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October 9, 2013

Bar Belle: Bar Belle for Hire

The other day, my friend invited me to her cousin’s 21st birthday party at Sapporo. Since I drink like I’m 21 and love me some hibachi, it wasn’t much of an arm twist. “What better way to celebrate turning 21 than with the Bar Belle?” she quipped. And then the idea hit me — like a clown or a stripper, I could rent myself out for entertainment purposes. I think I’m pretty good at jumping out of cakes, and I’ll start practicing making shot glasses and dicks out of balloons.

I can see it now — bachelorette parties, bar mitzvahs, 21st birthdays, 51st birthdays, weddings, frat parties, funerals, festivals, the mayor’s Hike & Bike events … the opportunities are limitless! Hell, you can even hire me if you don’t want to drink alone. I’ll just sit next to you and tell you stories about the good old days when you could fly to Vegas roundtrip for less than $200 and they actually gave free drinks, even at the nickel slots.

I haven’t worked out the cost yet, but as long as my tabs and cabs are paid for, I’ll work pro bono, even though I’m more of a Cher fan. Karaoke, lap dances, Streisand imitations and dick jokes will have an additional fee, and twerking is available only by a written request. I’m also not responsible for hangovers, vomiting on the sidewalk, falling off bar stools and drunk texting an ex, a boss or an ex-boss.

Included in the Bar-Belle-for-Hire package will be relationship advice (“Leave him/her”); healthy debate on if a Dorito is actually Mexican or Italian; proper Irish toasts with every shot; hangover remedies (mimosas and marys); thoughtful analysis of early Julia Roberts films; commiseration over the demise of Zima; the merits of “Grease 2” and why it’s far superior to its predecessor; and unlimited high-fives and fist-bumps.

Why drink alone when you can drink with an expert? Why hire a clown when they are terrifying and make you pee your bed? Why settle for a mitzvah when you can have a Bar Belle Mitzvah? I think I’m ready to start filming my commercial. Think the Kentucky Hammer will help a sister out?

Bourbon at a beer joint?
Of all the beer joints to wander into Friday night during Craft Beer Week, I picked the one touting a bourbon special — and I loved it. My friend Steph and I were bound and determined to paint the town. We had no plans other than to drink and bar hop through the Highlands, and a stop at the BoomBozz Taphouse was our last one. Sadly, we encountered more than one establishment with lukewarm draft beer that night (Baxter’s, Wick’s and Za’s — let’s crank up those coolers!), and we just wanted a cold, refreshing, crisp brew.

I knew BoomBozz would have what we’re looking for — they’ve got ice on the bar, for fuck’s sake! As we pulled up two chairs, bartender Josh was putting on a show for the ladies next to us. It was like watching a sequel to “Cocktail,” minus the waterfall sex scene and Beach Boys soundtrack. He would flip bottles in the air and catch them behind his back. He tossed ice around like it was his bitch. I certainly wasn’t going to end the party by ordering a beer, so I pointed to the bourbon special, an Orange Kentucky Bourbon Burn, and mumbled, “Yes, please.”

What kind of bar has a bourbon special during Craft Beer Week? BoomBozz, of course. Because it was also National Bourbon Month, so why should one spirit get all the attention? All you with Christmas birthdays know what I’m talking about — just because you share a day with Jesus doesn’t make you less special. In fact, I believe you should be able to turn water into wine on that day. But I digress.

Josh said he works most weekend nights, so go check him out. He pours a great drink, and he’ll even do tricks if you just order a beer.

Drunk Texts of the Week
• Im home. Take me drunk.
• You were never on my fuckable list
• Summers Eve is the juice box of douche
• If you make my meat loaf, I will make your pussy willow

Send your drunk texts to shavens@leoweekly.com. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word.