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April 13, 2011

Bar Belle: Nowhere to hide

So yeah, there I am in that there picture. That’s what I look like. I’ve spent years as Clark Kent, hiding behind the guise of the little drunken purple Bar Belle character. Even though I look nothing like her, she was a part of me. Perhaps she’s the crazy person I turn into when I’ve had too much to drink. The bathroom stall as my telephone booth, I run in, do my business, gussy up my hair and rush out to rescue drunks everywhere by one-upping them on stupid things to do — Southern Belle by day, Bar Belle by night.

It wasn’t an easy decision to reveal my true identity. I like not being recognized and called out for pontificating on the truths of Louisville drinkers. I like hovering in the shadows and observing bar life at liver’s length.

So why come out to the public and show my face? Two reasons: A) It wasn’t really my decision but that of creative director Britany Baker … who hates clipart a little more than she does domestic beer. She’s been threatening to get rid of my character for years. She finally broke down my resolve with a fifth of bourbon. B) A recent email by genius reader Greg Ammon made me rethink my stance on staying in the shadows. “I think if the general public knew what you looked like, you probably would never have to buy your own drinks again,” he wrote. That’s certainly something to consider. I suppose we’ll have to put this theory to the test.

Battle of the Bands

A while back I wrote about musicians I would include in my ultimate band, and I asked for your thoughts on the subject. I got great responses. Here are some of my favorites.

• “I lean more toward the rock side than pop music, so I will say for lead singer: Annie Lennox; lead guitar: Joe Satriani; bass: John Entwistle; drums: Neil Peart; keyboards: Manfred Mann; backup vocals: k.d. lang and Michael McDonald; merch table/publicist: Gene Simmons (let’s face it, he could sell ice cubes to Eskimos); and for lack of a better name, I would call them “Better Than Better Than The Beatles.” —Greg Ammon

• “Amplified featuring lead singers: Joss Stone and Duffy; lead guitar: Kerry King; bass: Less Claypool; drums: Questlove; keyboard: Melvin Seals; wardrobe and stage design: Daft Punk; publicist: Bunny Wailer; and merch table: George Clinton.” —Ryan Johnson

• “Lead singer: Stevie Nicks; lead guitar: Slash; bass: Bootsy Collins; drums: Dave Grohl; keyboard: Peter Gabriel; backup: Sheryl Crow; wardrobe: Gwen Stefani; merch table: Lady Antebellum; and publicist: James Franco.” —Angela Boggs

• “Tell me you wouldn’t want to see this band called “Rehab”: singer: Eminem; lead guitar: Jack White; guitar: Slash; bass: Bootsy Collins; and drums: Lars Ulrich.” —Jeremy Murrell

• “Lead singer: Morrissey; lead guitar: David Gilmour; bass: Flea; violin: Hugh Marsh (plays with Loreena McKennitt sometimes); banjo/acoustic guitar/electronic effects/backup vocals: Sufjan Stevens; cello: any member of Apocalyptica; mandolin: Chris Thile; drums: Neil Peart; musical consultant/ambience/additional instruments as needed: Jonsi (Sigur Ros).” —Allan Day

• “For my all-star band, I’d have: lead singer: Steve Perry; lead guitar: Michael Schenker; rhythm guitar: Joan Jett; keyboards: Greg Giuffria; bass: Stanley Clarke; drums: Cindy Blackman; backing vocals: The Waifs; publicist: Kid Rock. And for an all-local band: lead singer: Christine Deveraux; lead guitar: Mike McAfee; rhythm guitar: Jon Diebold; bass: Robb Werner; drums: Jeff Williams; publicist: Mark Maxwell; and merch table: Eddy Metal.” —Mike McAfee

Drunk Texts of the Week
• I think michael mcdonald’s finally high enough to sit on his mountain
• My liver isnt speaking to me at the moment.
• Im horny but hungry … wanna do it in the white castle drive-thru?
• Donald trump can get my vote by eliminating the menstrual cycle.
• Theres been too much sober this week.
• I plan on resolving my hayfever with hangover
• Im not knuckling shark fins
• Barbra lee is in my fridge … she’s been textin me all night tryin to get inside me!