June 20, 2012

Classical Music: Naked Louisville Orchestra to boost ticket sales

Now that the Louisville Orchestra has settled its dispute with its contracted musicians, all focus is on ticket sales. Fearing music alone isn’t enough to attract what he calls “low-brow, cultureless simpletons,” conductor Irv Frankel thinks he knows how to rekindle the community’s interest in classical music — by doing it naked. And by naked, he’s not talking “unplugged” or without the use of electronics. He’s talking REAL LIVE NUDE! Specifically, the musicians have agreed to play their instruments in the buff for the orchestra’s premiere concert Friday night.

“The upright bassist was the first on board,” Frankel said. “The flautists were a bit harder to convince, as they don’t really have much to hide behind. We must remember this is art — the human body is the ultimate work of art. And watching the body create music is simply eargasmic.”

The orchestra’s portly tuba player has agreed to play, but only if he can be stationed behind the hot young cellist. “The way she moves that bow … that shit is tight.”

But a bold move doesn’t come without controversy, of course. A public backlash has begun, and the pastor of Southeast Christian Church has called for a boycott of the orchestra.

“A naked orchestra? You’ve got to be kidding me! How low can we go?” asked pastor Mark Luke John. “Jesus would not endorse this. There’s going to be too many temptations that will lead the mind to dirty places. Think about how a violinist moves her body when stroking the strings … now picture her naked. Wait … where was I?”

But for every naysayer, there are supporters. “I think it’s awesome!” said University of Louisville student Thad Wood. “Hell yeah I’m gonna be there! I’m gonna put that shit up on YouTube, yo!” When it was explained exactly what an orchestra is, a perplexed Wood asked, “You mean there’s no words? No singing? It’ll take more than titties to get me to that snoozefest.”

“Boobies and Beethoven? Count me in!” said Flanagan’s bartender Rod Johnson. “Wait, are there dudes in the orchestra?”

Friday’s show at the Kentucky Center is 18 and up for obvious reasons. And so no one feels embarrassed or self-conscious, the audience is encouraged to shed their clothes at the doorway. Lockers will be available for rent. Popcorn, body butter and seat covers will be for sale.

*This story is part of LEO's Fake Issue. 

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