August 28, 2013

Bar Belle: The vodka made me do it

Ernest Hemingway was a smart man. Not only did he have a home in Key West that was directly across from a lighthouse (so he could find his way after drinking), he also said this: “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” I can’t tell you how many plans I’ve made while knocking back a drink or five that I’ve had to follow through with.

I blame running the Triple Crown races on drinking. I’ve never ran more than three miles in my life, yet there I was at each starting line this year, in the freezing cold, cursing my friends who kept me to my word. I’ve had to help clean houses, play with children and even ingest foreign vegetables and fish sticks. I suppose I’m exposing my weakness here — get me drunk and I’ll agree to do just about anything (and no, that’s not what he said; but it can be what she said).

Chances are I will have forgotten by morning, but if you have me sign something or record it somehow, I will honor my word. (The transfer of money and/or bodily fluids is exempt under state law.) In the meantime, I encourage all of you to be careful what you agree to do under the influence. Learn from Hemingway and keep your mouth shut — or I may enlist you into building me a lighthouse.

Drunky in Kentucky Pub Crawl
Mark your calendars and prepare your livers — the 10th annual Gettin’ Drunky in Kentucky Pub Crawl is Saturday, Sept. 7. The bar hop I started with three of my friends is celebrating a decade, and we expect it to be bigger and crazier than ever. There are 15 bars this year — the most ever! As usual, we start at Outlook Inn at 7 p.m. and end up at Bearno’s Highlands — the crowd weaving its way throughout the Highlands’ establishments, drinking one drink at each with a strict time limit.

We created the pub crawl mainly out of boredom. I had missed the Weasel Walk that used to take place in St. Matthews and was pretty bummed out. So after many drinks, my friend Matt suggested we have our own … and put it in the Highlands … and go in the opposite direction of the familiar Bambi Walk so we would avoid paying covers. Brilliant! About 12 people joined us that first year, and now we boast more than 100. Started from the bottom now we’re here!

It’s a marathon for sure, but there’s a place for everyone — from novice to Lindsay Lohan. We are currently seeking volunteers to line up along the route and hand out water, B-12s, Red Bull, hand jobs — whatever it takes to propel us to the end. But if you’d like to participate in the crawl, just show up at Outlook Inn at 7. T-shirts are available but are not mandatory.

Drunk Texts of the Week
• Theres a foam finger party in the USA!
• He gets more phone numbers than the NSA
• Cock-a-doodle-do, any cock will do!
• Can I tinkle before you poo?
• Sometimes my brain thoughts come out of my mouth hole
• Do you want your panties back?

Send your drunk texts to shavens@leoweekly.com. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word. 

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