crazy or not (and I probably am), some crazy things sure have gone on this year. So, from the asinine to the serious, here are the awards:

The “Like a Dummy, I Trusted the Big Butt and a Smile” Award goes to: Kris Humphries. NBA also-ran Humphries was the latest in an increasingly long line of athletes to tumble into the nutso world (and admittedly impressive derriere) of reality star Kim Kardashian. Unfortunately, unlike Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and who knows who else, Humphries was dumb enough to actually marry her. Now the poor fellow is upset that he’s being ripped apart on the Kardashians’ show and in the tabloids. Hey, that’s what these people do. Their whole existence is based on sensationalism. Getting with Kim was dumb; marrying her was dumber. I don’t get it. C’mon, man — I’ve seen the Kim-Ray J sex-tape. She isn’t very talented in that arena either! Sucker.

The “I Survived the Storm” Award goes to: Tiger Woods. Recently, Tiger won the Chevron World Challenge. It was his first win in two years. Tiger immediately donated the $1.2 million check to his charitable foundation that helps underserved youth with college. I know it wasn’t the Masters, but it was a win. Who has been publicly ridiculed more than poor Tiger? Sure, some of it was deserved, but things really got out of control after a while. Kudos to the Tiger for maintaining his class and dignity.

The “God Is Gonna Beat My Ass” Award goes to: Bishop Eddie Long. The walls seem to be tumbling down around Atlanta mega-church pastor Eddie Long. After proclaiming he would fight charges “to the end” that he had sex with a number of teenage boys, Long settled out of court. I wonder why. His church is bleeding population (I’m shocked anybody is still there), he is now under investigation for pulling members into a ponzi scheme, and his wife has filed for divorce. The Rev. Longstroke now says he needs a sabbatical. Maybe he can go on a little getaway in one of the private jets his members bought him. Even among seedy preachers, this guy is sleazy.

The Local “You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone” Award goes to: Chief Robert White. Did this guy do the impossible or what? Sure, he wasn’t always a favorite with some of his officers, but White was actually able to bridge the gap between police and the community — including the black community. Incredible. Denver is getting a hell of a chief. Godspeed, Chief White.

A few more quick ones …

The “He’s Gotta Have It” Award goes to: Herman “The Munster” Cain. Cain has apparently sexually harassed or actually had sex with every other woman who’s crossed his path in the last 15 years. Further proof that the punany’s pimp hand is definitely strong!

The “Freak Overload” Award goes to: Ashton Kutcher. Word is the threesomes Ashton and Demi were having eventually became twosomes — minus Demi. Ashton, you naughty boy!

The “Really Sick Bastard” Award goes to: Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine. Sandusky is out on bail after being locked up again following new allegations. Fine may actually get off because the statute of limitations has expired, despite the fact that a New York district attorney has concluded the charges against him are “credible.” We must remember that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but if these guys are anywhere near as creepy as they seem … well, you finish that one for yourselves.

The “We Will Hurt and Kill You When You Come to College” Award goes to: Black Fraternities, Sororities and College Bands. The latest victim of these sociopaths was Florida A&M band member Robert Champion. When will college presidents and elected officials make moves to ban these groups? The sooner, the better.

The “I Get To Run Against Obama” Award will eventually go to (and the Tea Partiers hate it): Mitt Romney. Don’t sleep — it’ll be tough, but he can win it all.

And I’m gone! Until next year, MAINTAIN!